Emotional trauma of loss

One of the things that we need to realize after we have started into any kind of separation, trauma or loss, is that there will be changes, there will be things to sort through and things to deal with. Things will be different for you. Some people seem to stutter as they go through these changes, it is fairly normal. The worst thing you can do is think that this stutter is a problem, it's not, it's only a speed bump on your way to recovery. I was told once by a doctor I was seeing about my accident, and some post-traumatic stress I was dealing with, that I had gotten over the accident, but I had never gotten through it. It really hit me that this was the way I dealt with a lot of things. I shoved them back and made myself make it passed it. We do want to move past these things but if we are not getting through them then the fact that we got over really means nothing. Let me see if I can explain.

I was crushed, twisted, and split in half in a warehouse accident. I know it sounds awful and it was, but I was lucky. I made it through with only some twisted ribs and vertebrae, a slight concussion and some very angry muscles. All of this will heal, somewhat. I do have permanent damage that I will have deal with my whole life. In the separation process we deal with some things that will heal over time. Things that may cause the permanent damage, such as bankruptcy or the loss of items but eventually these physical things do subside, and we make it to the other side. This part of the process is almost a given as far as healing. We can see that it will work out. It is physical and touchable, calculatable. We get through it because we can process all of this in our brain.

During my accident I heard metal hitting and felt the shelf that crushed me push against me. All I could think of the whole time is that this was how I was going to die. Who was going to take care of my kids? I felt my head crushing against the windshield and my body being pulled apart. When the machine I was on started to pull out and the pressure was released I was afraid to breath. Afraid I couldn’t breathe but somehow, I stepped off and walked to the break table and sat down. I moved my fingers and toes, took a deep breath, and tried to convince myself I was alive. When I tried to tell people before all the things that had happened and what had gone through my head, I felt it all over again. It got to the point where I was afraid to tell people because I didn't want to feel it again. I came up with an abbreviated version of what happened so that I could tell the doctors, but I couldn’t describe the whole thing. It got to where I actually could not drive a car because every time the brakes were hit, or not hit, I could feel the pressure again. I could feel all the feelings I had during that accident. I was afraid to breathe. Afraid I would feel it again. I didn't want to deal with that. So, I forced myself to just push it back and not think about it. A doctor finally realized that I hadn't faced those fears. Instead, I had pushed them aside to deal with everyday life. This is emotional stress, the same kind we can experience going through separations. We push aside the emotional trauma of losing a part of lives and we don't get through it. We don't want to think about it. We don't want to cry anymore. We don't want to feel anymore. But what happens when we do this?

When we push away all this emotional stress and don't allow the pain to work through us and have its toll even for a moment, we are in a sense causing what could be called post-traumatic stress. It would be in effect the same kind of thing except the trauma that caused it was the loss of a relationship, or a partner. I seriously don't think this would hold up in court so please do not try to use that as an excuse. What we are going to try and do is find a way to help you deal with that emotion.

First, what we need to do is decide whether you are having any situations caused by this trauma, identify the areas that need help and then find a way to fix it. How do we do this?

If you are pushing it away, you may not even realize that you are so what we need to do is find out the answer to that question. Here is a list of things that may identify some post-separation emotional stress.

1. You can't seem to deal with small things, your temper flares easily.

2. Every time you start to have memory of what you lost you push it aside and try to block it out.

3. You’re making up reasons to be mad about what you’ve lost.

4. When people ask you how you are, you avoid the answer or simply answer fine and change the subject.

5. You don't talk at all about the situation, or you feel that there is a stigma connected to talking about it.

6. You’re still stuck in the denial or anger stage of your grieving process.

7. When you start to cry over something you make yourself stop.

8. You’re piling up relationship after relationship, can't seem to commit, or you commit too quickly, but can't seem to stop either.

These are some signs and there may be more. If you have any signs or would like to suggest some, please email me and I will get them posted, or leave them in the comments section below. You must be able to admit there is a situation before you can fix it.

Let’s start with simple ways to work through this. Identifying the problem is just one step. You've finally realized that you are not working through your emotional stress, what do you do now?

That’s not so simple, obviously, you didn't want to deal with it in the first place and that is how you got here. You need to sort of start all over because, like my doctor said, you got over but you didn't get through it. Instead of jumping or leap frogging the issue we are going to talk about it. Talk about it all the time, even to ourselves. Everything that is bugging us about anything that happened. I know this may be difficult at this point but the best way to start is to just start. You can even write it all down, sort of an order of events, and see where you seem to stumble or stutter. Find the speed bump. You can't deal with an issue until you figure out what it is. Don't stop anywhere even if you are stumbling or don't want to feel that moment again. Remember it. Bring it back up to the surface so we can work on getting it out.

Once you have done that and you know where the issues are then we can move onto how to remove the issue. Sometimes this takes professional help. If you feel that you need that then please find it or ask below or through email and I will do my best to help you find it. If you want to deal with it on your own here are some suggestions.

1. Talk about what the issue is. Tell someone else that you aren't dealing with this area well and you would like to talk it through. Write me and we can talk, or I can tell your story. There are probably other people going through the same issue that would like to know they are not alone.

2. If you start to cry, don't stop yourself. You are allowed. It doesn't matter how many times in your life you were told that it was nothing to cry over, it is. Crying is an emotional response to pain. Feel it, don't push it away or back somewhere to just have it come up again.

3. You are mad, you know you are mad, you have a right to be mad but then again, it's over. You don't have to be upset anymore; it, or they are gone. Get your anger out. You can try what I did with my daughter and her anger issues. Take some old papers or newspaper and tear it up and throw it in a trash can, burn it. With each piece say out loud why you are angry and then let it go when you throw it away. I know, easier said than done. But if it doesn't work the first time, do it again. Each time you will feel more of that anger letting go. Trust me, the relief you feel when it lets go is amazing.

4. If someone asks you how you are, don't just say "fine". Tell them how you really are. There are a lot of people who have experienced loss, they most likely have felt what you are feeling right now. Feel it, let it loose, but don't get stuck in their sympathy reaction. Let it help you heal, realize people understand and that you are not alone, then let it go.

5. Stop worrying about how people will feel when you say the word divorce, or talk about your situation, and just say it. Stop worrying about anything they may possibly say to you about it. You are, admit it and just say it.

6. If you are stuck somewhere in the grieving process you may want to consult a professional or get extra help. It is hard to identify the issues if you are not ready to the acceptance the next step yet. You must accept that you have loss before you can identify if you have any other issues from it.

7. If you are piling up relationship after relationship and can't seem to commit, or commit too easily, then you are probably carrying some excess baggage from the loss. There is so much pain that we do push inside, and not dealing with that pain and getting through it is what is causes a number of commitment issues. The fear of feeling it again is what is causing you not to commit. Whereas the need to feel what you had before again will cause you to commit too easily. Just like me and my post-traumatic stress, I didn't want to experience that again. Of course, we don't want to get hurt again, but I did survive right? It was a miracle that I did, but I did just the same. There were years of issues, but I worked through them, and I am now passed that part. You will work through this and get passed it too when you realize that each pain leads to learning. Learning leads to knowledge. That knowledge is now known as "what you want or don’t want in a relationship". Instead of approaching them as non-committal, or instant commitment, try looking at the relationship the same way you looked at this loss, in stages. Take one step at a time. Not everyone out there is your ex. You do deserve some commitment in your life, you are worth it. And vise versa, you don’t need to step into another relationship unhealed and cause more damage to yourself, or this person you care about. Healing your emotions and thought process is important.

Thank you for reading my article today. I have learned to work through things instead of getting over them and hopefully some of these tips will help you. Please do not be afraid to comment below and let people know you were here. If you have anything you would like to share you can email me at [email protected] or find me on my Facebook page, I will add it to one of my articles if you’d like so you can see just how many people are going through what you are. This is an area for people who are experiencing a loss and dealing with everything that goes along with it. We are all going through the same things, and this is a place to find each other.