I’m Old Enough to Be Your Mother. Get Over It.

Tattoos. Graphic t-shirts. Pink hair. Short skirts. There’s a long list of things that women over a certain age shouldn’t have, wear, do, or be. Some lists include having younger friends. Fuck that nonsense. And add cussing like a sailor to whatever list you want.

25 years ago I met my friend Denise, when I was 32 and she was 19. I had walked away from an abusive marriage and was raising two young children. She was a teenage mother living on her own. We met at work, and despite all of the reasons we never should have become friends, we did. And that friendship thrived. We were lifelines, second mothers to each other’s children, sources of entertainment, and shoulders to cry on. We shared trauma, love, laughter, and tears.

Our children are now grown, we live on separate coasts, and don’t talk all that much, but I know deep in every fiber of my being that if I needed her, she would be there, because that kind of friendship endures. She grew into one of the strongest, most capable, resourceful, compassionate and smartest people I have ever known, and she never, at any time in her life, took shit from anyone. I grew into someone who now never takes shit from anyone. I learned from her example.

And that example of friendship illustrates that age has nothing to do with emotional connections and learning. The assumption is that younger people learn from older people, that older people are mentors, that younger people are students of a sort, and those kinds of relationships preclude friendship. I was going to say, fuck that nonsense, again, but it’s actually true that a mentor/mentee relationship is a type of friendship. It’s not the kind I’m talking about.

I’m talking about the good, old-fashioned, gossip, cry, laugh, drink a lot of wine, you’re my BFF, I’ll always love you for who you are, kind of friendship. You know what I’m talking about.

Now, friendships between people of different generations aren’t rare, but they aren’t common. A survey by the AARP found that 37 percent of adults have friends who are at least 15 years older or 15 years younger than themselves. And despite the headline to this article, reluctance to forming intergenerational friendships is common in all age groups. Everyone who feels this way is missing out.

People with older or younger friends often find that there are unique benefits to intergenerational friendships. From the AARP:

Adults with a close older friend feel their friend is more likely than people similar in age to help them see another perspective (61%), inspire them (44%), and provide them with a role model (40%), among other benefits. Similarly, adults with a close younger friend feel their friend is more likely than people similar in age to help them see another perspective (54%). They also feel their younger friend is more likely to give them a greater appreciation for their experiences (37%) and allow them to share opinions and insights (37%).

And they talk about the same kinds of things that they do with friends in their peer groups:

What is shared among close intergenerational friends is no different from what is shared with friends in general: Children/family (21%), hobbies/interests (27%), their pasts (21%), and career/work (21%) are the most commonly discussed topics.

Friendships are usually based on people connecting to each other for a wide variety of reasons, like common interests or backgrounds. Sometimes it’s for less obvious or tangible reasons, but intergenerational friendships are formed in the same manner as peer group friendships and people become friends for the same reasons: “personality (22%), having things in common (20%), and having shared interests (17%).” For instance, I’m going to have a better time geeking out with a 20 year-old who shares my obsession with the Marvel universe than I would with someone my age who thinks comics are for kids.

All friendships of any type at any age are important to physical, mental and emotional health, but intergenerational friendships have one more benefit: they help reduce ageism. That doesn’t just mean how younger people view and treat older people. It also means that “adults who have close intergenerational friendships are more likely to report having a positive attitude about aging (69%) than those who don’t have these types of friendships (64%).”

So if you’re afraid of getting old the best way to counteract that is to make some friends who are older than you are. If you suspect that your attitudes about younger people are based on memes and stereotypes, you should make some friends who are younger than you are. Older women can have pink hair and wear short skirts, and millennials aren’t lazy.

And here’s the thing, I actually have some negative opinions about Boomers, despite the fact that I could be considered one, being born in the very last year of the generation. I identify with Gen-X. But Boomers aren’t a monolithic bloc of people and I’m working on making more friends who are older than me because I want to walk my talk and because I believe it’s high time we fill in the generation gaps. It’s good for us as individuals and it’s always better for society to connect people rather than keep them apart.