Escaping the Toxic

In my early twenties, I had been in an ‘off again, on again’ relationship over the course of a few years. For the most part, it was a pretty unhealthy relationship in a lot of ways. We had both come to the mutual agreement and understanding that we wanted different things and had very different ideas and concepts about what a relationship should be. However, there was a definite attraction and familiarity that continued to draw us back into each others’ presence.

This never ended up well, as feelings were always involved, and per the norm of our time together, we would have to part ways, sometimes for even weeks or months at a time, but would end up spending time together again, and toying with a relationship, and I always ended up hurt at the end of these lapses of time together, even if they had been unofficial and unlabeled as a relationship. This cycle continued until the time I was finally able to break free, and regain the self-restoration I needed, in order to not want to go back.

He had invited a lot of people over to his place for a viewing of a music video he had been working on and put together. Even though we weren’t together at the time, he guilted me into loaning him money to assist with his project, and coerced me into loaning him several items to use for the production. He had asked that I bring my laptop over for the viewing because he wasn’t sure how his set-up was going to work, and wanted to use it as a back-up if he needed it to play the video. I acquiesced, as usual and showed up excited to see what I had invested in, and willing to assist as needed, because that was who I was.

My first disappointment of the evening was when he proceeded to give out his ‘special thanks’ to various people in the room, for ‘believing in him’ and ‘helping him along the way’ and other such recognitions. However, even though I had been a huge support (financially and emotionally) for years, and especially with this specific project, and even brought my laptop and cables for him to show the video, he didn’t offer me any thanks or even mention my name, and really didn’t even acknowledge me all evening.

I was hurt, but tried not to let it bother me and moved on. There were lots of guests, food and other tomfoolery, and after a while, as things died down, I figured it was time to go. I didn’t really know a lot of the people, and wasn’t interested in hanging around any longer, so I just left, not even sure if I said goodbye.

I was almost home when I realized I had left my computer at his house. I knew that if I didn’t get it that night, I didn’t want to have to arrange time to meet him later to get it from him, and I needed it to work on homework, as I was taking classes at the time. So, I turned around and headed back.

When I arrived, there were only three or four people still there, but as soon as I walked in, I knew immediately why I had received the cold shoulder. I could tell by the look in his eyes, as he was standing next to another girl who had been present all evening. He didn’t have to say anything, and he hadn’t even looked in my direction, but I knew. He couldn’t have cared less if I had been there that evening, and this woman was the new focus of his attention.

We exchanged the standard pleasantries, I told him I had to come back for my computer, and he asked if I wanted to stay and hang out with the last of the crowd still present. I declined gathered my things and left.

I cried on the drive home, both very aware that I had no right to be hurt, as we weren’t together and I had no claim on him or his affection and at the same time completely crushed and hurt. I felt slighted by his behavior through the evening, which was pretty representative of a majority of our time together, and completely devastated because I felt like I knew it had to finally end. I needed this chapter of my life to be over.

That night when I got home, I closed myself into my closet, and told myself I wasn’t coming out until I had resolved my detachment from him. And that’s what I did. I prayed, and poured out my heart to God. I told him how hurt I was, and how I wanted to be free. While part of me wanted to cling to the familiarity and security of the past relationship, I told myself and God that I wanted to be done. I needed to scoop what was left of my desire to be with that man out of my heart, and be rid of it for good. And that’s exactly what God did. I have no idea how long I was in there, but when I came out, I was free. What had been hurt and broken, through prayer, weeping and the goodness of God, was restored. I was a new woman and was never even tempted to return to that source of despair in my life.

That situation was almost fifteen years ago, and I’ve never looked back at it wishing for something different to have occurred. Since then, I met my husband, got married to him, we’ve done lots of traveling, and have three beautiful children. Our life is far from perfect, and we have plenty of our own mountains we’ve had to climb, but we’ve done it together, even when we’re apart from each other, and I wouldn’t trade my healthy relationship for anything from the past.