Facing the Rest of My Life Alone

I’ve been single for 25 years and a lot of people find that shocking, or something to be pitied. They rarely ask if it’s been by choice. They see a woman in her 50s, a woman past her prime with diminishing prospects for finding a lifetime partner. After all, how much time does she have left? They see the things that are supposed to be unattractive to potential mates: wrinkles, a belly pooch, hair that’s beginning to gray. Unless, of course, that potential partner is also aging in unattractive ways. But then again, aren’t aging men only seeking out younger, firmer women?

Their pity is exhausting.

A lot of people pity single people. They shouldn’t waste their time or that emotion. There’s nothing inherently wrong with pity, mind you. Pity can be a heart-felt expression of empathy. Feeling sorry for people who are in pain, going through tough times, are victims of crimes or natural disasters, are oppressed, or are trying their best but not getting much of anywhere, can bring out the best of our humanity. But, feeling sorry for people because they’re not living up to social constructs and arbitrary expectations is unnecessary, and often hurtful.

Well meaning pity weighs you down. It makes you feel responsible for other people’s reactions to you. If they pity something about you – in this case, the fact that you’re single – that can make you feel responsible for doing something to make them stop pitying you. The thing is, that’s on them. I may be strong enough to carry the weight of people’s pity, but I’d rather use that strength for other things. I’m not responsible for how people feel about my being single. I’m only responsible for myself. Which is the main point of being single.

I’m divorced. My two kids are grown up. I am no longer responsible for the well-being of any human other than myself. That is incredibly freeing and an enormous relief. I don’t have to compromise with anyone. I eat what I want, do what I want, go where I want, when I want. I don’t feel guilty for not going to bed because I’m in the throes of an all-night writing binge. There’s no fighting over the remote control. And I’m not alone in feeling this way.

A study cited in an article in Psychology Today found that:

Over the course of their adult lives, and over time historically, single people become more satisfied with their lives…

In this study of 40- to 85-year-olds, people who stayed single became more satisfied with their lives as they grew older.

And when the renowned Pew Research Center undertook a study of single Americans in 2019, the statistics were telling. Half of all single people of any age weren’t interested in dating, and the older people were, the more uninterested they were. Half of all women from ages 50 to 64 didn’t want to date, and 75% of women over 65 were not on the market.

To me, the most interesting statistic from this study is in the grouping of reasons why single people weren’t prioritizing dating. The reasons ranged from having more important things to do, to feeling too old or unworthy. What really pops out is that the biggest reason that people over 50 weren’t dating is that they “Just like being single”.

Those people are my tribe.

That’s kind of important. Loneliness among seniors, particularly senior men, is an issue. I’m not a senior citizen just yet – 50 is the new 40, right? – but this is on my radar. Family and friendships are important. Social connections keep us, well, connected.

On the other hand, being alone is not the same as loneliness. Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., wrote in an article for Psychology Today that she feels more lonely in superficial groups of people than she would by herself. She states, “The single at heart are people who live their best, most meaningful, and most authentic lives as single people.”

That’s exactly how I feel.

None of this is to say that being married or dating is bad. Those are clearly the right choices for a lot of people. Sometimes our wants and needs are all tangled up, and sometimes they’re tangled up in other people. A lot of people need and want romantic soul mates. Not to mention this is a big help in the survival of our species. But, don’t assume that what works for you works for everyone. And don’t pity people who don’t want what you want.

I’m facing the rest of my life alone, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Really, truly, honestly. Be happy for me.