Forever Falling

She never expected to find true love. Being hurt was her inevitable purpose. She accepted this. She didn't like it, but it is just how it was meant to be. Her life was filled with moment after moment of being hurt by anyone she trusted. She tried not to develop feelings for anyone because she knew they would eventually hurt her, but her heart wasn't wired to be cold and uncaring. She loved freely and with all of her heart even when she fought with all she had to keep walls up protecting herself from it.

She also never could plan who she fell for. She knew this was different because it wasn't just men for her, she had fallen in love with other women too. Love was fluid to her. It was not about the physical attraction, it was the connection between people. She realized at a young age that connections could be formed with more than one person at a time, and that each connection was different. She knew that monogamy was not something she could conform to, not with the way she felt and experienced love.

Many people in her life failed to understand this concept, and there were times she hesitated to be honest with persons whom she began to feel connected to. However, she knew that it would be wrong to withhold the truth and deceive someone she cared for, even if it meant she lost them with her honesty. Being honest about who she was meant everything to her because she had been made to feel ashamed of herself through most of her childhood and teen years. As an adult, she was done playing pretend... and she was done lying about who she was.

She met him and she did not feel that instant connection to him, instead she saw him as a means to satisfy an itch without developing feelings, which meant she wouldn't be hurt again. This was all she wanted. This was all he was going to be to her... at least, that was the plan. The more she tried to be cold and distant, the harder it was and she hated feeling numb as she moved through date after date with different people. She realized that while the physical enjoyment was pleasurable... it was fleeting and empty.

She began to talk to him more because he was different than the other guys she was fooling around with at the time. He was pure and honest. He was unfiltered and raw in the way he communicated, unapologetic and flawed. She found this very intriguing and the more they spoke and interacted, the more she began to feel for him. She was honest from the start about who she was and her view on relationships and monogamy. To her surprise, he did not turn away or shun her, he agreed that she would be free to be herself and he would do the same. The promise they made to one another that day was to always be completely honest with each other.

As years passed, they both connected with other people while maintaining their relationship and eventual marriage. They continued to keep honesty as the foundation of their relationship. The connections each of them developed with others were mostly short lived due to the others not being able to continue in a poly situation. They were both always up front with partners they connected with regarding their marriage and poly lifestyle. Some gave it a try, but it usually wasn't long before they wanted more with her or him, and sharing was not something they cared to do. She understood that her feelings about relationships were... unconventional, and this was why she always kept honesty a priority with anyone she potentially could see herself getting close to. Her husband did so as well.

Eventually, she met another man online whom she felt an instant connection to that she could not explain. It scared her. It made her feel vulnerable. She hated this feeling and tried to push it down and put up walls to protect herself. She could not deny the pull that she felt towards this man. They maintained an online relationship for a couple of years before finally meeting in person. She knew this relationship was different than others she had been in. Her husband knew it was too. Yet, she still tried to lie to herself saying it was just a sexual draw that she had to the man. Nothing more. The moment she laid eyes on him for the first time, she laughed to herself because she felt confident that there was no spark. She had nothing to worry about... right?

When they reached the hotel room they had reserved for the weekend and he sat down next to her on the couch, he caressed her shoulder gently, just a light brush against her skin. Suddenly, she found herself trembling and she knew that she was in trouble. His touch electrified her in ways that she never experienced before. She was completely vulnerable... and she was in love again. The weekend she spent with him was full of unbridled, carnal passion like she never experienced in her life. The connection was completely different from what she had with her husband. With her husband, it was gentle, loving, tender, friendship and she knew with him, she was always safe. He was her protector, her knight in shining armor, her hero. This other man it was raw, carnal, dirty, and electrifying.

This is how her long-term poly lifestyle began. Her husband knew that she had true feelings of love for this other man. He accepted that because he had always accepted her as she was. In time, he stopped seeking other partners outside of the marriage because as he aged, he had no desire for it any longer. He was happy with only her. He never asked her to give up her partner though, because he knew that she loved the other man very much. Her husband also knew that she loved him just as much, maybe even more, because she did tell him that she would give up the other partner if he ever asked. He never did though, because he accepted her and her lifestyle, her ability to love more than one person and he knew that the connection and relationship she shared with the other man was different than what they shared together as husband and wife.

The other man was also married and therefore he would never expect more from her than she could give him. She would never expect more from him either. He was honest with his wife, she understood the relationship and accepted it because she knew it was no threat to their marriage. It has been over 20 years since they first began this partnership. They don't see each other every day. They both put their marriages first because they love their spouses. They love one another as well but in a different way, it is a different connection... but it is still love. She has not sought out other partners or connections since she met him, because he filled that part of her that was seeking something more. She was complete and happy with the love in her life from her husband and her partner both.

For a very long time, she was forever falling in love and getting hurt time and time again. Until she finally became honest with herself and understood that sometimes, love isn't found with just one person, and there is nothing wrong with that. People connect in different ways and that is something that she knew at a very young age. Monogamy isn't meant for everyone, and it isn't a sin or wrong to love more than one person. She is always honest, she has never deceived or lied about who she is or how she feels about relationships. She just learned that she had a lot of love to share in different ways and she had to be true to herself and her needs, just as much as she tended to the needs of others. This is the reality of her poly lifestyle. It's not cheating, it's not lying, it's not immoral. It is just loving more than one.

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