Discovering the Rainbow Within

For years, fourteen to be exact, I was the “perfect” little girl. I kept my head down, grades up, and legs closed. I stayed in this small room that had been chosen and designed for me by everyone else, without any regard to me or my heart's desire. The room was quaint and cozy, so I just closed my eyes and covered my ears, that way I could not hear the screams of the girl within me that wanted to be set free. You see...she was the me that I was not ready to be, because I thought I had to be someone else to please everyone else. Little did I know...little did I know.

Picture this; a young eighth grader, just barely fourteen and still learning about herself. She sits with her friends in the gym during an assembly. Nothing seems out of the ordinary about this day, until it happens. This young girl starts playing around with one of her very pretty friends. Her friend is sticking her tongue out at her. She tells her friend to stop or she will bite her, not knowing what's going to happen. Her friend doesn't listen and does it again. Both the girls are surprised, when she proceeds to lightly bite the girl's tongue, and then they gently kiss. The kiss only lasts for a few moments, but it changed the young girl's life, as she knew it, forever. Oh, and yes, the young girl was me.

The feelings that exploded in me that day, were not those of a societal “normal” female. I didn't know how to react, but I wanted to understand what I was feeling. I always knew that girls were supposed to feel butterflies in their stomachs and tingling in their special places for guys. I knew it was possible for those feelings to happen for a girl, but I was not taught to accept that. If you know, you know. The internal fight was torture. Why was I feeling this way about her...about another female? I was straight. I was supposed to be straight. I wasn't supposed to like girls. This made my next 8 years of life very complicated.

I started high school with my first ever girlfriend. Of course, only my best friend knew this. I was happy and loved my girlfriend, but I was so deep in the closet that I couldn't find the door. If had been a snake, it could have bitten me twice. Her and I dated for months, before drama caused it to end. After that, I tried to be straight again, so sure that I had been experiencing basic curiosity. That is, however, until my second girlfriend. She was beautiful and perfect to me. She helped me accept that I liked women as I liked men. She was my bisexual awakening, haha. Little did I know that I was going to be facing another three awakenings later in life.

By the time high school was over, I had gone from straight to curious to straight to bi to straight again. I was a revolving door that just wanted to stop revolving. That's when I met my ex-husband and the door finally stopped revolving, at least for the next four years, After he and I finally separated, I went on to have relationships and relations with men and women that I cared about and connected with. It was my birth month, and I was going to be celebrating turning 22, my golden year. I wanted to celebrate it knowing who I was and who I wanted. This is when I met an amazing woman. She was so beautiful, She had this infectious laugh, intoxicating smile, and the most stunning eyes. She was my world. She helped me understand something about myself that I never noticed. I didn't care if a person was female or male. I didn't care what was in their pants or their gender identity. I just cared about who they were on the inside. Thanks to her, I was able to finally see who I was. I was a pansexual woman.

Sadly, my relationship with this woman did not last, for many reasons. After her, I went on to date cis guys, until I met my ex-fiancé. Yes, he was in fact a guy, but his body just didn't understand that little detail. Correct, my ex-fiancé is a trans man. I loved him and all that he was, but I was addicted to the madness that was our relationship. While with him, I learned more about myself. I did research and “experimented” until I realized that I was not only pansexual, but also polyamorous. I have a heart that respectfully loves many at the same time. I did learn that with communication, understanding, and consent, this kind of relationship is wonderful, fulfilling, and empowering.

Now, that was 3 out of 4 of my awakenings. My most recent and hopefully last, because I don't think I can handle another one, was when I was with my most recent ex-boyfriend. You see, he is demisexual. Now, I've heard of this, but never really understood until him. He taught me that it means there is no sexual desire or connection until a strong emotional bond has been formed. I thought this was a normal thing for everyone, but then I remembered that there is a such thing as one-night stands, haha. Being with him allowed me to fully grasp that I genuinely had never been with someone that I didn't have a strong bond or connection to. I was never able to even truly fathom a one-night stand, and the idea of being a booty-call irked my soul. It was a long need and helpful awakening, as were all the others.

So, it was a long 25 years for me. I had 4 awakenings within 11 years. I wasn't really ready for the storm that was awaiting me, but I am glad that I faced it. If I hadn't, I would never have found my rainbow.