Ethereal Connection

“Have you ever fallen in love with your sister? Okay, not your sister, but someone like a sister to you? Someone so close to you that they know every mistake you’ve ever made, seen every side to your mystery, witnessed all your insecurities? Well I have and it caught me by surprise. You see, it all started with a text and a great idea.”

Allen: Hey. How are things with you and the new guy? I saw the: I LOVE YOU, pictures you posted.

Claire: LOL. Things have been good. How are things with you and Bailey?

Allen: GREAT. You know, the usual: Sex all night long, waking up to breakfast already cooked, coming home to my bed made and laundry done. I have no complaints lol.

Claire: You’re such a dork! I saw she finally moved in with you… For real how has it been?

Allen: Honestly… I don’t know how I feel. I love her, but sometimes I wonder how long I can stay. I’ve never been good at relationships… you know this!

Claire: Give yourself a break. It’s not ALWAYS your fault LOL. I kid! What has you questioning things?

Allen: For starters, I feel like she doesn’t appreciate the things I do to try and be sweet. For example: this morning I left her a note before I left for work, detailing all the reasons I love her. I came home to it sitting in the same exact location… as if she never even read it.

Claire: In her defense… maybe she didn’t see it?

Allen: I placed it underneath her glasses on the night stand and it had her name in big letters with a heart and said: “Read me”. How much more obvious can I be? LOL

Claire: Okay. No excuses there. Maybe we should all get together for lunch? I could finally meet her, you could meet Derek, and I can give you the lowdown on what I think afterwards. I mean it has been YEARS literally since we hung out in person.

Allen: TRUTH. Okay, let’s do it. Hey, you should invite Heather and Janelle… I haven’t seen or spoken to them in forever!

Claire: Deal. See you Saturday for lunch at Canes?

Allen: OMG YES! Just like old times (:

Claire: (:

“See? what a great conversation AND idea. I know, it’s strange that we haven’t hung out in years and yet we text almost daily. However, until recently we lived hours apart, and then once I did move to town; I met Bailey. You know how that goes. Girlfriends don’t like you spending time with other females alone. They tend to get jealous.” I pause momentarily, take a deep breath, and then begin again. “ I met Claire in college. I was a Senior and she was a Freshman. Normally I don’t associate with people younger than me, but Claire was different. We were in the Cafe getting lunch one day, and happened to be with the same group of people. We didn’t talk directly, but I remember listening to her speak and feeling connected. We had a lot in common! So much so that without even speaking to her, I already knew we would be friends.”

“Then one day a few weeks later, I saw her walking to class earbuds in and ignoring the world. I snuck up behind her, removed her left earbud which dropped, slapping against her hip as the cord rocked, and then swiftly moved to the right side of her before she could see me when turned around to inspect. As she faced forward again, there I was, with my devilish grin. I can still see her smile radiating in the September sun.”

“From that day forward we were besties. We text everyday, went to parties together, ate lunch together, we even worked out together. I kept nothing from her, and she was always candid with me. After I graduated, I took a job in a town near our college. I would drive up on weekends to attend football and basketball games with her. You see, sports are sort of the lifeblood for us both. We live for them!”

“Then, after she graduated, she took a job in her home City, 9 hours from me. For the next two years, we continued to text almost daily but the opportunity to hangout just never seemed to happen with our busy work lives. Until...”

“Fate stepped in. I got a job offer in her city that I couldn’t refuse. I planned on surprising Claire when I finally arrived, but crazy thing: I met Bailey my first day in town, leaving the airport. She was beautiful and sweet! Bailey had all my attention and while I texted Claire to let her know I had moved to town, I never did make it a point to do something with her. In hindsight, it might have been because she had started dating Derek, and I didn’t wanna mess that up for her.”

“Weeks turned into months, and before you knew it, Bailey was moving into my apartment. Which takes us to the text exchange from earlier, and subsequently the lunch.”

“The days leading up to lunch I could feel the butterflies upturning. I figured it was probably because I hadn’t seen her in years; just extra built up excitement.” I take a moment to clear my throat and sip the lukewarm coffee sitting on the table. It’s hard to think of that moment. Not hard as in hard to remember, but as in the emotional toll it takes is heavy because of its absolute clarity. When I think about it, it doesn’t feel like a memory. I can see it, feel it, remember the music blaring from the cracked window of a passing car. I can smell the freshly cut grass and frying chicken floating through the warm May air… but Claire, that day, is by far the most vivid.

“I remember pulling into the parking lot, listening to a country song on the radio. Bailey’s hand in mine resting on the middle console. I got out of the car while Bailey checked her appearance in the mirror on her visor. I turned to face the building wondering if they had arrived yet. It was then that I saw her. The wind was gentle, and the sunlight was streaming in through the large glass windows illuminating Claire and Derek standing at the counter, their backs to me, placing their order. I pulled out my phone and text Claire: Here(:”

“I watched as she reached into her back pocket removing her smartphone, and as she read my message turned to peer out the window looking for me. The sunlight catches her eyes as she does, and I can see her immediately squint and wince a bit at its brightness. She was wearing tennis shoes, light washed jeans that accentuated her long, toned legs and a red t-shirt (already knowing it would have our college logo on the front). Her wavy brown hair with streaks of blonde had been straightened, and she was wearing light makeup. I wish she hadn’t been, because it hides her cute light-brown freckles that dot her cheeks, nose, leaving a few on her forehead. The sun puts a spotlight on her eyes, and even from my distance I can see the beautiful hazel, and I remember picturing the tiny golden flakes that congregate near her iris. Finally, she spots me and the immediate smile that overtakes her face, brings one to mine. Revealing two slight and symmetrical dimples, and perfect white teeth that separate her rose lips. I felt warm, like the feeling of hot coffee after being outside in the cold. It spread through me.”

“It was like a scene from a Hollywood movie: Time standing still when the girl enters the room, the man can’t breathe, can’t move, can’t even think about anything that isn’t her. Because she has overtaken every atom of his being… they are all in her control. It was like that, except it wasn’t. Time didn’t exactly stand still, but the moment had a hyper-clarity quality about it that I don’t know how to put into words. I don’t remember holding my breath, honestly I don’t know if I did or didn’t, but I do know I couldn’t move. I was seated in place, transfixed, and totally oblivious to everything else. It sounds crazy I know, and it feels just as crazy to me! I had seen Claire thousands of times but I have no idea why that moment was so special. It just was. In that moment I knew I could never, would never, look at another woman that way. I would never see another the way I had just seen her.”

“The moment ended with a gentle hand on my lower back, Baileys, and we walked into the restaurant together. Immediately I glided to Claire and gave her a huge hug, slightly lifting her from the ground. Taking in the scent of her floral perfume that reminded me of walking into a meadow in the spring, and the warmth and strength that radiated from her body as her arms squeezed my back. Her fingers gently digging in. I set her back down and released her, taking a step back to introduce Bailey. I glance about and see Heather and Janelle around the corner at a table reserving a spot for us all. Claire and Derek finished placing their order and go to sit. We followed suit.”

“At the table, things were awkward. Maybe they weren’t to everyone else, but to me, they were. I kept feeling myself being drawn to look at Claire, but I knew I couldn’t because I wouldn’t want to stop. So I focused on Heather, Janelle, and even Derek. I almost didn’t speak directly to Claire at all, and I could sense her growing anger. I don’t know how I could, because when I did sneak a quick glance at her she appeared fine, but I knew she wasn’t. She couldn’t know the way I needed to look at her. It felt as if I were on a diet, but sitting inside a bakery.”

“Then, before I knew it, lunch was over. We all exchanged hugs, except Derek and I who shook hands. I remember hugging Claire and feeling her pull away from me quickly. There was no extended embrace, her fingers didn't swirl my shirt, nor did she squeeze. As we let go, I clung to the scent of lavender that wafted from her hair as it grazed my cheek. It wasn’t the kind of hug we normally shared.

I texted her later that day when we got home.”

Allen: It was great seeing you today! Derek seems like a cool guy (:

Claire: Agreed. Bailey seems nice, too.

Allen: We’ll have to do it again soon!

Claire: Of course.

“But we didn’t. Our daily texts ended. We still liked each other's photos on social media and texted about our sports teams occasionally, but things had changed. In the blink of an eye, my best friend wasn’t my best friend. Then, about a year and half after that lunch, her and Derek broke up. That was the first time we really talked in that duration between, and I remember feeling giddy. Like: maybe this is my chance to get my friend back. But it didn’t happen. We talked more than we had in awhile again, but soon the texts stopped. About six months later, I finally ended things with Bailey. She took it as a shock, I don’t know why, but I guess she had expected an engagement and marriage and all that. However, I wasn’t happy in my relationship with her. I half expected to hear from Claire when the news of our ended relationship went public, but I didn’t.”

Dr. Solomon finally cuts in, “So, if that’s the case, why are we discussing Claire today?”

“Well, because that isn’t exactly the end. Over the past few months we have kind of rekindled our friendship, and in many ways it's almost like things were before.” Dr. Solomon seems to consider this for a moment. His eyes studied my face as if it were the headline of today's news.

“Is going back to the way things were, what you really want?” he asks.

“Absolutely! I can’t live without her.” I hear myself respond, not recognizing the voice. He, again, seems to consider this and begins to jot something down in that notebook he has in front of him.

“How about we talk about your relationship with Bailey. Why do you think you weren’t happy? It seems like in the beginning, things were great. That you had this hope for a long future with her.” I wait for him to add something else, but he doesn’t.

“I don’t know.” I respond. “I guess, I was more in love with the idea of her than her. She was beautiful and kind, but we had nothing in common. I’m ambitious, outgoing, I live for sports and am driven by my goals and passions. She’s reserved, unambitious, more of a homebody, and never really seemed to want anything. Anything but me and her dog.” After I conclude this, he doesn’t study me this time, just scribbles in that notebook again.

“That does seem like a fair assessment. But, you don’t think there is any other reason you decided to end things?”

“Nope. Doc I just knew long term neither of us would have been happy and I wanted to give her the best chance of finding that without wasting more of her time.”

“That’s commendable and understandable.” He adds nothing more. Then, “Let’s discuss your relationships post-Bailey. Tell me about them.”

“Well, short-lived… passionate… disconnected.” I pause considering my choice of words, “Yup, that describes them all.”

“So, why do you think these other relationships have been that way?”

“I’m not sure, it seems like that’s just what I’m attracting. It’s like nobody really sees me as anything more than a fling or a good time.”

“You are a very attractive man Allen. That alone can be a very difficult thing for a woman to handle. Especially, with all the judgement society throws their way. So maybe you being so attractive and confident, is intimidating them.” There seems to be more he’d like to say, but he holds his tongue while he searches for the right phrasing.

To be honest, I am a pretty decent looking guy. I stand around five foot nine, so not the tallest guy but not short, either. I have brown hair with blonde strands mixed in when you look closely, that is styled in a messy combover. My eyes are iceberg blue, with green specks near the iris and a dark outline along the edges. My jawline is chiseled and always holds a slight layer of stubble. I have straight white teeth and ruby pink lips. While my face is attractive, my body is always the first thing people notice. I’m ripped up with layers of lean muscle to the point Greek statues don’t even compare. I know, it seems vain, but I pride myself on my looks and treat my body with the utmost respect in order to preserve it.

“Allen,” Dr. Solomon is waving his hands at me, “You drifted off. I asked if you would feel comfortable showing me your social media and dating profiles?”

“Sure, but why?”

“Well, I’d like to see what you’re projecting to the world so that we might analyze that. It could be good to see if that is impacting your dating life.” So, I pull out my phone and go to my Instagram profile and hand it over for him to look at. He takes his time scrolling before handing back the phone. I then opened my Tinder account and let him observe that which he does, for a moment, before sliding the phone across the coffee table back to me. “So, Allen you post an awful lot of gym pictures/videos and photos without your shirt. What’s your reason?”

“Well,” I start, “I work very hard for the body that I have and like to show off the results I get, if for no other reason than to inspire others to strive for the same.”

“Fair enough. It is quite obvious that the female population seems to enjoy them. You have quite a few admirers.” He observes. “What about your Tinder? You state in your profile that you are looking for a serious relationship, but you post many of the same shirtless pictures. Don’t you think that might be sending out the wrong message?”

“I guess. I mean I just notice I get a lot more matches when I use those photos rather than just regular ones.” Dr. Solomon again scribbles in his journal before looking up into my eyes for a long moment.

“I have no intention of upsetting you, but I am going to read back to you some things you said earlier and I want you to really think about them, okay?” I nod cautiously and he continues, “You started our discussion today by asking me: ‘have you ever fallen in love with your sister? Okay, not your sister, but someone like a sister to you? Well I have…’ end quote. You were talking about Claire, and you stated you were in love with her. Then a little while later you described seeing her in that restaurant and said this: ‘ in that moment I knew I could never, would never, look at another woman that way… I would never see another the way I had just seen her.’ End quote.” I can feel my chest tightening, what is he getting at?

“Allen, have you ever considered you weren’t happy with Bailey because you had discovered your true feelings for Claire? Maybe even realized they had always been there? Or that maybe your current relationships are the way they are because in reality you only see them as a temporary placeholder for the one you truly desire? And that maybe you project this image of self-infatuation to keep potential suitors at bay? To ensure they feel you are nothing more than a fun time so that you never have to worry about them getting too close?” Finally, he says nothing more and I realize, now, that I have been holding my breath. I don’t answer, I can’t, and so for a while we both just sit in silence listening to the overhead ceiling fan turn about.

“I know I have always loved her. That’s not why I am here though. I want to know how to fall in love with someone else. How to get past these meaningless relationships and have something real.

Dr. Solomon leans forward, removing his spectacles and laying them down on the coffee table in front. “Allen,” he slowly begins, “If you love Claire, why do you want to fall for someone else? You’re like a wave fighting the current of the ocean.”

“Doc, I am. She’s absolutely perfect, and I am incredibly, irreparably flawed. She deserves better than what I am.” The doctor smiles at this.

“That’s love. When you love someone you always want the best for them. It’s just natural. The thing is, the heart wants what it wants. It has no need for examining what is or is not, deserving. Trust me, I feel the same way about my wife. She truly is the moon and stars above in my sky, and is certainly deserving of more than some old geezer like I. Yet, she chose me and continues to do so every day. Not everything that is right in this world, makes sense.

“Doctor, but you don’t understand…” I begin, “What if Claire doesn’t feel the same way? What if I tell her my feelings and she rejects me? Not only do I get refused but now things become weird between us and I lose my best friend for good? It’s too much of a risk.” He jots something down quickly before responding.

“I can’t tell you that it won’t happen, because it is indeed a possibility. But, all of the greatest things in life are on the other side of fear, and living inside a world of: what-ifs will make a man crazy. You might pour your heart out and she could reject you, shattering your heart and breaking you. Then again she might not, she could feel the same. If you tell her, at least you know, and you can deal with what happens next as it comes. But if you don’t, you’ll never know and regret has a way of eating away at a man's soul. To quote Matthew McConaughey in the movie: Ghost of Girlfriends past:

‘You've got to risk love... It doesn't mean that you're never going to get hurt, but the pain you feel will never compare to the regret that comes from walking away from love. And from someone who's felt a lot of both, trust me, pain beats regret every day of the week and twice on Sunday.’

Now, I can’t make this decision for you, but it seems to me you realize Claire means something special to you. So what are you going to do about it?”

Great question Doc. I stand up and grab my coat. “Allen, where are you going? We still have a few minutes remaining in our session. Do you want to talk about what’s going on inside before you act?”

“Doc, I think I’ve wasted enough time. No more waiting.” He smiles, and I return it as I step out the door of his office. Life or death awaits.

The End.