Falling for a heroin addict is my biggest mistake

The emptiness in my heart physically hurts. You can see it on my face. You can hear it in my voice. I wish I could go back and tell myself what I know now. I wish I never saw your photo on meet me in 2015. I wish I didn’t somehow know I would love you when I saw that photo. And for two years after you rejected me. I still couldn’t forget you. I would do anything to go back in time and tell myself Tracy please listen to me don’t send him a message. I know you weirdly feel a connection based off seeing his photo. I wouldn’t even lie to myself. I’d tell myself I won’t even lie to you this person is your soulmate. It will never be possible for you to love somebody else like you love them. But once you know that type of love. Once you know that type of connection exists, you’ll start to feel incapable of being able to settle for anything less. I’d make sure that the old me knew, he will never be with you because he will always chose drugs. He will never sleep with you because he would rather sleep with girls he can do drugs with. In 2017 you will reconnect and you will spend close to three years loving him. And as you love him for those close to three years he will be doing heroin the entire time. He will never get clean. He will never fully make you happy. And even when he does make you happy it lasts for a very short amount of time because he remembers how much more he loves heroin than you and he will start calling you mean names and making you want to hurt yourself all because he needs to leave you so he can keep using. You think that he will fight to keep you. You think you’d matter more to him because it turns out you are the only person to fully love him. You are the only person who believes in him and wants him clean. But he just doesn’t care. He rather watch you leave and lose the love of the person who loves him most than be with you and lose the fake love of heroin. You tell him if you start seeing other people you may like somebody else. You think that this would alter his mind. But all he says is “If you fall for someone while we are physically apart then it’s fate, I can’t come between fate.” When in reality he’s just reiterating that it doesn’t matter to him if you leave or stay, he doesn’t value you. The only reason he says you have to be physically apart is because you can’t see each other. And you can’t see each other because he won’t see you while he’s using. Which means he’s not scared of being physically apart from you and you meeting someone new because it’s heroin and female addicts he wants to spend his life with. You are not the most important love in his life and losing you will never be such a huge tragedy to him. You agree to be there for him through his journey with sobriety (the journey never comes). Even before you have done everything you possibly could for him. The amount of money you’ve spent supporting a jobless, homeless, heroin addict has all gone to waste. Because not one single thing was appreciated. Because it was a feeling you gave him. Not a feeling heroin gave him. And he feels entitled to it because all he does is think of himself. Which is why you will never get anything back in return not even a Happy Birthday. Every birthday he doesn’t reach out when you go through lengths for his. Followed by every single holiday. And most of the time he ignores you even when you cry to him and express that you are in the verge of suicide. If you were hanging off a cliff next to a female drug addict and a bag of heroin and he had to chose who to save, he would never chose you, every single time. Even though you’ve spent so much time praising, comforting and loving him. Making and sending him food, getting him a place to stay while he’s homeless and spoiling him with affection. He still tells you after all you’ve done for him that you are still not enough for him. It’s not just drugs you are competing with. He also tells you he needs to sleep with other addicts and do drugs with them too. You only actually are together for 3 months and you both fall madly in love. But when he leaves you for heroin you don’t sleep with anybody for two years because you don’t want anyone but him. You try to convince yourself he’s doing the same. But it will kill you to find out all the girls he’s slept with and it will hurt even more when he tells you he loves you but says he can’t stop sleeping with other female addicts for you. And these girls are the bottom of the barrel, lowest of the low. He doesn’t even care that he surronds himself with people who wouldn’t even care if he died. God does a lot to keep you apart. Things happen during your time together that there should be no turning back from. But your bond is so strong that it’s unbreakable. Even god can’t keep you apart once that bond is formed. You think because he is your soulmate that means you will be together. But sadly Tracy you won’t. He will not choose you. He will not get clean. You will waste three years loving him. And who knows how long it will take for you to move on. The feeling is so strong that you don’t think it’s possible you could ever not love him. And a part of you doesn’t want to let go because there will always be a part of you that wishes for that happily ever after with him. You will only ever love his potential and his core personality. Which he very rarely shows. He will leave you broken, miserable, feeling unloved and that you were never good enough for him. You will be in and out of depressive BPD episodes and there will be multiple times you come close to committing suicide. He will break down your will to live. He will always be selfish and never be there for you. You will call him crying. You will tell him when it’s getting too hard and you feel you’re drowning. But he will never comfort you. He will never care. The only thing he will ever truly care about is drugs and maintaining relationships with women who do drugs. I say this in all honesty run far away from this person. Because after your first phone call in 2017 you’ll immediately feel something you’ve never felt before. And as time goes on all that feeling does is grow stronger and stronger. You’ll spend two years apart but you will end up loving him even more than when you first fell in love with him three years ago. He will never change. And this will kill you inside.

I would give anything to go back and tell myself all those things. To warn myself not to love him. And when shit hits the fan and it feels we are falling apart, let it. Don’t fight the current and fight your way back to him. God wanted to keep you apart. And you wouldn’t let him. You let this unbreakable bond in when you should’ve shut him out after the first red flag. In the long run falling in love like you did will not make you happy. Even though you told yourself it’s all you ever wanted was that spark. But the passion with him is overrated it will only leave you bruised and broken. Because all he will do is break your heart. And leave you with all the pieces trying to figure out how you will ever put yourself back together.