Etiquette and rules for dealing with a me-too survivor

So, here's a disclaimer this post is in no way accusing people of being bad people. I just want people to know and do better. I do think before we talk about etiquette we need to talk about me too itself.

In case you don't know what me too is, I'll explain. Me too is the global movement that seeks to expose and prevent sexual harassment and assault (or rape), especially against women, by raising awareness and holding perpetrators to account. We hope it leads to adoption of successful or persuasive policies or practices used or promoted by the world at large. We also hope that this movement will stop the boys will be boys mind set. One of the primary news stories was Harvey Weinstein who was convicted of sexual misconduct.

When someone is labeling themselves a me-too survivor it means that they have survived rape or assault. It could also mean that they were a victim of harassment. According to google nationwide, 81% of women and 43% of men reported experiencing some form of sexual harassment or assault, according to a 2018 study conducted by the University of California and the non-profit Stop Street Harassment. So it's a big problem.

Now to the etiquette part of this post. The first and main thing we need talk about is the story of the me-too survivor. The story of the survivor is private and sacred. It doesn't rule their lives but it's a huge part of who we are. It shapes how we see the men and relationships, or even the world. But there is somethings you need to know about the stories.

The biggest rule is if you are not a survivor do not lie about being one. There are better ways to get attention. You may think you do but you will get labeled a certain way. You could make it harder on actual survivor be believed. Plus this is a weird thing to lie about and want attention for. Pretending to be a survivor will make you look like a shitty person.

The other big rules are those surrounding the telling of the story. Rule number one of telling the story is don't tell everyone the story be so careful who you trust. People may judge you or betray your trust in some way.

To non survivors ask the survivor before you share the story. Double or triple check if you have to. If you want to share the story you must get permission. If you share it without permission, it is a huge betrayal even if it isn't done in a malicious way.

When it comes to the survivor telling their story all you have to do is be there for them. Don't ask inappropriate questions. Don't victim blame or shame them. If you can't think of anything to say all you have to do is hold their hand and say, "that sucks, I'm sorry." It's really that simple. Don't be judgy or hurtful. Also don't say things "we all have some trauma".

After you know the story be there for them. Sometimes sitting there with them is all that they need. Occasionally getting them out of the house is also a good thing. The one downside is the nighttime issues the survivor may encounter. If you don't want them texting or calling after a certain time, setting boundaries is ok.

Respecting all boundaries, especially physical is critical. What annoys a lot of people is the boundaries may change. One day the survivor maybe ok with all hugs the next they may not want to be hugged by men. Please be patient with this.

If they ask you for advice then give them advice. They already get so many bits of advice. Plus pushing them to do something can be triggering. Pushing them to do things is how they became victim/survivor to begin with.

If you're the next person or a person they date after this and they tell you their story they're not doing this for attention. They're probably telling you because they still struggle with some triggers. Ask good follow up questions like is there anything I need to know about like triggers? Also some women may not want sex or only want sex on their terms.

I understand that this is new territory for you, it's new for survivors to and every survivor is different. Just be kind to those who have trauma.