Divorce Saved Me

Ask me eight years ago if I would ever be thankful for my divorce, and I would say screw you. It was the most devastating time of my life. The end of a marriage felt like a death, and my world was forever changed.

Sure, I knew we were headed towards dooms day, but I never imagined the day that it would happen. Hearing my ex-husband tell me his heart was not with me and that he didn't love me anymore almost killed me.

Almost.

Now as I write this eight years later - I can actually say it saved me. Him leaving me gave me new life.

Divorce is no walk in the park. It's not to be taken lightly. I don't encourage anyone to just throw their hands up in the air and say - well, that was fun, time to sign the papers and call it quits.

It's completely devastating and changes the trajectory of your future. And yes, while I advocate that it will be for the better, because what other choice do we have - that doesn't take away the part that divorce just sucks.

Without a doubt, my divorce moved me into a better chapter. A new story that I could write for myself and feel good about.

A story without him.

I'm not the same woman I was eight years ago when we said I don't. Hell, I'm not the same woman I was on the day we said I do. Given the chance to sit down and talk to my ex-husband, he probably wouldn't recognize me.

The experiences that opened up for me after we said goodbye has been out of this world. And only because I allowed it to be better - not bitter. I didn't want divorce to make me a miserable victim. I didn't want to say my life was ruined.

It was actually just getting good.

There was a time I couldn't imagine any other man but him. Only his hugs, his kisses, and his hands to hold. Now I giggle at the idea that I've actually had better kisses, warmer hugs, and gentler hands.

What I thought I couldn't imagine - another person to love - I experienced and experienced oh so well.

Starting over from scratch was terrifying. I left everything behind and rebuilt from the bottom up. No furniture, car, or financial means. As a stay-at-home mom with no work experience, I had to start at an entry-level position.

Now I've surpassed beginner's, and my resume screams you should be proud. Working two jobs, long hours, learning new skills - it all pays off. You reap what you sow.

Letting go of the memories that once made sense felt like I was losing a part of myself. But that's just it - I did lose her. She's no longer here. That version of who I was does not belong in my story today. I laid her to rest with the man I used to love - with a man I used to know.

It gave me a chance to start over. To reevaluate what was important and go after what was truly meant for me. See, it wasn't him, he was not meant to be mine. My ex-husband is my ex for a reason. He didn't deserve me, nor did I deserve him.

We paid our dues, played our part, and finally said goodbye.

How funny, I just realized there is 'good' in goodbye. Yes, it was good to let him go.

Divorce is just the beginning if you allow it to be a brand new start. Once you get through the rubble of the pain, sadness, and anger - you enter the season of 'this is my story, and it's my best story yet'.

Divorce saved me.

Him saying I don't love you anymore was the best thing he could ever tell me. Because with that - he finally set me free.

It was the freefall into my happily ever after.

The freefall that no matter where my feet landed - I knew I would be ok.

Originally published on Medium on June 3, 2022.