Faith

It has been over two years since Noah and his family finally returned to Washington when I visited him in Idaho. His family had came back within a weeks (after I left)after Noah had been healed from the incident that caused him to be shot in the arm, thankfully, it didn’t hit any major arteries and he was okay.

School has gone by quickly and I still haven’t adjusted to being social—I was still stubborn and a bit more secluded. Graduation is ahead and I feel like I’m going to finally accomplish my goals—-to blind audition for the Spokane orchestra. Noah and I had our friendship, but as the years passed and after my relationship with Marisol ended—-things fell apart.

I missed Noah more than I could ever thought I could imagine or feel—he was always surrounded by tons of our peers, and I was the loner.

We tried to rekindle our friendship at different times and avenues of our school life and in general, but I felt like there was something holding him back from how we used to openly communicate and understand each other.

This was one of the most important events of my life. I asked Noah to meet me afterwards—-immediately he agreed and we drove together, well, I drove him since I had a car, and he waited for my audition to be over. The whole ride, there was a tense silence between us, even as we joked and tried to make things light.

With my disastrous audition completed, I went out to see Noah’s awaiting expression.

“I’m just mediocre.” I said with a sigh. I couldn’t believe that one of the judges said that to me, and that I needed to study the music better, because I often played notes much longer than needed, or too fast.

Noah put his hand on my back and shrugged. “Remember, your real goal is LA. You don’t need them.”

“Thanks for trying, Noah, but I am just not good enough. As hard as I have worked, as dedicated as I am, I am destined to be only as half good as the guy next to me. I should just stop thinking I’m so special and get a real job to pay the bills and help out society.” I meant it too, it felt like it was the end of the line for me.

“I have faith that you will get there. I know you will.” He said so strongly, with a passion I could not help but listen to, I didn’t say anything else. “You are the most extraordinary guy I know. And the most dedicated person I have ever met to doing what is right, and not only acting right, but believing it and understanding why it needs to be done. You are a very good person, and you deserve happiness.”

I got very angry all of a sudden and blurted out, “My passions are for nothing. My love for you has been wasted on this dream of mine, along with the pain of not even accomplishing it to its fruition.” For a minute, I said nothing. My cheeks darkened, and my heart felt like it was beating faster than a hummingbird’s wings.

Then, all of a sudden, I realized what I had said.

I told him I loved him! He looked at me apprehensively.

He was very quiet and I looked at him. “Ar-are you okay?” I asked him weakly, stuttering.

He looked very surprised, his dark blue eyes shining in the light of the sun, widened slightly and his hands and arms limp at his sides.

“You love me?” He whispered.

I was glad I had learned to drive and had my own car at that moment and said, “Noah, let’s go somewhere more private.”

He was smiling now, his eyes glazed over and it looked to me like he was day dreaming.

I laughed at him despite it all, and I took his arm, walking to my car.

I drove for awhile, and the car ride was silent. He just had this dopey smile on his face the whole time, but I was tense and very stressed.

I drove over to my house. It was Saturday, and I knew that my mother was out shopping and my brother was with his girlfriend, Marta, so it was a good place to go to talk.

I drove up to the drive way to our little white bungalow, and got out of the car quickly, as Noah followed.

We got in the house, and I offered him something to drink.

“No thanks.” He said.

“Go ahead and sit down, relax. I will be right back.” I said, and went to my bedroom to get myself together.

I wanted to scream, to curse, to punch something for how stupid I was. But I couldn’t lie and tell him I meant something else, or someone else. He knew me, and realized early on that when I blurted things out, they were always fact. And I brought him here in my house!

I hated myself.

I changed into some relaxing blue jeans and my still favorite faded blue button up shirt to waste time. I even brushed my hair, and looked in the mirror, I was so damn nervous.

I finally walked in the living room and saw him sitting on our big comfy couch.

He saw me and said, “Damn, this couch is comfortable. I wish I would have stayed here after all that one summer.” He chuckled lightly, and I smiled weakly, sitting down in my father big cushioned chair with the recliner.

I didn’t know what to say. I was at a loss for a logical explanation, or a really good one, for that matter.

He smiled at me, and I took in a deep breath. “Relax Ben. I won’t bite your head off or anything. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t feel comfortable doing.”

“You always say that.” I rolled my eyes at him jokingly, and

I laughed a little, but it felt jittery.

“I mean it.”

“Noah, I…I’m sorry,” Was all I could manage to say.

“No, I’m sorry.” Noah said. “I shouldn’t be giving you mixed signals. Look, is it okay with you if I am honest, completely? I hope you don’t cast me out like some pariah if I tell you what I want to say.”

I wasn’t expecting this, but I felt very comfortable with Noah’s honesty, and I would never cast him out of my life.

“Tell me what you like. I would never do that to you, anyway.”

He looked at me plaintively, and sighed heavily.

“From the moment I first met you, that day when I stopped you from punching out my jerk of a brother,” He paused and I laughed, “I couldn’t get you out of my mind. I heard the fight, I heard how you handled yourself, so loyal to your family and perceptive of people you didn’t even know, much less talked to, and I became very interested to know you more. You seemed so different. Not different in a way that made you an outcast, no, but different as in intelligent, someone you could count on, a guy who knew what he believed in and wasn’t in a mess of a life I was in.”

“What do you mean?”

“When my mother died, everything fell apart. My father quit his job almost immediately after the funeral and became depressed. Sometimes we had nights with no heat, no electricity. No food… he tried to find something else, I think half-heartedly, but no one would hire him. He wouldn’t take out any handouts, and he… did drink a little. He was never violent or abusive with us, but he was very lethargic and full of excuses, and told us we should be carrying some of the load.” He smiled. “My father got out of it, though, mostly through beating himself up about it so long, and from John and I’s constant scolding at him. He found a good job here through the help of a friend and we saw that Spokane had some affordable homes throughout the area.” He frowned.

“But that’s beside my point. We did have our good days, and John and I tried to work together to ease our pain.”

I was a little shocked he had come and told me all of this, as I had never known about their troubles to the extent that it had been.

“You’re father is so happy and full of energy. I can’t imagine…” I strayed off and he smiled at me.

“That’s how he was when mom was alive. He really tries to be a good father and be himself, to be strong. Everyone has their low points, and he was really in pain when she died.” He looked at the floor solemnly, “I wish I would have opened up to you about it earlier, it’s something I needed to work out on my own for awhile, and I was afraid to talk about it.”

“I know who you are, and that is what matters to me. What we did in the past is important, what was done in the past as well, but if you’ve known someone long enough and there is trust and devotion, all that happens is you understand them a little better.

He looked at me again with such a soft, beautiful look, I smiled and my heart thudded inside of my chest. He nodded and then hit the side of his head. “Dang, I side tracked again. I always do that to you.” He laughed sadly. “I wanted to tell you that throughout the time I have gotten to talk to you, hang out with you, and just in general be around you, has been the happiest times in my life.” He coughed a little nervously, “And, to be quite honest, I think you are very handsome. You have a very particular look about you…”

“What do you mean particular?”

I said in a funny accent, trying to lighten the mood. He laughed softly.

“I mean that you’re striking. Marisol always commented to me how handsome you are, and how you have these little freckles on your nose that she loved.” I laughed out loud.

“She said that? You two got close, eh?”

“Yeah.” He grinned. “And no, we didn’t get close really at all, she was just infatuated with you, and sometimes made a comment like that to me before you would come over and say hi to us at school.”

“I see. Well, what about it?”

“You like hearing about yourself, don’t you?” Noah commented with a wry grin.

I blushed a little. “No.”

“I like your look,” He continued, “Your are so interesting. You have a dark, golden ring around your iris, and your eye is this cool shade of gold and amber. And your hair is very characteristic of your personality, wild and full of impatience.”

I didn’t say anything, still blushing and he laughed. “Am I annoying you?”

“No… no not all.” I coughed. “I lov---I mean I like your eyes too.” Smooth, I thought. That was very suave, Ben.

He grinned, that smile I loved. I dared not say another word, and I breathed in slowly. We were both quiet for a few minutes, and I felt, all of sudden, like the air was being sucked out of the room, and all I could hear was my heart ticking like a time bomb. All of the levity in our conversation dropped to zero.

“I love you so much, Ben.” He coughed slightly, and his cheeks reddened. “I have loved you for a long time.”

I felt almost like I was about to faint and collapse with the fear of it all. The fear of my love, reciprocated in full. It was terrifying to me, to hear it aloud, to make it real.