Dear You

We’re coming up on our three year anniversary and I don’t know how else to get my point across. You won’t text me back, you pretend like I don’t exist, but I don’t blame you. How do I tell you that I miss cuddling with you? That I miss adventuring with you and cooking with you and that I miss watching our damn shows together? How do I tell you that I miss jumping up and down like a child on your bed when a good song comes on? That I miss the cute, little smirk that appears on your handsome face when I do something stupid? How do I tell you that I freaking miss your adorable, nerdy excitement about Star Wars? That I miss your family. How do I tell you that I miss you so goddamn much? I miss usso goddamn much. How do I tell you that there’s nothing that doesn’t remind me of you? How do I tell you that every song I hear, every movie I watch, every single thing I do has some connection to you and it kills me inside? There hasn’t been one day in the past five months that I haven’t thought of you. Every time something happens to me, good or bad, all I want to do is run and tell you.

I’m sorry for what I did and if it doesn’t seem like I'm all that sorry. I know you probably think I’m okay, but I’m far from it. I’ve been really trying to put up a good front, by going out and smiling for the camera, but nothing is working. I’m not sure if my façade is working or if everyone can see right through me, but I am so far from okay. I haven’t been okay for a very long time. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me, but I know that you know that I want to move past it because I love you. I want to be with you. I can’t stand being without you. Nothing feels right. Nothing works without you by my side. You were my best friend, you were my rock. You made everything so easy, so good, so happy. I don’t know what to do without you. Every time my mind wanders somewhere else, I’m constantly reminded of how good we had it, of how much I threw away. Life does not make sense without you in it.

You’ve told me that you don’t hate me, that you want to be with me in the future — except you’re not ready yet. I understand that it’s going to take time, but I can’t find it in myself to believe you. Maybe it’s my insecurities getting the best of me or maybe call it intuition because I know you better than I know myself. I know how quickly you get attached and how awful you are at letting others know how you truly feel. I’m scared that you’re going to push me so far to the back of your mind and search for someone else. Someone better. Someone who won’t hurt you the way I did. I feel like I am already just an old thought in your mind. I hate walking past you and acting as if we’re distant friends—as if we didn’t have three years of history.

I’m so sorry for ruining all that we had. I’m sorry that I pushed you away. I’m sorry if you’re already happy with someone else. You deserve to be with someone who isn’t confused, someone who isn’t lost. You deserve to be with someone who knows who they are and what they want—not someone who can’t make a decision on what they want to eat and can’t order for herself half of the time. You deserve to be happy. You deserve everything good in this world.

I want us to be okay, but I think I’ll take the hint. I’m a fool for thinking you would take me back, that you could still love me. If it’s meant to be, it will be—that’s what people keep telling me. I want us to be, but if we’re not, I wish you the best, I really do.

I love you, always.

Please don’t forget about me.