Failed Recoil

“I apologize for not being confident within myself” is what I want to text you but I’m not sure if this is the right thing to say. “WYD?” Or “did you read my text?” probably isn’t the best thing to say to you either. As I pace around my bedroom, I can’t help but think about our conversation. Emotions were high on both sides and I am sorry about my lack of confidence because if I was, then I wouldn't have texted that the other night. “Man I’m tired” I whisper to myself while rubbing my eyes. The cold marble floor beneath my feet is soothing but not enough to calm me down. I’ve been tossing and turning for the past 2 nights wondering if you read my messages. Wondering how you felt about me. Wondering if you’ll call me again. You must think the worst of me and I can explain. What if I were to tell you that I'm damaged, emotionally battered and some days I feel low. I question all of my actions because I am re-learning how to love myself again. My hyperactive mind tells me that you’re withholding something from me and I can’t help but ask for clarity. The abrupt distance from us has been bothering me because you use to always pick up my calls. Why is there a sudden change?

I am new to this dating game and while trying to move on from my ex, I forgot how it felt to be alone. To be honest, I’ve never been single longer than 2 months because I can’t imagine being by myself. It’s only been 4 weeks out of a past 5-year relationship and I’m starting to get that itch for another relationship. In our current climate, it's the norm to jump in headfirst while ignoring all caution flags before they turn red. Being in a relationship is the new fad with the accessory hashtag “relationship goals” and being single is as great as eating a cold pizza. The space you once shared with your ex is bigger, there are enough bedsheets to surrender to, and when I come home it's dark. Who wants to lay in a California King all alone? The nail in the coffin is being alone with your thoughts and you start to realize how damaged and boring you really are. If I’m being honest, this baggage is too heavy to accept, and it's not something I’m willing to deal with right now.

I finally sit down on my bed after walking around hopelessly and close my eyes. The nickel-colored clouds this morning makes it easier to hide from the present but I can’t stop rewinding the past. “Why did I say anything?” I whispered to myself. I lay down and drop my phone next to me while simultaneously pinching my forehead. I start to think about the fears that leaked out in our last conversation when we were arguing. I was triggered. I was mad over you not being available when I needed you to be. For the past 2 weeks, we’ve been connecting really well, and all of a sudden you don’t want to talk to me. It makes me wonder if this was my fault? Was I too forward? Is it because I was texting too much? Was it the sexting? Or was it when I said you were condescending like my ex? Now that I think of it, yes that sounds really bad but I wasn't trying to compare you to him. It was just my emotions getting the best of me. Maybe I could’ve phrased it better or expressed that you were rubbing me the wrong way.

To be honest, I shouldn’t have said anything because maybe I was overreacting. My ex used to say that to me all the time when I would tell him how I felt. Maybe he’s right since it’s easier to have someone feed me my truth and control the narrative. I don’t trust myself because listening to my intuition gives me doubt. I barely listen to it, but I wouldn’t end up in certain situations if I did. A week before meeting you I was alone and depressed. The optical illusion I tried to keep of being in a happy relationship had failed. Now I have to pick up the pieces and deal with myself and my bullshit. The scary thing is that I’m not really sure how and this dating thing is stranger than I thought. I have no clue what I’m doing but I’m praying that I didn’t mess things up with us.

These past weeks getting to know you have kept my mind off the pain, but it was also a reminder that I don’t even know who I am. No one talks about losing your identity when you’re entwined with someone and not having a sense of self once the journey is done. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to be hurt either. The past leaked into my consciousness which translated to words that shouldn’t have been said. I want to believe that you are nothing like my past, but how am I supposed to take a leap of faith? My thoughts are getting the best of me. I hope I hear from you because I don’t want to…

(Buzzing)

My eyes dart open and I picked up my phone to see that he finally text me

(Reads message)

“Hey I just woke up since I was out all night with friends,” he says

“Great,” I text back “I hope you had a good time,” as I texted while trying to sound understanding

“I did. But, I also wanted to tell you that I thought about the other night and this isn’t going to work out”

I throw my phone back down on my bed in defeat while my hope crumbled to the ground and I can’t help realizing the fact that I'm all alone again. What am I supposed to do now?

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