Escaping the Friend Zone

There was a time in my life when I was just like you. I wanted to be more than a friend to the girl of my dreams. Every time I saw her, I felt my heart race, and it got harder to breathe. Seriously, it was something out of a movie: I was the short, nerdy, pudgy kid taking honors classes and she was the gorgeous, affable, popular girl next door that everybody loved. Think Steve Urkel and Laura Winslow. Doug Funnie and Patti Mayonnaise. Now maybe I’m a little biased, but I’m sure I wasn’t the only guy that had a crush on her; there were taller dudes, guys that weren’t taking the bus to school every day like me. Guys with their own cars and better clothes than me, bigger muscles and better personalities. The whole time I felt that she was out of my league. Even though I had no reason to believe that I would ever have a shot with her, I still thought it was possible because I had a secret weapon; I thought I had a chance because I was her friend. I figured if I just tried to be the best friend I could be, she would eventually come to appreciate me and decide to give me a chance.

Nothing could be further from the truth. If I had stayed on that path, I’d still be in the friend zone to this day. Still hoping that she might give me a second look or praying for the one day when she would realize how great a boyfriend I could be. I realized that if I wanted to get some results I was going to have to do something different. Knowing that you have to do something and actually knowing how to do it are two different things. My guess is if you’re reading this then you’ve already had this realization, and though you’re tired of being in this spot, you’re uncertain of what to do next. You don’t want to risk damaging all the work you’ve put in to be this close, but at the same time, you know something has to change. When I was going through this, I wished that there was someone I could ask, someone who had been through this and came out the other side. I did not have that luxury, but you do.

You are reading the words of someone who escaped the friend zone and actually went on a date with the girl.

I’m not telling you something I heard; I’m telling you something that I actually experienced, and I am giving you something that actually worked in real life. No cheesy rom-com plot, but a course of action based on what I lived, based on what I have discovered. You will get the advantage of all my failures and experiences without having to go through any of them. Now I am not implying any guarantees here; every situation is different, and I do not want anybody trying to sue me because things did not go the way they wanted. What I am telling you is that in my journey out of the friend zone I discovered some universal truths that I believe will help you to escape the friend zone. Some of what you read will be difficult to accept; most of it will be a challenge. It will not be easy, but if you stick with what you gain from these steps, I am certain that you can definitely escape the friend zone.

How I Did It

Everyone’s path out of the friend zone is different. My journey out of the friend zone involved a lot of introspection. I know it sounds deep, but in order to get to where I wanted to be, I had to understand where I really was. In my case, that required isolation and study. Fortunately, for me (and you) I had begun keeping a daily journal in high school; since the majority of my entries were about how I felt about her, it became a sort of road map to helping me navigate a course out of the friend zone. Even with nearly a decade of observations it wasn’t enough on its own.

Though reviewing my journals helped me to understand what the problem was, they offered little insight on how to change my situation. So I began to read and study books about strategy and human interactions. The Laws of Success, The Prince, The Art of War and How to Win Friends and Influence People were just a few of the texts that I started reading. Each one of them offered me a different perspective and gave me ideas that I hadn’t thought about before. This influx of new knowledge affected my entire approach and quite frankly if I hadn’t studied these books I can’t say if I would have been able to get the girl.

To be certain, there were a number of other steps that I had to take to complete the change, but changing my thinking was the hardest part. In reading these pieces, you can benefit from the years that I spent researching these books to incorporating the relevant pieces into my journey out of the friend zone. Even with this knowledge and all the insights that I’ve packed into this work, there is still one crucial detail that you must come to understand and accept before you can ever escape the friend zone.

From the time I was fourteen until shortly after my twenty-fourth birthday, I was in the friend zone with one woman. I did not stay there that long because I enjoyed it; I stayed because I felt trapped. To leave was to invalidate all the work I had done to that point; to stay was to mortgage any hope of future happiness I might have had. I know you know what I mean. If you ever want to unlock the door of the emotional prison that is the friend zone, then you will need to find the key. In these passages, I will do more than show you how to unlock the door; I am going to show you exactly how to make the person holding the key unlock it for you. That is right; I am going to show you how to make the person keeping you in the friend zone open the door and see you for who you really are!

Are We Really Just Friends?

In order for all of this to make sense, there’s some stuff you need to know. First off, I was deep in the friend zone. As far as hopes of a relationship, I was buried. Seriously. She felt comfortable sleeping in the same bed with me because she didn’t think I would try anything. She invited me to come over one Saturday night at 2 AM because she wanted to hang up new curtains and didn’t think that I would mind. (Who hangs curtains on a Saturday Night?!) If she needed me, I was usually there within five minutes. That is not an exaggeration; growing up, her parents’ house was less than two hundred feet away from my parents’ house. I could be out of the door, over the fence and at her front door in less than sixty seconds. The fact that I know that is part of a larger problem; we’ll talk more about it later. The point is if she needed me, I was there. It wasn’t totally one-sided, though; she had been a great friend since we were kids.

I am willing to bet that the two of you are “great friends”. I am also willing to bet that part of the reason you haven’t made a move or expressed your feelings is “you don’t want to jeopardize the friendship”. Sound familiar? I said the exact same things. Do you ever find yourself thinking she needs you to be there for her or she needs a friend like you? Do you stop what you are doing to answer her phone call, or immediately respond to her texts? Have you ever found yourself spending a whole day doing the things like holding her purse at the mall while she tries on dresses asks you what she should wear on a date with someone who’s not you? Do you feel like maybe one day she’ll see you as more than a friend if you just stay right here and keep showing her how great a person you are? There’s a common destructive thread in each of those thoughts; can you spot it?

It’s okay if those statements all look benign to you; I didn’t see a problem with them until I was a year into the process of trying to change my situation. Re-read that last paragraph one more time; did you see the issue? The problem is that I was only thinking about what she wanted or needed without giving any real thought to what I hoped to get out of the deal. It is easy to believe that you are simply being selfless, or that your devotion to her makes it okay to ignore your wants and needs, but it is not. One of the first things you will need to learn is how to be a little selfish. I know that seems counter-intuitive, but trust me on this one.

Understand what I am saying right here. I am not telling you to become a self-centered jerk or anything like that. What I am saying is that for a little while spend some time thinking about what you want and what is best for you and then act on that knowledge. If she texts you while you are watching a show and it is not a life or death emergency, wait until the show goes off to respond. I understand the urge to respond as soon as she speaks to you because you want to be attentive to her needs. What you must realize is your availability is having an unintended negative effect on your goals. In plain English-, you are showing her that she does not have to value your time and as a result, she is taking you for granted.

I know it sounds harsh. I was upset when I realized it, but it is true. We typically want what we cannot have, and we are predisposed to ignore things that we take for granted. We are hard-wired that way. Because she knows that you will be there, and she has no reason to believe that you are going anywhere, she does not pay you the attention that you desire. Don’t ask me why people are that way; it’s just human nature. However, just because it is our nature, does not mean we cannot do anything about it. If we learn how it works, then we can learn how to change it.

Quit Playing

I was watching my son and my nephew play with some toys. My nephew had an action figure that he had given some attention to before putting it down and going to play with toys on the other side of the room. My son saw the toy that my nephew had put on the floor and picked it up to play with it. My son barely got the toy in his hand before my nephew flew back across the room to grab it. My nephew claimed he was playing with the toy, even though he had clearly put it down and walked across the room. It is akin to what happens in the friend zone.

The majority of the time, she is convinced that you are going to stay exactly where she left you. It is not until someone comes along and sees something valuable in you that you become the most important person in the world. Maybe, all of a sudden she will tell you how great a friend you are and how much she misses having you around. It does not have to be a romantic interest that has your attention for her to want to spend more time with you; it just has to be something that takes your focus from her. She has to believe that you might not be where she left you. In order for that to work, you have to believe that you don’t have to stay where you find yourself today. I’m not sure if you’ve caught the trend that’s developing here, but you’re that much closer to beginning your escape from the friend zone. You may not believe what I’m about to tell you; I couldn’t believe it when I realized it, but it’s the truth.

Here’s the Secret

The biggest part of escaping the friend zone is realizing one crucial fact; you put yourself there! You read that right. You are the reason you are in the friend zone! At first, pass that may sound crazy, but if you really think about it, you know I am correct. That person isn’t causing you to have those feelings; there’s a good chance that they don’t even know how you feel. They aren’t making you drop everything to be at their beck and call; you’re doing that to try and show them how special you think they are. Your inamorata is not forcing you to go shoe shopping, hang drapes, debug her computer, or any of the ridiculous tasks that you find yourself doing-you are doing that by choice! You are doing everything by choice! In order to get out of the friend zone, you are going to have to examine why you are making the choices that you’ve made and then make better ones!

No matter how you spin it, the friend zone is a prison of your own creation. You’ve held the keys to your escape the whole time. I know you’re thinking I don’t really understand how you feel, or getting out of the friend zone is not that simple but believe me, it is. You have to decide that you aren’t going to be in the friend zone anymore. Until you can believe that you deserve better than the friend zone, you’re going to stay in the friend zone. Once you decide that you don’t want to be in the friend zone anymore, you’ll start making moves to walk out the door. The escape starts with you. When you’re ready to get out, that’s where these passages will come in handy. I can’t guarantee you’ll get the girl; I can guarantee that this system worked for me, and there is no reason to believe that it won’t work for you. It’s the simplest, easiest-to-follow program in the world. I promise you it is worth significantly more than whatever price I could put on it.

Walk Out of the Cell

The system that I used to escape the friend zone was simple- I just decided I was not going to stay there any longer. That’s it! In order to escape the friend zone, all you need to do is walk out of the door. Now, to be honest, there are a number of steps involved in escaping captivity. I have personally identified six that I’ll explain as we go forward. These six steps included:

• I started working on myself/placing value on myself.

• I stopped telling her everything

• I created distance between the two of us

• I stopped being readily available for her whims.

• I prepared myself to lose her.

• I started spending time with interested, interesting people.

I am sure there are one or two that you think are good ideas, one or two that you think might be a challenge and some that seem crazy to suggest. Before you write me off completely, take a moment and think about the results you have been getting up until now. I know it may not sound like what you would expect, and I understand the difficulty of trying to digest this information. I know what you’re going through, and I’m certain that I’ve felt some of what you’re feeling right now. I really do understand; experiencing each step of the process was even tougher. I survived it, and I am a better person now than I was going into it. If you are willing to try it, I believe the same thing is possible for you if you are willing to try. Your escape from or imprisonment in the friend zone is totally up to you; it just depends on how bad you want to change.

Keep an eye out for part two where we'll get into how to implement the strategies that are outlined here.