Remember to Live

Christmas, A word that generally incites memories of magical childhood moments. The smell of pine trees wafting through the chilly winter air and of gingerbread sizzling when you walk through the door of the house. Something Mom always baked, so that you and her could build gingerbread houses while sipping hot cocoa and warming your frozen toes next to the blazing fire Dad started. The familiar jingles playing in the background, and the animated Grinch on the tv. Happy memories of smiles, hugs, pajamas, stockings above the fireplace, staying up late to catch Santa, and of jumping on Mom and Dad to wake up when the sun rose to open gifts. The day of the year when all is right in the world, when happiness prevails over all else and love abounds. But happiness never seems to last.

Perditus Sloan, born into a normal family. His mother always did her best to make the moments memorable and Perditus felt her love. However, cancer stalks its prey without the slightest consideration of such things. By the time Perditus was 6 she had passed away and left him alone. The once happy memory filled mind, was soon overflowing with outbursts of physical and emotional abuse from a man who spent most nights asleep on the floor cradling a liquor bottle the same way an infant does it’s formula. There were no presents, no stockings above the fire, and no Grinch on the tv. Perditus’ father rarely worked and even when he did the money went to bills and alcohol. With no barrier island (Mom) shielding him from the hurricane that was his Dad, Perditus grew up independent and strong, wishing to be nothing like his father.

He met Trisha his senior year at University. She had been introduced with some other girls at a Sorority/Fraternity winter mixer. He tried really hard to play it cool. He shook her hand and then proceeded to speak to every other girl in the group before her… but she didn’t mind. Trisha waited patiently, and when Perditus finally turned and let his eyes fully meet hers, he knew she was different. Of course, she was beautiful! Standing at a height of 5’8, wavy brown hair with streaks of blonde, lips the color of a blooming pink rose that dared to be kissed.

But it wasn’t just her beauty that astounded him, it was the easy-going and relaxed feeling he got with her. Like later that evening, when they escaped the crowds. They’d walked to the front porch of the giant frat house and had settled into the porch swing. The brisk winter breeze kept the crowds indoors. It was just Perditus, Trisha, the moon and stars, some gently falling snow, and the occasional passing car. They sat for a long moment, the swing floating through the air in a relaxed motion, their shoulders occasionally rubbing. The quiet didn’t come from a lack of what to say, but rather from basking in the comfort of the moment.

They discussed Majors and Minors, friends and enemies, passions and pet peeves. During their discussion on friends, Perditus brought up a falling out he had recently had with his best friend. She didn’t interrupt, just nodded and followed with her soft blue eyes showing him every emotion. Then, in a quick but sure movement, her hand grasped his. They remained palm in palm for a few fragments of time, their skin gently kissing and then pulling away. Finally their fingers graze before they interlock, with the slow precise movements forcing goose bumps to the surface. Her fingers, their warmth, sent something reverberating throughout that made those upsetting feelings dissipate. For a moment, nothing else mattered but the warmth of her fingers.

Perditus never knew what Trisha saw in him that night. Maybe it was his easy-going personality that allowed her to be herself without any insecurity? Or maybe it was that the brief story of his falling out displayed a tenderness she was drawn to? Maybe it was the same for her as it was for him… that the person he’d just met, didn’t feel like a stranger at all. She felt like a part of himself he’d always known was missing that was finally right where it was supposed to be. The feeling of being whole, that he hadn’t felt since the death of his mother.

They dated over the next two years. Finishing up Bachelor’s degrees, beginning careers, and even moving in together. Perditus had gotten his business degree and Trisha interior design. Perditus went to work for an insurance company, and Trisha for a design firm. Their mornings were filled with music, tender kisses under warm blankets, cups of hot coffee, and easy conversations. Evenings were spent at the gym, cooking dinner together while sipping wine and dancing to music, and cuddling under the blankets while drifting off to a tv show. Their own little beautifully mundane ritual.

At their two year dating mark, Perditus proposed. It wasn’t anything elegant or over-the-top, just a simple dinner and words spoken with complete sincerity that left no doubt as to his feelings or intent. About 7 months into the marriage, the two pink lines appeared. Things were about to change. Perditus knew Trisha would be the best mother, but how would he be as a father? It’s not like he had the best role model to learn from. This became the first topic they never discussed. In all their time together, he’d never withheld anything, but here and now he would withhold his fears of being a bad father. Afraid that his fear would ruin the happiness of the news.

There are a ton of cliché phrases that people tend to say when they witness the birth of their first child. Things like: your life suddenly changes in an instant with nothing mattering except the eyes looking back at you. Sometimes, clichés are clichés because of the tremendous amount of truth they hold and this is one of those times. In that millisecond when your eyes first get a glimpse, so many things come into your head regarding your own childhood. Things that you endured that you want to ensure your child never has to. Like coming home to your father passed out on the Livingroom floor on Christmas eve. Or not ever having money so always wearing the same clothes to school and getting picked on. Perditus knew in that split second, that his daughter Luxus would never have to endure those things. He was going to make sure of that!

~

“Have a holly, jolly Christmas, it’s the best time of the year…” blares from the alarm clock before I can hit snooze. I feel my wife grab my wrist about the time the door burst open. I barely have time to roll onto my back before Luxus is on the bed diving right into the narrow space between her mother and I. She’s immediately wrapped in arms and smothered with kisses.

“ Daddy, you have to give Rudy kisses too, or he’ll be sad.” Pleads Luxus.

“Of course,” I say as I take the stuffed Rudolph we’d bought her years ago into my hands and give him a kiss. Luxus smiles big and takes Rudy back before rising quickly and motioning towards the door. “Luxus, we open presents after breakfast. You know that.”

“Yes, and that’s why I already started. I got the three bowls down, and put cereal and spoons, but the milk is too heavy. Can you help me Daddy?” her eyes wild with excitement.

“You’re a smart one, you know that?”

“Yes, you and Mommy tell me all the time.”

“Okay baby, go put the outfit I laid out last night on, and Dad will meet you in the kitchen.” Trisha instructs and Luxus dashes out the door.

I move a little closer and wait for my wife's eyes to meet mine before giving a soft morning kiss and leaning to her ear and whispering, “Merry Christmas I love you so much.”

BZZZT, BZZZ, BZZZZZZZT. Trisha’s eyes cut to the phone instantly.

“You’re not going in today are you?”

“It’s Christmas day, so many vehicle and home policies to write. It’s the busiest day of the year.” I can see the disappointment on her face so I add, “the money I make on this single day every year, is more than I bring in for the month of January and sometimes February. Once the business is completely built, I won’t have to work like this and we can just rake in the renewals and be just fine. It’s just a few more years of grinding and then money will never be an issue again.”

“Okay,” she concedes, “but spend some time with your daughter first! She’s so excited for today and this is her 6th Christmas… only a few more before the magic fades.”

She’s right and I know it by the lump that just formed in the back of my throat. Clearing it away, I nod before exiting to the kitchen to assist my daughter. When she finally comes into the room, we have to do some adjusting as her shoes were on the wrong feet, and her bow was not fastened to her hair very well. I show her again how to tell which foot the shoe goes on, and she nods cheerfully before hopping up and running to the fridge. She opens the door and I take out the milk and pour it into the bowl until Luxus says STOP. She takes this job very seriously by the way, holding her hands up to gesture. Finally, I move her bowl to the table and start the coffee. When Trisha enters, some light makeup on, brushed hair, and still in her pajamas. I’m finished with my bowl, while Luxus fishes for a loose cheerio.

Trisha knows better than to decline the feast Luxus has prepared for her, so she sits down and munches on a spoonful of O’s while I pour her some coffee. After everyone has eaten their cereal, Luxus runs to grab the stockings. She takes her time reading the names embellished in glitter on the front, checking our expressions to be sure, before bringing mine and Trisha's and lastly her own. Each year we go together to get Luxus’ gifts and stocking stuffers, but buy each other’s separately. We both watch as Luxus opens her mountain of gifts, before finally opening the HUGE present last. A pink Huffy bicycle with a tiny horn and no training wheels, Luxus insisted she learn to ride without them.

“Can I ride it now?!?” she immediately asks, jumping up and down from excitement.

I start to respond, but Trisha saves me, “Daddy has to go in to work for a little bit but if he gets home before it’s dark I bet he will take you out to ride. Right honey?”

“Absolutely we will,” I respond.

She runs first to her mother giving her a huge hug, and then to me. I embrace it and hold it. When she lets go to play with her other gifts, my wife and I exchange ours before I change and leave for work. My daughters hug and the sadness in both of their eyes, haunt me the entire drive. When I arrive, my phones are ringing off the hook and about the time I finish one insurance policy, I’m writing another. Before I realized it, the sun had fallen from the sky and my watch tells me it’s late. I know my family will be disappointed, but starting my own insurance agency a year ago was a big decision. They knew it would mean a few years spent like this as it got going, but once it was going we would be financially stable. The fact is, knowing something will be difficult doesn’t make it any easier when it arrives. If I can work longer hours now, it’ll shorten the time it takes for the business to take off and even sooner that I can get back to my family for good. No pain no gain, right?

~

So, the business didn’t quite go as planned. They say it never does, but that doesn’t help me now. I worked myself into anxiety medication, years of building my book of business and ensuring customer relations were satisfactory… and right as my renewal numbers pass my goal and it seems I can finally just focus on customer service and stop prospecting new business, the rules change. The insurance company my agency is under, now requires a set amount of new business each month to keep getting renewals. That amount is only slightly less than what my typical workaholic months produced, and I knew the dream I had for my family might not happen now. I’d shown Trisha the company policy changes the moment I received it, and she’d nodded without so much as a that sucks.

My daughter is 12 now, and the last six years have been spent building that business at the expense of my wife and daughter. I’d been late to birthday parties, forgotten our anniversary twice, and missed Christmas day every year. Worse, my daughter had begun cheerleading a few years back and I’ve still never made it to a performance, although my wife does a great job filming them. The problem now is that I’m so deep in this that I can’t stop. The only way I can make things right, now, is by figuring out another solution and pressing forward.

As fate would have it, on my daughters 13th birthday her cheerleading group had a performance. My wife planned everything, a post-performance/Birthday dinner at the Cheesecake Factory and ice skating on the frozen pond at city park.

I get to work and am finishing up the last remaining tasks before I close up the office and head to the recital, when the phone rings. I turn away, resolving to allow the voicemail to take this one. But as it fades and I turn again to leave, the ringing returns. I’ll take care of the call quickly, no big deal.

The customer calling had been involved in an accident and was needing to file a claim. He had spoken with the corporate claims team, but wasn’t thrilled and had them transfer him to me so I could handle it. I had to assess the damage, contact the towing company and the garage we use to pick up and store the vehicle until an adjuster can arrive and a quote can be produced. I also contact Avis and have a rental car waiting at the garage when they arrive. All in all it takes two hours and the recital no doubt has ended.

I call my wifes phone, but she doesn’t pick up. I’m sure they’re at the park by now, so that’s where I head. The pond is set up magically, with colorful lights of red, blue, green, and yellow strung up over the frozen water. The tree trunks were wrapped in golden orb lights and a North Pole setup had been created in a nearby area complete with Santa, elves, and a line of parents and children eager for a photo. Being born in December, Luxus and Christmas had always had an entanglement and he knew his wife had made a great decision having the party here.

He sees Luxus skating with a couple of her friends, and when she sees him she skates over for a hug.

“Luxus, Happy Birthday babygirl.” She cringes a little because she’s too big to be called 'babygirl,' now. At least in public, at home she doesn’t protest as much.

“Thanks Dad!” She says adding, “Sucks you missed another recital. I think Mom is kinda mad about it.”

“ I know and I’m sorry! I didn’t intend to get hung up at work…”

“ I know Dad, it’s fine.” She says, cutting me off. Her words might say she’s okay with it, but her eyes tell a different story.

“Where’s your Mom? I haven’t seen her yet.”

“Last I saw she was talking to Cole over by the gifts.” I guess she noticed the puzzled expression because she added, “My cheer coach, Dad. I invited him.”

“I knew that,” I blurt out sarcastically and Luxus smiles. She points back to her friends and I nod. She hugs me again and then ever-so-gracefully skates back to her group.

I searched for Trisha near the gifts, and while many of my daughter's friends’ parents were around, my wife wasn’t one of them. I call again, but her voicemail answers once more. Finally, I get smart. We have our locations shared on iPhone, so I pull it up and discover she’s out in the parking lot. Probably carrying over more gifts. I start walking that way, searching for my wife's car and when I find it she’s standing at the back of the vehicle with the trunk open, and a bag in her hand. A man is standing with her, probably Cole, holding a couple bags in his arms as well. I’m about to call out for her, when she pauses her hand stuck on the top of the trunk prepared to close it but not moving. Suddenly, Cole places his hand atop hers and they close the trunk. They’re far enough away that I can’t hear their words, but soon they’re embracing in a hug and before I can reach them… I witness the end.

The end of what? My marriage, my family, my life.

~

I didn’t make a scene at the party, but it didn’t matter. The kiss was evidence my wife was no longer my wife, regardless of what any piece of paper said. I offered to attend marriage counseling all while begging and pleading for her to stay. But her words have haunted me from the moment the sound reached my eardrums: It’s over.

She gave her reasons, that it didn’t matter how much she and Luxus loved me, that at the end of the day they’d always be at home wondering when I’d arrive and who I’d be when I stepped through that door. The years spent waiting and hoping that they would one day be enough, and that the work and money wouldn’t matter… only to realize that day would never come.

I tried explaining that the working was a means to an end. A way for me to provide a comfortable and happy life for them, but she’d heard it before and it didn’t change a thing. In a last ditch effort, I promised to sell the business and re-devote myself to them. This finally seemed to get her attention. She stopped and sat down, looking me dead in the eye before speaking.

“There’s nothing Luxus and I would want more,” she pauses readjusting her posture before continuing, “but we’d always wonder in the back of our minds how long this could last… until something else took your attention from us again. I’m sorry, I love you and so does Luxus, but you’ll always be you and we’ll never be enough.”

There was nothing further to say. I packed some things and left. Crying to the point I have to pull the car over because I can’t see… the image of my daughter clinging to my neck, tears streaming down her face, as I back away and leave the home she’d been raised in. The one we bought when she was barely a year old. The place she’d always awoken in to find mommy and daddy. I broke my family, and now it’s too late to fix it. I bypassed the hotel and went straight to the office. I have all the time in the world to work now.

~

The years that followed were filled with long work days, and weekends with my daughter spent watching romcoms and eating ice cream. I got a dog, Herk, that Luxus loves to death. He loves her too, especially when she drips ice cream! I attended a few of Luxus’ cheer recitals after mine and Trisha's divorce finalized, but with her and Cole together now, it became too hard. Now, Luxus is about to graduate high school and Cole and Trisha have been married for three years. As much as I’d like to hate the man for stealing my family, I can’t. For one he never stole them, I lost them, and two he seems to make them both happy. So now, we have small talk at “family” events and I pretend like my heart doesn’t break watching him play the part that should be mine.

My business took off and I now have 3 agency locations and multiple employees to help with the load. All those extra hours finally paid off and I have the financial standing to send Luxus to any college she dreams, but my girl took care of that on her own. She stuck with cheerleading through school, and has now signed with Stanford to cheer for them. The cheer scholarship, paired with her academic scholarship, covered her entire undergraduate education. So now, the college money will be sent to her as a monthly allowance and what’s leftover when she graduates can be used to start her life.

When graduation day arrives, I pack into the cramped auditorium and snag a seat next to Trisha and Cole. Trisha seated to my left and Cole to the left of her. Moms on the day their babies graduate, always try to look so tough, but under the surface I know she feels what I do… the ending of an era. The day when their baby was no longer a baby, but an adult soon to embark on her own life journey and eventually create her own family.

As the speaker commences the ceremony, Trisha's eyes begin to tear and soon her waterproof mascara is running. So much for waterproof… she used to always say. Soon names are being announced and students are walking across the stage, smiling for a photo with diploma in hand, and returning to their seats. As Luxus approaches the stage, the butterflies in my stomach won’t calm down. My left hand grips the armrest so tightly you can see the white in my knuckles, as if squeezing will calm the butterflies. As she takes the first step up to the stage and her name, “LEXUS SLOAN,” is announced I feel something unexpected. A hand grasped mine, and it’s like nothing had changed. It’s the same hand she took in hers a little over 20 years earlier, the same inexplicable calm, the same warmth that sent tingles up my arm. I held that moment: Trisha's hand on mine, my daughter's beautiful smile while she proudly wields her diploma like a championship trophy, and the interconnectedness that it all brought.

The moment ended just as suddenly as it had begun. My daughter exited the stage, Trisha's hand left mine, and there it was again… that void. When the ceremony was over we all gathered around to take pictures with her before she left with her classmates on a Senior trip. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and proudly stood with her as the picture was taken. I reminded her of the trip to San Francisco we would be taking together in a few weeks.

“ I know Dad, and I can’t wait. But you’d better book the Hilton,” she says with a wink before wrapping me in a hug.

“Nah. We’re staying at the roadside inn. They had a roach outbreak so rooms are half priced.” She pulls out of my hug and her eyes focus on mine for a moment. But soon my smirk is revealed and I can see the relief in her expression.

I step aside so that her mother can get some one-on-one time. Trisha fights back tears the entire time, but soon they’re hugging and Trisha steps over to me.

“How’re you holding up?” She asks.

“About as well as you, minus the racoon eyes of course,” I say it jokingly, but her eyes still cut at me a bit so, I get serious. “You look beautiful as always, so stop,” I say and give a slight pause before continuing, “ Of course it’s hard to see her growing up, but we knew this day would come eventually right?”

“It doesn’t make it any easier.” she sighs.

I nod in agreement before turning to see Luxus talking to Cole. It’s not like it was anything unusual, but what happened next was, and when I heard it everything changed. Bye Dad. She called him Dad…

~

I hadn’t touched a drink of alcohol since the day we found out Trisha was pregnant… but today felt like the perfect time to change that. I found a dusty bar on the outskirts of town, somewhere I hoped I could remain unnoticed. I strolled up to the wooden bar, and placed my order with the bartender.

“Shot of Cuervo with a lime, please. Can you start a tab for me?” I ask, extending my credit card. He returns shortly with the shot, the lime, and my card. I quickly shoot the tequila and bite into the lime. Tastes better than I remember. I ordered two more immediately.

“Looks like a party over here,” a stranger blurts as he takes the stool next to mine. “Well, the drinking looks like a party… you on the other hand look like shit.”

The stranger is crass, but at least he seems honest.

“Thanks,” I respond before turning back to my shots and taking them both in succession. I can feel his eyes on me so I turn, “What do you want?”

“My father always told me,” he begins, “that drinking only amplifies your feelings. So drinking when you’re sad/mad, only makes you more of both.” He pauses waiting for me to respond I think, but I have nothing to add, so he continues, “well I’m not a psychologist or anything, but I figure talking might help.”

“There’s nothing to talk about pal, so drop it!” The words come out a tad meaner than I intended, but oh well. I mean, who’s this guy think he is? Oprah?

“See, when people say, ‘there’s nothing to talk about,’ it usually means there is something to talk about. So, what’s your nothing?”

“It’s nothing, because it can’t be changed. I lost my family, I can’t change it so no use in discussing it.”

This seems to hit him. “Your family is dead? I’m so sorry to hear that man.”

“No, they’re not dead! They’re just not mine anymore. They belong to Cole, now.”

“How’d that happen?” the stranger asks.

I start to answer but stop, shaking my head at this man-child asking me these questions. At that time, the bartender drops off another shot, and I down it before turning my stool to face him.

“It happened because my wife left me for Cole and now my daughter is calling him Dad. I can’t change it, so i’m going to drink until I can’t remember it.” As the words escape my lips, I wonder if that’s what he did? If my Dad drank like he did to forget and escape the pain he felt when we lost Mom.

“Hey buddy, is that really the reason it happened… or is there more?”

“No, obviously there is more!” The aggravation undeniable at this point, “my wife left me because I worked my life away to give them both everything they could dream of, and instead of waiting for my plans to come together, they moved on to Cole.” It’s then that I realize why they chose Cole. He was always there! He never missed a cheer competition, a school award ceremony, a birthday party, an anniversary. They needed a Father and a Husband, not an ATM.

“You look like you just had an epiphany. Wanna share?” The stranger asks.

“With hindsight being 20/20 and all, I know why they left me. It’s because I was never theirs in the first place. I left them feeling like a consolation prize every time I missed an event of importance to be at work. I never realized my obsession to provide for them, was actually pushing them further away.” I thought back to the early Christmases with my Mom, and I realized it wasn’t the things we had that made those memories so special, it was the person I shared them with. How could I be so blind?

“You know, the Greeks have this cool saying that goes along with that: Memento Mori, remember that you must die… and Memento Vivere, so remember to live. It means tomorrow isn’t promised so live every moment and stay in the present.”

I nod, “the Greeks were smart!”

“You think your customers wouldn’t find another insurance company if you weren’t there? They’d find one in five minutes. It’s not rocket science! The grass is always greener where you water it. If your primary focus is your business, your family will pay the price and vice versa. It’s why the Chinese created Yin and Yang, because everything in life is a balancing act.”

“I get it, it’s my fault. I already know that! Let’s have another drink shall we?” I point to the bartender and he retrieves two more tequila shots.

“So let me ask you, what would you do differently if you had the chance?”

“Easy,” I blurt, “I’d hire an associate to run the day-to-day aspects of my business and spend every possible moment showing the people I love, how much I do. Yeah the business would take a hit, but who cares? If it means keeping the people I love in my life and close to my heart, consider it done.” I slide one of the tequila shots over, and the stranger who now feels almost like a friend, makes a toast.

“Memento Mori, Memento vivere.”

“Memento Mori, Memento vivere,” I repeat. We clash the shots together and as the burning liquid hits the back of my tongue I…

~

“Have a holly, jolly Christmas, it’s the best time of the year…” blares from the alarm clock before I can hit snooze. I feel my wife grab my wrist about the time the door burst open. I barely have time to roll onto my back before Luxus is on the bed diving right into the narrow space between her mother and I.

“Woah, what?!?” I exclaim jumping from the bed.

“What’s wrong with Daddy?” my six year old babygirl asks.

“Did you have a strange dream? You better go get some coffee and wake up before it’s time to open presents silly.” The words coming from Trisha leave me wondering what is happening?

I rush to the kitchen to start some coffee. Dude, I was just in a bar drinking with a stranger. My wife is married to another man, my daughter is about to head to college… I ruined everything. With my head spinning I grab the cup of coffee as the Keurig finishes, and as I turn a note on the refrigerator whiteboard catches my eye.

Memento mori, memento vivere. Make the right choice this time, pal.

I run back into the bedroom, just as my phone begins to vibrate.

“Please tell me you’re not going…” Before she can finish I lift her into my arms and kiss her as passionately as I’d ever done.

“No, I'm not. AND starting tomorrow I’ll be hiring an assistant to take over the day-to-day, so I can spend more time with you guys.” The shock in her expression says it all, and before she can speak the door opens again revealing the cutest little six year old with shoes on the wrong feet and a bow hanging off her head. “I got this babe, get ready for the day,” I leaned over again and gave her another kiss, not that she needed it but I did.

We made cereal, and opened gifts, and when the bicycle was revealed we all got dressed and went outside to test it. It was cold, and learning to ride isn’t the easiest thing for a six year old, but there’s no place else I’d rather be. The smile on my wife and daughters face are the only things I really need. They’re what make me whole, what give me purpose, and what bring joy to the deepest recesses of my being. And as I carry that smiling, frozen, little girl through the doorway to find my wife holding mugs of warm cocoa with melted marshmallows atop. Luxus and I share a look and a smile, before she grabs my face and kisses me on the cheek. My little girl.

Trisha wraps Luxus in a warm blanket, and grabs another for us to share while I sneak off and return from the bedroom with the animated Grinch DVD. I light a fire in the fireplace before nestling up to my beautiful wife. Soon I find her hand under the soft blanket, and take it into mine. Moments later we have a six year old curled in our lap, The Grinch on the tv, hot cocoa in our mugs, and a fire blazing… Happy memories. I really am Home.