A Hidden Pan

We all see coming out stories that are good, bad, and down right ugly. The ones where their friends and family accepted them and loved them unconditionally. The ones where they were told, “it's just a phase”, but then everyone comes around later on. Even the ones where they are disowned, belittled, etc. I love coming out stories, because they give me “main character” vibes when an LGBTQ+ member takes charge and moves on to have a great life despite the negative Nancy's and Ned's of the world. I want to see all types of stories. This is my story.

When I was growing up, my mother would always tell people to, “hate the sin, not the person” when it came to someone not being straight. She's not all that tolerable, in my opinion, but I still love her. As someone hearing this often, when I finally started finding interest in people, I told myself that I could only like guys. This didn't make me happy, but I just wanted my mother to love me and never hate any part of me. Although I never wanted to admit it, I grew up having a fear of being anything but straight.

Throughout elementary school, I never really had any interest in people, regardless of their sex. I figured this was just normal, seeing that I was so young. Once I made it to middle school, I finally started having attraction to guys, so I assumed I was straight. This didn't last long though, because I started having attraction to one of my close female friends. Let's call her M.

M and I would hang out sometimes during school, never really after though. She was really nice, fun, and attractive. I never noticed an attraction, until the end of 8th grade though. We had known each other for a bit, and I didn't know how to accept that I was beginning to like her. It wasn't until freshman year of high school, that I finally admitted my feelings to her and myself. We started dating and were in a long distance relationship, separate schools, for a few months. They were very happy months for me.

After M and I broke up, I tried to go back to liking only guys, so that I didn't have to be honest with myself or my mother. It didn't work. I was able to hide who I was from my mother, but I had to face the truth of the matter. I liked males and females. I thought I was bi, for all of high school. It wasn't until two years later that I learned the truth. I wasn't bi after-all; I was pan.

Most people think that being pan is just being a glorified bi, but that is not true. Pansexual has a definition of being sexually attracted to people despite their gender, where Bisexual has a definition of being sexually attracted not exclusively to people of one gender. So, I learned this, and realized that both romantically and sexually, I did not care what was between a person's legs or even their orientation, as long as they were a good person and loved me back.

While with my ex-fiancé, I went to visit my mother. I was informed that she had started telling people that I believed I was gay, because I was with someone that was FTM. My mother did not seem to accept who my fiancé was, and continued to call him a female. She even went as far as to invalidate him, which ticked me off. When I realized she'd been telling people that I thought I was gay, it was the last straw. I came out to her right then and there.

“I'm not gay, I'm pansexual. I like all genders” were my coming out words to her. I was not completely aware of the full definition at the time. She laughed at me. My own mother. She invalidated me, her daughter, and said, “So you're bi. There are only two genders”. She continued to laugh when I tried to correct her, so I left, I got home and cried. She didn't know it, but she really hurt me, to the point that I was terrified to come out to my father. I almost cried when I came out to him, but his reaction gave me faith again. “Are you happy? Are you safe? Then, that's all that matters to me.” are the words he spoke that will never fade from my memory.

Coming out is never easy. Whether your parents and friends are accepting, un-accepting, respectful or disrespectful, the fear is still likely to be there. After-all, we live in a society that looks down on us. It's very brave and strong of us, not to be privately ourselves, but to be openly ourselves.

For all the little gay-babies out there that are still trying to come out, if it is safe for you, then do it. It is very liberating. If it is not safe for you, wait. You shouldn't risk your safety, because there will come a time that it is safe for you to come out and be who you were born to be.