Eulogies

Eulogy 1: Civic Duty

You were unremarkable in the way only young men can be. Confident, cocky, and wholly forgettable. We clumsily fucked until you were spent, and happy, and euphoric. I wish I could say you were charming or astonishingly handsome but I cannot. You were scared. The next morning your life would change in ways that cannot be specifically foreseen. I hope the collective always celebrates you on Veterans Day and not Memorial Day, but for me you will always only be a duty I served to my country.

Eulogy 2: Town Gossip

Good people sometimes say terrible things. Even to people they value, or at least claim to value. You were easily the most obnoxious man to date, not dangerous, just sloppily annoying. Snide remarks passed as sarcasm and good fun. It wasn’t. You were mean. You so badly wanted the juicy story to be that I was a prude, but the real gossip was that your balls smelled like old dairy wrapped in a dirty gym sock.

Eulogy 3: The Lover is Always the First Suspect

“You know if he goes missing they will suspect you first”

Oh the wise words of an older sister seeing the end of the relationship before me. I don’t know how you refer to that week in Bermuda but I affectionately call it “Breakup Cruise 2006”. It’s a recounting that has delighted many hearts along the way, they don’t so much laugh at your expense but more so blanche at my bluntness.

“You broke up with him on a cruise?!”

I couldn’t help it, we said we would discuss it all when we got back to Bayonne but you had to bring it up, your face so hopeful that this was the right thing to do! And my face, saying all the things that very quickly my mouth said as well. Did you so swiftly forget how we verbally berated and tore down one another six tiny nights ago? How so many people heard every word of disdain we tossed at each other?

How we both meant what we said ?

Eulogy 4: I Love My Dog

You were a bit too much of dry humored snark for a 17-year-old who played the tuba in marching band. Why I thought you were dreamy is beyond me now but there I was 25 years ago, saying

“I love you”

and your response hasn’t left me since

“Oh, well, look, I love my family, and I love my sister. I mean, I love my dog. I like you.”

Eulogy 5: High Five

In retrospect, the loss of my virginity culminating in a double high five instead of an orgasm wasn’t the worst thing to happen in bed.

There was nothing spectacular about it. I wasn’t in love. I wasn’t somewhere wonderful. The act itself, well, you read it, he double high fived me after! But, he was kind. He was kind that night. He was kind anytime our paths crossed after. And from what I can tell, he continues to be a kind man to this day.

If you are going to make questionable decisions I highly suggest you make them with kind people. You’ll have little to regret later in life.

Eulogy 6: Insert Penis Here; Actually, Please Don't

When I am sitting at a desk doing schoolwork the last thing I am hoping for is your flaccid peen being stuck in my ear.

Even if you are freshly showered.

Even if you do find it hysterical.

:)

Eulogy 7: Swiss

Why oh why did I think I, a pack-a-day smoker, could do a hike and not wheeze through the whole thing!? Fool! Hahaha, I wheezed hard and you heard it the whole time and when we got to the top you made a snarky remark as if I were the most out of shape person you had ever met.

And then, WHY OH WHY AGAIN did I think I, still a pack-a-day smoker, could rent a bike with no gears to pedal around an island with you? You, who happened to be a hobby cyclist back in Switzerland! Mountainous, glorious, Switzerland!

And yet, there we were, screwing our way around WA.

Eulogy 8: Riding Side Saddle

We were sitting on the bottom of the stairs at the Stick House with big-balled Tully dog close by. You weren’t the man I was dating. Not the moppy haired guy who walked out of the bush across from the deli I worked at and took a full two weeks before he could say more than “hi” to me. He was up top getting high while we chatted about all the things people talk about when they live on opposite sides of the planet and will likely never talk again. Vulnerabilities, dreams, dashed hopes.

And while I have no idea where you ended up after that meeting, I’ll always appreciate our brief friendship if only because instead of calling me “Jersey” you insisted on calling me Hannah.