embracing broken

In the future there are no meetings. No zoom calls, conference calls, agendas designed to fill time and space but not actually achieve anything. In fact in the future meetings have been outlawed and when citizens are found violating this mandate and abusing the laws of time and space they are subjected to an extremely heavy fine, public ridicule, and their name goes in to the book. That is the punishment dreaded most in the society of the future, for though it looks innocent- like a typical small black notebook- it is anything but. For you see your name in the book means one thing only and that is that you are no longer allowed into the upper echelons of society- echelons that are out of reach to most but all aspire to- the place where you no longer have to worry about the laws of time and space. The place where true freedom and beauty exist. The place where all access is controlled by the holder of the little black book. She alone is the ultimate creator of privilege and equally admired and feared by all. But this story is not about that space- this story is about me and how I came to be sitting in the living quarters of the holder of the black book sipping wine and lounging in the most comfortable chair I have ever sat in.

This is my story of chance mixed with a bit of fortitude and a dash of contempt because you see I was found guilty. My name was in the book; and now it is not and I am here in this lavish place.

It started innocently enough, three of us decided one evening after far too many cocktails, as it often happens, to change the world. I’d like to say I can’t remember whose idea it was originally but I know it was mine. I still remember my co-conspirators eyes go big and wide darting around to ensure no one could hear us as I slurred my proposal to my friends: that to achieve justice for all we must steal the book. We must burn it.

After their initial shock and fear, numbed by alcohol, faded we got to planning. The plan was a good one- detailed, creative, tangible. They would never see it coming. In our excitement and our self glorification of our intelligence, bravery , and whit we forgot we were surrounded by strangers. We forgot the woman with book has ears and eyes everywhere. We laughed, whisper shouted, and processed our plan to the very last detail drawing it out on our cocktail napkins, knowing we had it- that we would succeed- that the world would be changed and we would be lauded by all as protectors of our communities, of access, of equality as a whole. We stumbled out of the bar patting each other on the back for our brilliance and made our way to our respected homes with a plan to reconvene and activate our plan in 24 short hours. The last thing I remember that night is visions of grandeur, fame, and notoriety floating through my brain as I passed out into a deep drunken sleep.

I awoke to a cough the next morning. At first I thought I must be dreaming it but then it happened again, a sputtering dry cough coming from my left. The smell of pipe smoke inundated my senses and at one I froze- wide awake and knowing I was not alone. The man in my bedroom sighed as he saw me stir and callously said “I’m not sure what possessed you to do something so idiotic that I had to cancel my morning swim to be here. To deal with you” I jumped at the statement and it all came back to me. The bar, the napkins, the plan... filled with terror I turned to look at the man standing by my bedroom window. Not even bothering to look at me- I meant so little. I felt so small like a bug waiting to be stepped on. Seeing the bottom of the shoe get bigger and bigger as it drew closer with the murderer completely unaware of their impact.

He turned to look at me and we stared at each other for a moment, completely silent. “Your name is in the book now you know? What an idiot. A meeting, conspiring to overthrow the system, in public no less... I can’t believe I have to spend my valuable time dealing with you. Give me the napkins now” I wanted to fight, to say no, to stand up for the world I believed in but instead I froze. A swirling feeling started in my stomach and I began to retch feeling like I would vomit. I closed my eyes in shame, slowly dug into the pocket of my coat tossed hastily on to the bed beside me, gripped the napkins/the plan in every detail that I had delicately placed within, and reached my trembling hand out towards the man- my eyes still firmly shut so as to not have to watch myself perform this act of cowardice, of betrayal.

“At least you are smart enough not to fight- go back to sleep you idiot”. He put out his pipe and walked swiftly past me grabbing the plans as he went and just like that I knew my life was to be forever changed. He was gone before I was able to wrap my head around what had just happened, around what I had done without even one effort to resist.

That day went by in a cloud of uncertainty and remorse. I couldn’t face my friends, the world, myself. I needed a distraction and swiftly got up, showered the shame off my body, and began manically cleaning my small apartment. I scrubbed the corner of my closet, a place I had never even noticed before that sat covered in webs and grime, and contemplated how I now knew I would never leave this place. How my dreams were over before they began. How stupid was I? Thinking I of all people could do something so grand, so impactful. As I scrubbed muttering to myself I again heard that same dry cough coming from the other room. Startled- I jumped up so quickly I almost knocked myself out as my head slammed into the closet bar. “Idiot” I mumbled and cautiously made my way to the living room to receive my fate.

“Well idiot- apparently though what you did was beyond dumb your plan actually impressed the boss. She wants to see you. Get dressed.” The words hit me like a brick. What was happening? Was I in even more trouble than I thought? She wants to see me? Shakily I made my way back to my closet, picked out and donned my fanciest sweater, slacks, and hat and made my way back to the man without saying a word. He turned to walk briskly out the door and I followed knowing in my bones that I had no choice. That my fate was now sealed and was no longer my own. And now I am here. In the most comfortable chair I have ever sat in, drinking wine so smooth it feels like it has always been part of my body, waiting for her to arrive.

Though no one enters I suddenly hear a voice so close to me my entire body jerks in surprise. “You. You are here because I have invited you. You are here to make a choice. This is an opportunity given to very few. You must listen closely, you must decide now, and you must not ask any questions. Am I clear?” The voice is soft and oh so soothing while somehow also simultaneously terrifying and firm. “I I do, I do understand” I manage to stutter out as my eyes dart everywhere looking for the source of the voice. “I have an offer for you- one that would be wise for you to accept. Really one that you must accept." She laughed a soft quick laugh full of amusement at my predicament before continuing. "Your plan was cunning and may very well have accomplished its goal. That must not happen. That will never happen. You will now work for me, for all of what is crucial in our societal fabric really, to ensure it never does. I will give you ample resources to ensure your success- $20,000 to start, Frank with whom you are familiar to assist, a comfortable and spacious living arrangement and in return all I require is that you and your friends continue what you started. You must not tell them you are working for me. You must not let any plan come to fruition. And you must submit to me regularly at least one new way the book can be destroyed and/or stolen so we may enhance our protective systems. For this necessary contribution, after one year, I will remove your name from the book. I will give you your life back.” After what was only a moment but felt like an eternity of silence she again spoke. “Am I clear? Do you understand? Do you accept?”

She never voiced what would happen if I did not accept but it was beyond clear in her tone, manner, and the heaviness of the pause that what she was offering me was not actually a choice. That she kew that I would know that to refuse her would not just be unheard of but also a very dangerous thing to do. It was a mandate and one she was certain I understood. She was certain that my clearly weak soul would accept. Her question really nothing but a formality to ensure my compliance.

My heart was pounding so quickly at this point, my body covered in sweat, and the wine that I had been so enjoying seemed suddenly like such a horrible idea. Could I do this? Deceiving the people I care about most. How could I live with myself if I agreed to not only support this horrible corrupt system but also to ensure its survival at all costs? I was not perfect by any means but was I actually capable of this. Of betraying all that I love? My head was spinning with what if's and how's. Knowing I had little time to answer, I took another sip of wine in a transparent effort to stall. As I was contemplating my ability to make such a dishonorable commitment to this woman an image of myself began formulating in the back of my mind. The vision of myself as a person with stature- in a luxurious apartment, calling on my assistant and assigning him numerous tasks and duties... of one these days impressing this woman so much, this holder of the book, of power, of society.. that she lets me in. That my existence becomes that in which all aspire to- one of beauty free of the laws of time and space.

I did attempt internally, for just a brief moment to be honest, to justify ways that making such a decision could benifit the world, how it could be for a purpose, for the betterment of all. But I knew deep down as I was doing it that was an excerise in futility designed by my own brain to make me feel better. That image of myself grew bigger and bigger until I could touch it, I could taste it, and I could no longer deny my own selfish desires outweighed my honor. With both shame and certainty I slowly looked up, took a deep breath, calmed my shaking body, and firmly said “Yes, yes I agree.“