Finding My Way Home

"I know we haven't talked in five years and things didn't end well, but I really need to ask you something."

Is that really where it all started? No, that is where it restarted. There was no "how are you" or "I've missed you." There was just pure need to have answers and only one place where I knew the answers would be honest and right. The questions aren't important. They are just a byproduct of self-doubt and insecurity, those ugly emotions that rear their heads from time to time when we let other voices fill our mind.

The answer was immediate. "What is it? How can I help?"

Time meant nothing. It was as if we had talked just the day before, except there was so much to catch up on. Life had taken us both on a journey. Mine was a path filled with twists and turns, heartache and joy. His was the same steady pace and unwavering vision that had always been. That isn't to say his path was easy. He had more than his fair share of difficulty, but his nature is strong and steady so he had stayed the course while I wandered in vain.

"Thank you for that. I knew you would have my answers."

"Of course! You know I am always here for you."

I did know that, sort of. It had been a long time and I didn't even know for sure how I felt. There was no way I could know how he felt.

A few days later there were a few more texts and phone calls. I started to get excited about the possibilities. Maybe we can try again. Do I want to try again? What if I tell him and he doesn't feel the same? Maybe it would be better if I just let it go. I'll wait and see what happens. I won't get attached. That part of my life is over. I'm fine on my own. But it felt so good to talk again. Wow! We are talking every day!

Then silence.

I was disappointed but it had been a long time. I couldn't expect him to read my mind or know that I was hoping a flame had been rekindled. It's ok.

A month passed. He finally reached out and I was irrationally hurt and angry. I lashed out and said some ugly things. Then he dropped the bombshell of all that had transpired during that month. I don't think it is possible to feel any worse than I did in that moment. Here is the man who dropped everything to answer my questions and bring me out of my uncertainty and I repaid him with anger instead of understanding.

In that one instant everything changed. We made plans to meet. I didn't know it yet, but I was coming home.

The flight was on time and there he was, waiting to pick me up. That hug at the airport was five years of distance melting away. I had come to be with him for a funeral because no one should have to face that alone. I wasn't there to figure out our future, but it seemed that our separate journeys had come to an end. No words were needed to feel the connection that had been there all along.

Since that weekend, we haven't missed a day of being together or talking on the phone. Our paths didn't cross. They joined. So as Thanksgiving approaches, my heart could not be any more full. I am thankful every day for the growth and change that has brought us back together. I am thankful for the time apart because it made our reunion that much sweeter. I am thankful for my friends who encouraged me to chase my dreams. I am even thankful for the insecurity and self-doubt. Without it, I would have never asked the questions.

Most of all, I am thankful for him. It is good to be home.