Finally

Love always seeks the heights

It sees my low places and never defines me by them

It's always reaching upward, getting up over and over again.

Assuring me of its inevitable and eternal victory.

FINALLY

“I don’t know.” Saint’s response was a perfect mirror of her anxious and apprehensive thoughts. Her voice was tinged with an involuntary shame, a scarlet letter betraying the sin of her insecurities. She was 35 and she should know. Why was she still so indecisive about so many things at this stage in her life? She really disliked that part of herself but felt so helpless at times to change it. Therapy had helped a little but not as much as she would have liked. She wanted to be rid of the anxiety that had disrupted so much of her life. This cannot be normal. Is this normal? Am I normal? Her thoughts began to race away, and she sat watching them helplessly build momentum for their inevitable crash.

Eden’s voice firmly interrupted Saint’s silent but fiery descent into self condemnation. “The time for uncertainty is over.” Eden was standing in the kitchen, tall and sure, pouring burgundy wine into wine glasses with gold rims. She waited for Saint’s response, undeterred by the silence that followed.

The words settled gently on Saint’s forehead, cooling her feverish thoughts like the damp cloth her mother would fold over her brow when her skin was on fire with the flu. Suddenly, she was very clear and calm. She smiled a small smile and took the glass Eden extended toward her. She looked lovingly on her friend, thankful that she always knew what to say and how. They both sipped merlot, Saint letting her nose linger in the glass, allowing herself the delightful headiness it willingly offered. The warmth in her center was reassuring; she was a woman, a delightful, capable, whole woman who was in no way defective.

“You are absolutely right.” Saint fingered the stem of her glass thoughtfully. Eden noticed, as she noticed everything and knew instinctively this meant that her friend was returning to the clarity she could find so easily.

“You know what? I do want a partner. And children. I am ready to start dating again, it’s just… since the diagnosis...I guess I’ve just been so afraid and insecure about it that I couldn’t even admit to myself what I wanted.” Saint paused as truth relieved her of the dull weight that had been sitting on her brain for the past few days.

“That’s good, that’s real good. The fact you can admit that? You’re already there,” Eden reassured her soothingly. “I was waiting to hear you say that. I felt it, I was just waiting on you to say it. She paused to sip looking at Saint over the rim of the glass. “Don't you dare talk yourself out of what you want. You deserve to be happy and to be with a partner that loves, respects and complements you. You know you get to have it all, just be open to it. You deserve all the good you’ve got coming babe.”

“I know, I know.” Saint sighed a little and leaning forward, put her empty glass on the coffee table. “I’m not going to stand in my own way anymore. I’m done with that.”

A couple of days later, Saint was sitting in her photography studio when Eden called.

“Hey hon. What’s up?”

“Hi babes!” Eden’s voice was suspiciously giddy. “I have a proposal for you.”

“A proposal? What kind of proposal?”

“Well, of sorts. Ok, it’s really not a proposal. More like an exciting opportunity.”Saint could hear her smiling.

“Woman, are you trying to get me involved in a pyramid scheme?”

Eden laughed. “Girl, I’m trying to get you mixed up in a different kind of scheme. One that involves a really good great guy.”

“Nope.”

“You’re going to thank me on your wedding day for this one.”

Saint burst out laughing. “Eden, why are you being so ridiculous? What have you done?”

“Nothing yet. I have someone I really want you to meet.”

Saint sighed. “Eden…”

“No I’m serious. He’s a friend of Rocco’s. He is from Miami and owns a men’s tailored clothing company, among other things. If nothing else, he would be a really good connection to make from a business perspective. We are meeting up at East Afrasia for eats at one. That gives you plenty of time.”

“You’re such a bully E,” Saint teased.

“So that means you’re coming then. Ok, bye!”

Saint sat across from a man she now realized that she had blown off on a dating app a few months ago. There was no mistaking the eyes. They were honey-colored in the late afternoon sun and penetratingly beautiful. His name was Paul and he was intelligent and intense and spoke and dragged his words in a way that was Floridian and charming. His laugh was easy and good natured and his humor easy and witty.

This is who she had missed out meeting a few weeks ago when Eden had commanded her presence at brunch? She was such a silly girl.

He had set up a lovely little low table on the beach for the two of them: red and white wine and fresh fruit.

“Merlot or Chardonnay? Let me guess, I think you are a merlot kind of girl.” He smiled and waited.

“How did you know? I would absolutely prefer merlot, but what made you guess that?”

He uncorked the merlot and poured her some into her glass. “You’re warm and rich and interesting. And mature, in the best possible way.”

Saint took the glass and it was dark and bold in the paling yellow sun. She remembered the wine she had with her friend on a night when she had felt less than sure of herself. She sipped and she was delightful and capable, a whole woman.