Disappear, come back better

Anything that costs you your peace of mind is too expensive.

There are times when the heart is uneasy, you are restless, and you paste a smile on your face but on the inner, you are fighting demons that you do not want to face. You know that once you start thinking over those things it will be like opening up Pandora’s box, that it will be like taking the scab off a wound and the pus and blood come gushing out in a flood. You know that you have kept these thoughts locked away for so long and you only look for the key to open slightly, put something else in, and quickly lock it again. Locking away, not for future reference, but in a bid to forget and never have to deal with them. Like they can shrivel and die because of the darkness, they will have no fresh air, so they will suffocate to death and you will never have to deal with them. Ever.

Your coping mechanism is great. I mean it has worked for years and years. However this one time you know that if you do not act fast it will unravel and you do not want to see the mayhem that will cause. You are scared to think about what may, or what can happen. You do not even want to fathom a guess as to what will happen if even a single thread to your well-knit way of life starts to unravel.

Madness,

confusion,

total disarray,

that is the stark opposite of the ordered busyness you are so accustomed to. You are used to juggling so many plates in the air and keeping them all in rhythm that if one of them doesn’t stay in rhythm it will cause you, the juggler, to lose focus and will go awry and not one single plate will survive.

You are the poster child for happiness and laughter, you are this strong, independent person who can slay anything in their path, nothing fazes you. You are such a free spirit, the one who does not care what anyone thinks of you. The person who is liberated enough to follow your desires and path, even when no one else understands why. You are the person that many say inspires them because of the passion and verve with which you dive into everything that you do.

Sometimes you sit back and wonder. Do they even know you? But wait, do you even know you? However, you don’t dwell on this too long as you do not want to go down that path. Maybe some other time, but not now. Maybe never. So you pack your bags and go. You go seek out a serene and beautiful place. A place that will soothe your soul. A place that will work its magic on you long enough for you to stay put and do what you need to do to feel normal. To fit in, no, to almost fit in, to be able to lurk at the border of normality, to seem like you are just a little outside the box. Yes the box, that one that everyone seems to fit in, that is everyone but you.

You know you will never be like everyone else, you know you are not replaceable and that is meant in the most humble way possible. You know that you refuse to be like a flower that is plucked for its beauty and then left to die. You were born to be wild, and like a wildflower, you are difficult to find and impossible to forget. You bloom out amongst the reeds and rocks, you bloom in isolation, your ideas are different and not palatable to most, they are wacky and wild, they are strange, they are weird but so you and suit you just right. You try to conform to at least not be too alien but it feels like the walls are pushing in on you, you can’t breathe, you are restless, you feel your spirit is being caged, you feel like the color is fast seeping out of everything so what do you do?

Once again, you Disappear and come back better.