Forbidden Lovers

trigger/content warning: this story does involve the topic of child grooming. please read at your own risk.

The ages of eleven to twelve were very difficult years for me. I was starting to hit the aftermath of what was to come from having a mental illness; the endless amounts of thoughts cluttering up my mind.. the countless amount of times some small voice in my head would tell me to just end it all.. I started to feel like a burden for all those around me.

My father had just moved my mom and I across the state to be closer to his side of the family, leaving me no choice but say goodbye to the two best friends I've grown close to among my 6th grade schoolyear. My mom had already been stressed out finding a new job after he sent us across state; obviously, my problems meant nothing compared to hers. Not to mention my mom had to still worry about the friend of the family she left back at our old hometown, since she was still helping them live off their own personal budgets, along with helping a family friend who still lived in our house who couldn't exactly afford to live on her own. My problems felt so small compared to what I had to watch go down among my own household. The family we moved closer to wasn't exactly the best help either. The move was awkward and odd. These people never really took the time to be in my life before, but I was still expected to spend time with them as if we had been. There was absolutely no way I was about to confide in the people who I barely knew about the problems I had going on in my life.

I was just left to battle the war inside my head all alone. Slowly, I was convincing myself over and over that there was absolutely no way I was going to be a survivor in the fight for my mental freedom. The more time went on, the more thoughts that would pop up inside my head.

Nobody cares about you..

Even your own family doesn't give two shits about you..

You'll be better off dead..

You really think you'll make it out of this..

Just when I thought my mind was about to win, I met him. He was it. He was the one who was going to come and save me from this pain. We found each other on this website made for children and teenagers of all ages and from all over the world to come and talk to each other. I originally used this site to write in their forums portion of the site, but meeting new people from all over the globe was the cherry that topped the cake. Of course, I talked to plenty of people on this site but nobody ever compared to him.

Joe.

Age: 18.

I never really saw nothing bad of it when we first started talking. He didn't even have to lie about his age to seem younger.. I really did believe that it was pretty normal for an eighteen year old to be obsessed with talking to an twelve year old. Growing up, I did have a thirty five year old best friend.. so what's the difference? Anyways.. after a while I never even realized the issues behind our age differences because this guy was someone who I was able to confide in. I didn't even have to worrying about becoming a burden on my own family with my problems anymore. Whenever I felt down, I just talked it out with Joe.

I knew some people wouldn't understand. I mean, we both became so close after only sharing one photo with each other. Well, I shared a pretty decent photo with him.. he shared a pretty blurry photo of mostly his hair with his face hidden in the bottom corner of the photo. Hey. I was twelve years old. How was I supposed to know that wasn't how people sent photos to others? He told me he was just insecure about his looks and I believed him.

I never wanted to get *sexual* with him during our conversations. Don't get me wrong. That didn't stop him. He'd try. I just never really wanted to follow through with it. I was a closeted Asexual with my own sexual trauma.. obviously I didn't feel like expressing myself in that way. He was never really offended whenever I'd shoot him down.. he'd still proceed to talk with me. Eventually, he did want to take our feelings to the next level. The question was a bit odd. He never asked the question "do you want to be my girlfriend?". Instead, he just asked me if I felt comfortable enough to "experiment" with him and just see how it felt to date someone of our intense age difference. It was probably one of the biggest red flags I possibly have ever avoided, but it was the first time I was asked that. Of course I wasn't about to say no. I loved talking to him. He made me feel happy. He made me feel safe. I told him that I would love that. There was only one rule that I had to follow:

Don't you ever tell other people about us.

"What about my parents?" I asked him next.

"Especially your parents." He replied.

Strike two. There goes another red flag I just innocently ignored. It wasn't really that hard anyway. I didn't really tell my parents about Joe in the first place. What would I say? 'Hey mom.. guess what? I met this 18 year old guy on the internet and we've been talking nonstop for months'.

A few more months would go by, and he was the only other person I'd find myself texting. His text notifications always lit a smile across my face and I would stop whatever I was doing to text him back. I'd text him about everything. What started up as me just confiding in him when I felt depressed, turned into me texting him photos while I was shopping for new clothes to get his opinion. I doubt he actually gave two shits about them, but he did give me instant feedback on whatever I sent him. Mostly it was just 'I like that' or 'that's pretty cute'.. but it was still something. I was so desperate for someone to talk to, I'm sure I would have not even been mad if he didn't respond to the texts at all.

Just as things started to feel like they'd gotten even more serious, I made a pretty serious mistake. I had a friend who would constantly brag about all the guys that would hit her up, so just to shut her up I brought up Joe with her. Big mistake. Long story short, don't tell a secret to someone who will just use your cell phone without your permission. She instantly grabbed ahold of my phone and found the texts between us; scrolling through parts of it before I snatched the phone away. A small part of me did regret doing so but not as much as I would later.

Later that same day, I felt the need to confess what I did to him. An even BIGGER mistake. He immediately got pissed at me for "breaking our number one rule". I constantly tried to reassure him that it was just a friend and that she didn't really care, but he was not having it at all. After making me feel like absolute garbage for doing what I did, he ghosted me for the rest of the night. I will never forget the pain I felt in that moment. I truly did believe that what had happened was my own fault; I brought myself into this.. I betrayed him.. I should've just kept my damn mouth shut.

That was the last main conversation I ever remembered us having. Of course, it wasn't the last we've shared together.. but it was the last I was able to remember when I looked back at the two of us. We slowly just distanced ourselves apart till we both had nothing else to say. Eventually we stopped talking altogether. I'm sure that he forgot about who I was from the very second I stopped responding to him, but he never stopped living rent-free in my mind.

The most painful part? I truly believed that he had feelings for me, while he probably only saw my vulnerability and figured I'd be so alone that I would actually give him the satisfaction of "getting with" another young girl.