feeling love

I've quickly become aware of the fact that while I know what love is and I am aware that I have it in my life, I don't allow myself to truly feel it.

It held me back from not being able to move on truly and forgive the past for what it was, appreciate the moments of love, and simply release ties I had to old habits and to people. Not only that but it was hard to figure out whether or not some of the relationships I let go I actually gave a chance, did I truly allow myself to try to feel the love, or did I cut the cords too fast? Truly, I allowed myself to go so long believing that what I had been experiencing before was love and that I just was bad at emotions when really it was that I was not allowing the true forms of love to be received and instead I sat looking for love that I knew was inappropriate for me.

I allowed myself to surround myself with people that were not in my vibrational state, I was striving to be something outside of myself to feel the love of these people that I would never feel at home with. I surrounded myself with friends that only wanted to accept and allow my love to reach them. I was in relationships with people where I was barely filling my cup halfway before I began to pour into others and they had no problem letting me do this, they had no problem letting me run myself ragged in order to receive the love for themselves and when it came time for me to feel love, I felt uncomfortable. When I was showed affection of any sort, I felt out of place. I never knew what I wanted, I didn't want hugs, I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to do anything about anything that upset me. I wanted to lash out and even then I still felt angry, frustrated, and sad.

I was inconsolable when I was anything but happy; it still is a work in progress. My partner would try everything and still everything would fail and I would just become increasingly more and more agitated by it. The fact that no matter what I never felt better, no action, no words, no amount of love could fix it and it was never because he just couldn't find the right things it was because I understood it was love that he was offering but I would just constantly reject every attempt that he tried. I wasn't receiving the love because I wasn't actually open to receive that affection and allow it to help what was hurting me.

I wasn't allowing myself to love me, to allow love to flow through my life in order to actually feel good. I wasn't used to this, I was never shown to receive and the love that I had been receiving was purely conditional; after I had done something good, something worth being proud of after I had done something for someone else. I was ready to give away myself because I always felt that I was the sacrifice in life. I never felt as if I was meant for anything other than giving away my essence.

I never thought about if I truly allowed myself to feel comfortable with love. I have always felt as if I have needed to excessively give my love so that I wouldn't need anyone else's love. I was in such an isolated state of believing I didn't want anyone in my life in that way, I didn't need love from anyone unless I did something spectacular. I surrounded myself with people whose love language was acts of service, and when you show people you have no boundary, they won't put one up for you. When I felt used I felt loved.

I always thought about how to give it out but never thought about how to let love in. When it was time to I didn't understand how, I didn't know what to think anymore because I slowly realized that it wasn't me people loved it was all the service I did for them, how easily I would toss myself aside to put them and their needs first. Nearly the first reaction everyone gave me when I started demanding things for myself, or setting boundaries was anger or this feeling of how I had somehow done them wrong by not letting them know sooner about this so-called problem I was having.

The thing is people know how they treat you, everyone is self-aware of just exactly what they are doing. They are never upset that they have done you wrong, It is simply upsetting to be caught red-handed and exposure is never fun when you are being confronted with just how damaging your actions have been. It is much better to keep hiding it in oblivion or act as if it was the other's fault for not stating sooner.

It's all been because I've been so focused on giving my love away and not thinking about how I deserve something too. It feels like people coming up to you and offering you 20 dollars for no reason and you just keep saying no for whatever stupid reason because any reason other than I financially don't need that 20, but someone else might is a stupid reason not to take that money right?

I dunno. All my life I have been avoiding allowing myself to truly feel love as if it would harm me immensely but I have just felt lonely all these years.