For my nana

It was a surprise for you, me existing, but you accepted it without showing your disappointment. No surprise there, you have always had so much grace. I was born nearly six months before you turned 40, which made you a younger grandmother than you would have hoped for, but you were ready to make sure my life was filled with all the love you could give, no matter what. You dubbed yourself "nana" and got to work right away on providing me with unconditional love every single day. I don't think you can ever fully understand the importance of that love.

For the first ten years of my life, all my best memories were with you and the family you made sure accepted me, and all the things that came with being my nana. With my parents splitting so soon after me, and my mother having four more kids that did not belong to my daddy, and therefore had no relation to you, you still treated them like they were your very own, too. All the times you had to and chose to do for all when you were only genetically responsible for the one, was so very admirable. We all hold some awesome memories we will cherish forever because of you. I know my siblings are also so grateful for you.

When I was moved across the country, and you had no say so over where I was to go, you were strong in your hopes that I would be able to stay with you and my daddy. It was such a quick decision in which I had no choice but to leave, and no matter how much you wished otherwise, you let it be. You understood that as the eldest daughter I had responsibilities outside of those of a regular child, and you were so solid in maintaining the bonds you made sure to build with me. You knew that you successfully instilled proper values in me that you knew I would carry into every situation I encountered in life, no matter where it took me. In the time after my leaving, you also did everything you could to protect my daddy's broken heart after I was taken away from him for no real reason. You held him together, as you did with me, so far away. We will be thankful to your strength in our bonds every day.

Whenever I would actually get the chance to visit, though it was only three times in a decade, you made sure the love was felt. From the phone calls that made my days to the attempts to get me on a plane, I knew you cared for me every single day. It was such a strange time in my life, growing pains and all, but you advised me on how to handle more situations than I can count. Then your mom got sick, and my teenage brain couldn't understand her memory, and I assumed it was because it had been years since she'd seen me, and it hurt my feelings so bad. You took time to explain things in a way my young, sensitive mind could understand. It was so necessary. That's why I chose to come be with you once I could make that decision, as an adult. I was able to come and help you with her and because of you, I was able to handle the loss of her so much better than I would have otherwise. I am thankful you welcomed me home with open arms and wanted me to stay. If you hadn't, my life would not be what it is today.

Being here with you in my adult years, has helped me to grow into my own person without the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I am so grateful that you never seemed to judge me. It was such a tough life for me, but you did everything you could to remind me that my life was worth living, through everything I have had to endure. I am positive I wouldn't have made it this far without you.

Speaking of making it far, when I was diagnosed with my illness that threatened to take me away, and though I knew it pained you, you kept a positive mindset about it. With all the choices I have made thus far into my diagnosis, you have always allowed me to feel validated, and it has been so critical for me that someone did. I have held on for me, yes. Truth is though, nana, I also hold on for you.

As you get older and seem weaker, it has been more and more difficult to mask my fear of a world without you. I know exactly how it felt for you to imagine me not making it when my illness was new, because I have that same fear with you. It is hard to even say this without literal tears, but just like I am doing, I know you will keep going for many more years, and I can count on your love to keep me going.

I am so thankful every single day, that I get to spend with you. Watching you smile, hearing your laugh, and knowing that your heart will always beat to the rhythm of love. You keep me feeling safe. You have always shown me real strength, and you have done it all without anyone else telling you what to do. When anyone asks me who my role model is in life, it will always be you. Your positive influence over every person you encounter is something I, too, hope to be remembered for, one day.

Thank you for always being authentically you. Thank you for showing me how to stay true to me, too. You are everything a girl could hope to have as a guiding light, and I will forever love and adore you.

love,

Ashleigh Baby.