Fall in love with a married man, doomed to no good results, early to see early to put down

Although I do not know whether you have time to help me answer questions, but still sincerely hope to help this silly girl out of trouble!

I have been separated from my ex-boyfriend for two or three years. At that time, my parents did not agree with me. I was very hurt in that relationship, so I was always careful about my relationship.

I've been rejected many times by people around me who set me up with blind dates, and I'm afraid I'll make the same mistake again.

But even with all my care, I made a terrible mistake. I fell in love with a married man with children.

At first he was so good to me, so kind, he knelt down and begged me to accept him, but now THAT I think about it, he would do anything to get me.

He said he hated to know me too late, too early to get married, he and his wife is arranged by their parents, there is no affection, he will divorce and STAY with me.

I began to be quite disgusted, did not agree with him, but also admonished him to cherish the family and so on.

But he was patient enough to screw me around for a year, and I started to fall in love with him, and it got deeper and deeper, and now I can't help it.

I kept all the messages he sent me, afraid that one day he would leave me, and then I would be able to recall them.

Last year, I went shopping and saw him and his wife and children shopping together, intimate and happy.

I slowly realized that he was never going to get divorced and be with me. Everything he had told me was a lie.

I started crying with him, he would comfort me constantly, and he would tell me that he would divorce me.

But I know all this is just a lie, I know I should not continue with him, I also know that I become a third party, I hate myself, also hate why he wanted to find me.

I tried to talk myself out of it, but I kept seeing him and what he had said.

Now two months apart, I often think about him at night thinking about insomnia, distracted work, the whole person looks like a ghost, I don't want to do this to myself.

I even thought I'd find someone else to fall in love with and just forget about him, but I had failed once and I couldn't fail again.

Miss Katzig, I don't want to ruin my life. It's too painful. Can you help me?

A: Hello girl, when I read your letter, I can feel your pain and struggle.

Even though you're torn by the relationship, you're aware of reaching out for help, and that's a good start.

It means you've made up your mind to end the relationship and save yourself.

You said before that you separated from your ex-boyfriend for two or three years. The reason for the separation was that your parents did not agree with you. In the years after the separation, you did not go to any other blind date.

I think there may be several reasons:

O1. Your parents have a strong desire to control you without considering your feelings.

O2. The lack of love from your parents when you were young made you afraid to enter into a relationship.

O3, too insecure, afraid of injury, so do not want to let others easily into your heart.

O4. Lack of ability to distinguish and express emotions, and it is difficult to share their feelings or emotions with others.

All of these four things add up, and you're a very weak girl on the inside.

And all the inner weak girls are often very easy to have one thing in common, is easy to meet cheating and playing with women's feelings in the emotional men.

Why is that? Let me explain it to you.

For example, when this married man first made a move on you, you didn't accept it and you felt repulsed. This is your internal defensiveness at work.

This defensiveness can cause a person to be unable to have a normal relationship for a long time because she refuses to allow others into her heart in order to avoid getting hurt and losing control.

A man with a long choice attitude will also surrender when he can't overcome a girl's defenses for a long time.

And I'll also say that in my counseling, I've seen a lot of girls fall into the trap of thinking,

If a man likes me, he will pursue me without hesitation and even accept the threshold I set.

But in fact this is just a girl's naive idea, a self-esteem normal, and really rush to get married to the boy, he will probably not for a girl and humble, put down his dignity.

Because this boy knows that a good relationship requires balance, a willingness to respect each other, and a willingness to be comfortable with each other, for it to last.

Therefore, I can definitely tell all girls, if you are too independent, too defensive girl, then you will not meet a good boy.

And what kind of man can impress a girl like that?

Like the married man in this case.

The married man does not choose his partner for the purpose of mating, so he does not need to pursue a balanced relationship.

Because he doesn't care if it's easy to get along with you, he just wants to satisfy his own desire to conquer, and to satisfy the physical pleasure.

He didn't want to pay any financial costs.

So treating you well, taking care of you, even putting down your dignity and kneeling down, this is the lowest cost way to achieve the goal.

But it's also the most powerful weapon a girl like you can use to penetrate her defenses.

So let's look at what does defensiveness protect? What we protect is our self-esteem, sense of existence, sense of worth, and sense of security.

When a man is constantly on his knees begging a girl to accept him, there is no doubt that he is reinforcing and satisfying the girl's sense of existence and worth.

That's how you end up sinking in this relationship.

Your obsession with a married man makes it look like you're in love with him, but it's really because he feeds your narcissism to the fullest.

But you also have to know that narcissism is satisfied at the cost of your youth, your feelings, your spirit.

I'm sure you know for yourself how cruel it is for a young girl to pay that price.

Back to your question, you said you didn't want to ruin yourself, you wanted me to help you, you know, the person who can really help you isn't me, it's you.

The sudden end of a relationship is hard for anyone to accept right away, and you are bound to feel painful and sad.

Instead of trying to escape the pain, try to accept it.

Finding someone to fall in love with again, for example, is a very stupid way, but you are aware of that.

When you accept the pain, truly experience it, and allow it to exist, you will discover that it is not so terrible, and you will have the courage and strength to overcome it.

I hope my response today will give you courage and strength, and I hope it will give courage and strength to all girls who make wrong choices.