Eloise.

As I inhaled the morning's cool crisp air through my nose, the rise and fall of my chest made my anxieties fall back to the hidden chambers within my deepest self. "Just hit send, Eloise..." I sighed heavily. My fingers crippled up and my heart nearly stopped when at once I slammed my laptop shut without hitting send. Another story not submitted. Another tale not good enough to be told. This was something I had been used to for years, for I was my own worst critic. As I stretched out across my bed reaching in the top drawer of my hopelessly broken side table I pulled out an unlit cigarette. "You promised to quit, young lady.." I murmured repeating my now deceased grandmother, Nona. I struck a match I found mixed within the random nothings atop of my wooden deathtrap; and I lit the end of it knowing very damn well regardless of how she felt about the tobacco death wish she would have more likely joined me for our very first smoke of the day. The first drag has always been crap since she passed. Always. I tried to find words to make myself feel better about this morning's failures but without her I thought the way that I always have since she passed; a way that became second nature so I could survive the pain without her, mindlessly.

Finishing my cigarette, I rolled out of bed and stretched my sore body into being awake for the day. Today, felt like a nothing kind of day...or was it? I looked over at my Peanut's calendar and saw three red rings smothering today's date. If only I remembered what that was for? Suddenly my door pushed opened and in with a slump came a very old, arthritis ridden Isaac. He low meowed as if displeased that I, a lowly peasant has disturbed his royal highness as I hoisted him lovingly into my arms. I burrowed my face deep into his belly fur so that it tickled the inside of my nose, he smelled of dust and cat treats. "Excuse me sir, do you remember what day it is?" I mumbled with my face pressed against his tummy. "Merrow..." He snarled, at this point clearly annoyed. I released the prisoner onto his favorite window sill next to my bed. I chuckled at him once more and got ready.

Once I was mentally prepared and appropriately dressed I added my signature bee broach to the brim of my green tweed flat cap. I'm not quite sure if my signature combo belonged to my once sweet Nona and very timeless Pap, or if it had merely been two nothing's that happened to find it's place in the house and never seem to have left. Nona swore that's where half of this "crap" came from. As I made my way down the hallway from my room, I came to a stop in front of Nona's room. The door was ajar meaning that Isaac must've pushed his chunky self through it last night, most likely hoping Nona would've been on the other side of it. "You won't find her in there." I called to the cat, whom at this age of his life was most likely deaf and couldn't hear me. As I reached for the intricately embellished doorknob, a breeze blew from the cracked window in her room and brought a gust of scents out and under my nose. Tears welled in my eyes from the familiar scent of peppermints, lavender and of course, tobacco. As I tightened my grip around the door handle with a gentle shove the door pushed open and revealed Nona's sanctuary away from the world.

Nona's room was just as I remembered it; minus the thick layer of dust built from neglect over the years. "Damn.." I whispered in bewilderment. "How the the hell did Pap, sleep in all this damn yellow?.." I shook my head. Nona's room from top to bottom was drenched in different variants of yellow. As I looked at her blinding walls, I began to chuckle remembering how disappointed she was when Pap finally painted her room and she looked at him hands on her hips and said, "This is not my shade of yellow. It's simply not bright enough." The man went back to Mr. McCarthy's shop and picked the most blinding shade of yellow that he could find and brought it home. He did three coats, took Nona by the hands stuck her smack in the middle of the room and waited for her approval. "Ah, now this is a yellow...isn't it just blinding, Pap?" She smiled her "Hollywood" smile and swirled around the room whisking a very tired and a very cranky Pap around the room until the two fell to the floor in a fit of laughter over the ridiculous length Pap went to make her smile. The woman was his "Honey Queen", and Pap went to great lengths to let it be known that she and only she, always would be. I sighed as I made my way over to their bed, I instinctually pulled the plastic coverings that protected their bed for many years off and onto the floor. I climbed in from Pap's side and laid my head facing Nona's side. Pap's pillow smelled of exactly him. I inhaled and let his familiar scent take me back to when I was younger, to a much simpler time. Pap and I used to sit on our swing on the back porch while Nona's kitchen perfumes tempted our hunger from the window and we used to write stories together all snuggled up under the night sky. Pap was the one who showed me my gift and Nona was the one who loved and appreciated it.

I never knew my father and mother. All that I knew was that my father was a drunk and mother was the beloved daughter of my Nona and Pap. It was a couple weeks after I was born that my father killed my mother and in a desperate attempt to right his wrong he took his life the same day. No note, no explanation, he just left everyone in tears and confusion as to why. However, what was left was an infant baby girl locked under the bathroom sink crying in the darkness alone, probably wondering who would be the first to find her, if anyone would at all. Pap was the first face I saw after that incident, not that I remember. But, he told me as he made his way through the house he begged the Lord, that I was somewhere safe. His prayers answered as he heard my cry from under the sink and there I was wrapped tight in pink blankets safe and warm. It was obvious that I'd go to Pap and Nona to be raised although Nona told me, my father's parents didn't want to let me go that easy. How that all worked out? I'm not sure, because Nona and Pap never seem bothered enough to mention it. Pap and I were two peas in a pod from that tragic day forward.

As I scooted onto Nona's side of the bed I swiped my arm under her pillow for support, but as I did so I heard a soft thud hit the floor. "Great.." I scoffed. "What did I.." I trailed off and I looked over the edge of the bed and saw a thin yellow gift package with a white ribbon. Written in none other than Nona's handwriting was a small script that said, "To Our Eloise Love, Nona and Pap." My hands began to tremble as I picked up the package and started to open it. Out fell a small sleek black book, love radiated from it's cover, pages and bindings; and pierced my heart. As I peeled the slick black rubber band-like strap I opened up to the front page. There was an ink thumbprint smudged on the inside and inscription that read, "Just tell the damn story already... Love, Nona." Tears flooded down my face and began to soak parts of the book. Nona just had a way of knowing how hard I was on myself...and as if that was too much in the back of the book inside of it's hidden pocket was a picture of Pap and I, on our back porch writing stories. On the back of the photo in Pap's chicken scratch read, " To my Eloise, thank you for being the greatest story I ever told." My eyes gushed in comparison to Niagara Falls. As I stumbled out of the bed and made my way back to my room blinded by tears, I opened my laptop. My story that I have been working on, the one that haunted my dreams of not being good enough was before my tear stained eyes. I read it once, and I read it twice and for a third time I read it once more. Right at that moment in time I was one click away from changing my life. There was this writing competition that haunted me for weeks. You see, I gave up writing when Nona had passed. It had been years since I gave life to a character, but then this competition appeared as if a sign from the angels it was time to share my "gift." The grand prize winner of this competition would win $20,000.00; and writer's all over the world would come together for their shot at glory, but for me it was less about the money and more about sharing my gift of words to the world. A gift I spent years hiding away at Nona and Pap's house. A gift they always knew would change the world. I lifted my hand over the mouse and hovered the pointer over the word "submit." My mind raced and with one deep breath and all the love in world for myself to stop hiding away my talents I clicked the word I feared the most..."submit."

I went to bed that night with the hopes of falling to sleep but anxiety played sweet venom like a piper playing music of doubt throughout my mind. "Oh Eloise...do get over yourself..." I yawned as finally, I drifted off to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, my phone had over 80+ emails and notifications. I squinted at it half in disbelief but majority of squinting was because I was still tired from the emotion filled tsunami that struck me down the night before. As I opened my emails, notifications of my Vocal account blew up the entirety of my phone. I was so confused, I was actually a hit? Me? Eloise? When I clicked the last email I fell over in shock, disbelief wiped my tired face and I froze as I read from the company themselves that I, Eloise the fearful writer who thought herself never good enough had won the $20,000 writing competition. I began to cry as I ran down the hallway to my Nona's room. I dove into the fluffy bed head first scooped up my little black book in my hands and sobbed the hardest I have in years since they have been gone. "Nona....Pap..." I hoarsely called out loud. "I did it....Your little Eloise... did it." My tears swallowed any sentences that followed and from there at that moment I understood what I was to do with the winnings. I was to use it to create a beacon of light so bright in this world the broken would find it and become whole...how exactly would I do this? Not a damn clue, but at least at that moment I had money to start it and a heart that was brave enough thanks to my Nona, Pap and my little black book.