Falling in Love with the Narcissist

It all started with a moment of stillness, that beautiful energy when time stands still and your entire future flashes before your eyes. If only I knew then that this person was the Devil and I was about to head down the path of loving someone that would destroy me, that would take the goodness in me poison it until I didn't really know who I was anymore.

It was 17 years ago, I think, I was young and believed in love. I had taken a job working on cruise ships and was having a hard time adjusting to the different personalities. I came from a small town in Canada and the culture shock was a little bit much for me. This man and his band came on board about 3 months into my 8 month contract. My cabin mate and i went to see them play in the Cats Lounge and that is when everything changed for me.

We walked into club and everything stopped, in my world at least. This man on stage, there was something about him. My breath stopped and everything was still. I will never forget that feeling, and I am not sure i ever want it again. He caught my eye, felt like he stared into my soul. I was not a person that would feel like someone like him would be interested in me but there was just this knowing that there was something there.

Later that night my Cabin mate and I, I will call her Candace, were standing in the hallway talking and he came by. Again, there was this magical energy, it overcame me. I felt as though there was this magnetic pull towards this man that I could not understand and frankly didn't want to. Candace left, she knew I was crushing hard and decided abandonment would be the best decision for her. We shall blame her for this.

He and I talked, there was a lot of energy, we spent some time together that night, watched a movie. Rose McGowan, Devil in the Flesh (the irony here). I believe that is the night I fell in love with him. Was it the intimacy? I don't think so. Was it the kindness? No. I don't really know what it was but truthfully, does it really matter? I was hooked, and no amount of red flags from then on would convince me he was bad for me. His claws were in and i was welcoming them. I am a spiritual person, and I do feel that this person is remnants from a past life. The strength of the connection was just so strong, instantly, and I do believe that he felt it too.

Fast Forward a few weeks and I am being attacked by a woman, we will call her Janine, saying she is with him and I need to stop going to the club. I had become friends with the rest of the guys, they had become my ship family, I wasn't going to stop going, not a chance. At that moment I should have walked away from him, but, the connection, it wouldn't let me.

The next 5 months were filled with ups and downs. He wouldn't let me walk away from him, but still kept me hidden. I know. What the hell Jasmine. But I just couldn't detatch from him. I still entertained others, tried to figure everything out, tried to understand myself and how i was feeling. It all felt like a big fog over me, like I couldn't think straight. I just couldn't see clearly. The hardest part was the day they I left, my contract was up and I couldn't extend. He and I said our goodbyes, I could tell he was actually upset, at least he looked it. He kissed me then, at the bottom of the stairs before he went back to his cabin. The sadness that I may never see him again was devastating to me. Thats ship life though, always saying goodbye to the people you come to love. Never knowing if they will once again be a part of your life. I had told him that I had requested my next ships and one of those home ports were New Orleans. His face lit up. We didn't know yet if I would be placed on this ship, but the prospect of it made him genuinely happy. I held onto this, that look in his eye when I told him.

And so I went home, hoping it was just a short pause in the story of what could become us.