Delusional

She believed in me in a way no one else ever has and probably ever will. Yet, I still betrayed her. Or at least I am right now. The worst part is she doesn’t even know and she still thinks that the two of us are going to grow old and have kids together. How do I tell her that I can no longer envision that...at least not with her. She falls more and more in love with me every day while I’m falling apart inside. She thinks I’m happy when nothing could be further from the truth.

Over the past year, I could feel myself slipping away and tripping up in how I treat her. When I screwed up I stopped apologizing. When I saw her cry it no longer bothered me...it actually started to annoy me. If I see a guy check her out I’m no longer jealous. And I can’t tell if she’s oblivious or if she’s just ignoring all of it.

So I begin packing my bags. It’ll be easier if I leave before she gets home.

The sound of the front door opening echoes through her house and she’s walking towards the room I’m in.

“Shit”, I mumble under my breath.

She makes her way into the room. She sees me packing my things and her face goes white.

My hands begin to shake. I should’ve known this was a bad idea. I was trying everything in my power to avoid this conversation but fucking karma is a bitch. Her eyes begin to water and my first thought is, “oh no...here comes the waterworks”. I have to actually stop myself from rolling my eyes. I mean God what is wrong with me? I should feel horrible. And I do, don’t get me wrong, but it’s all been building up for so long and I’m just so over it. Finally, she seems to concentrate and catch her breath.

She starts slowly as if she’s trying to find her voice, “Jamie...what are you doing?”

“Packing”, I respond like a jackass.

Her body slowly begins to shake.

“I see that you’re packing Jamie. I want to know why…”, she says calmly.

“Look...Katie...I honestly just don’t know what to say…”

“You don’t know what to say? YOU don’t know what to say? What do you want me to say, Jamie? Did you expect me not to come home today? Like I just want you to explain what’s going on”, she starts raising her voice at me.

“You want to know what’s going on. I already told you. I’m packing. I’m packing and I’m moving out. I’m moving away from you, away from this town, and away from everything that comes with it. I can’t do this anymore Katie. I feel nothing for you”, I say calmly.

She looks at me and she starts to laugh...wait no that can’t be right. She is though. She’s standing here staring me down and laughing.

“What’s so funny? I thought you’d be pissed,” I say to her.

She continues laughing.

“Katie, what the fuck is so funny?” I yell at her.

“Oh, Jamie...stop. You gotta stop,” she continues to laugh.

“I really don’t understand why you’re laughing about me literally packing up and leaving and not even telling you,” I say.

“Jamie. Contrary to what you believe I’m not an idiot. I know everything okay? I know that the past year you’ve been distant. I know you haven’t cared. You’ve rolled your eyes at me while I’ve cried for Christ’s sake,” she exclaims.

Now I’m the one confused.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything then?” I ask slightly irritated.

She looked up at the ceiling and the sadness seemed to wash over her and with tears in her eyes she said, “I knew it wasn’t worth it. You are not worth my time. I should’ve known two years ago when we started dating that you weren’t worth my time Jamie. I mean hell you’ve been in love with a different girl the whole time we’ve been together. I kept telling myself you weren’t. I kept lying to myself saying you’d get over her and fully invest yourself in me, but how could you? Anytime she drunkenly called or texted you mumbling sorry you fell head over heels again. So sorry Jamie if you wanted me to be mad. I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself for believing you’d ever change."

“How could you say that? Why would you think that? Just because I’d listen or read her texts doesn’t mean I never loved you. I loved you, Katie. I really did. I never loved her. She was a rebound after a breakup... You know that though. You know the story Katie,” I said starting to get upset.

“Jamie it’s okay. You don’t have to lie to me. Just please pack up your stuff and leave, okay? Don’t make this harder than it already is. You were in love with her and you still are. I told you I’m not stupid. You’re always stalking her online. Saving her posts for God knows what reason. I told you I don’t blame you. I blame myself for even letting myself get attached to you in the first place when it was so clear you cared about her,” she said as tears began to roll down her face.

There was silence.

“Jamie, please. Please leave. I can’t look at you anymore”, she said talking to the floor and not to me.

“Okay,” I said.

She looked up at me. “That’s it?” she asked.

“What do you mean is that it? You just accused me of loving someone else the entire time we were together and asked me to leave. I really don’t know what else you want me to say,” I say as I grab one of my bags to walk out the door with.

“So I’m right?” she asks.

“Katie I honestly don’t know. I mean yeah I had a crush on and yes sometimes I stalked her socials, but we were friends. Nothing else ever happened so I just don’t think it’s fair to say I loved her,” I tried to explain.

“You’re ridiculous! You are so delusional Jamie. My God, are you kidding me? You were so in love with her. And you still are might I add,” she started to get worked up again. Not so much sadness this time, but more or less she was getting defensive.

“Katie what the hell I just told you nothing ever happened between her and me. It’s hard to love someone when nothing transpired,” I continue defending myself.

“Yeah, and why did nothing ever come of it, Jamie? Was that your decision or hers?” she asked crossing her arms and popping out her hip in that "You know I'm right" stance.

I froze. “Why does it matter?” I asked.

“Delusional. You’re delusional. Case and point,” she said throwing her hands up into the air.

“Katie I’m not delusional,” I say.

“See there you go again,” she says throwing her arms back up.

“What are you talking about?” I ask her confused and defensive yet again.

“You can’t even admit it to yourself and you keep going around the question Jamie!” she screamed.

“What question? I’ve answered all your damn questions!” I scream back.

She took a deep breath. “Whose decision was it on why you and her didn’t work out Jamie? Was it your decision to just stay friends or was it hers?” She asked.

I stopped. She was right. God damn, she was right like always. I didn’t make that decision. I agreed to it, but I didn’t make it.

“That’s what I thought,” she said.

Then it hit me how much of an ass I’ve been to this girl. Poor Katie...actually this time too. I’ve strung her along for two damn years trying to convince myself and everyone else that I love her. Maybe part of me did...or does, but not the part that matters. It’s not the type of love that ever consumed me. It just wasn’t the right kind of love.

“Please get out of my house,” she said softly.

I gave her a nod. “Let me grab the rest of my stuff and I’ll be gone”, I say.

She walked out of the room. Tears streaked down her cheeks dragging her mascara along with them.

I finished gathering my things and slowly loaded my car up with two years worth of crap. After carrying the last bag out she followed behind me. She held her hand out and I took the key off my keyring and handed it to her.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered. This time I meant it too.

She just shrugged. There was mascara stained on her face, but she was trying to act tough. This was a new look for her.

“So what are you going to do about it?” she asked me.

“Do about what?” I asked and raised an eyebrow.

“About her dumbass”, she said rolling her eyes and shuffling her feet. I could see the tears beginning to form again.

I could tell she didn’t really want to know the answer. Even though it probably wasn’t what she was thinking, but I told her anyway.

“Nothing. I’m not going to do anything about it, Katie,” I say honestly.

“You’re kidding me? You just ended a two-year-long relationship to go and do NOTHING about the girl you actually have feelings for? That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard in my life,” she said smirking.

“She’s married now, Katie. I can’t do anything even if I wanted to,” I say shrugging.

“Nothing lasts forever Jamie. Tonight proves that…” she said looking me dead in the eyes.

“Well, you said it yourself. I’m delusional and it’s time I need to stop being like that. I can’t have her. And it’s clear that you and I aren’t going to work out so I need to move on. Or try my best to,” I say shrugging my shoulders and opening my car door.

She shook her head. “Whatever you say...goodbye Jamie. Try to do better, okay?” she said as she turned around and made her way back into the house. She shut the door behind her and I heard the locks.

I stood there for a while thinking about what she said. Maybe she was right. About all of it. Yeah, I’m delusional to think anything will happen between us.

I get in the car and beging to drive off trying to figure out where to go. Katie's voice echoes in my head, "Nothing lasts forever." And damn it she's right. So not knowing where to go turns into me driving and moving in to the same damn town that the girl I love is in. Maybe, just maybe, Katie will be right this time too and I'll just have to wait. Maybe...and maybe it's a waste of my time and I'm delusional, but I guess I'll just wait and find out. Patience is key.