Dear Taylor Swift

Dear Taylor Swift 

Hello. My name is Navail and I am now 25 years old. I started writing this particular letter a little while ago, a few months back when I was going through the process of a lengthy psychiatric assessment for Autism, PTSD, and ADHD.

I am writing to you now, somewhat metaphorically. Somewhat, because I only understand metaphors when they apply to the past. The present and future kinda metaphors are confusing to me. Why? Because I’m autistic. I’m being cheeky saying that now, as my official assessment for diagnosis is tomorrow. But I know. When you know, you know right?

In 2006, you released the song titled Tim McGraw. You wrote about someone else, but I have followed you and your work from the very beginning and so I know, that that song was really about you. I’ve always wished that the way that you write about other people, someone wrote like that about you.

I’ve already had four songs written about me, I think one day you’ll hear them on the radio. They’re really good.

Update: there are a few more songs. You will definitely be hearing some of these one day. I know it in my bones ♥️

I can’t write songs right now, but I can write.

Anyway, I tried to find your pronouns, but all I found was this awesome video of you using pronouns interchangeably in your live performances. My little NB heart was overjoyed to see that.

Don’t even get me started on your latest album, folklore. What a masterpiece. I just can’t. Let’s not right now.

My pronouns are her/she/they/them. Like most things I do, I don’t truly understand the meaning behind what I’m doing or my own motivations and expected outcomes until after it’s done. Then I’m like, oooh so that’s what I was trying to do!

I’ll try to be more on topic from now on since you’re a busy person (probably?) and I can’t imagine the workload of what being Taylor Swift in 2020 is like.

All my life I have looked up to you. But not in the typical way. I have admired your facial expressions because they seem unique to me (I face some challenges with facial expressions). I have admired how you must have felt. I tried to put myself in your shoes (I do this a lot because I felt like I needed to mask my autism and so copied the people I admired most). Putting myself in your shoes felt oddly okay. Okay because it seemed to me like this is what you must also have to do, often hide how you’re truly feeling and wanting to act but could not because so many people were watching and judging. You’re perceived by the world as a white woman (I’m just saying what I know is common, I don’t mean to label you, I hate those too) and I am a brown, bisexual, non-binary and autistic 24 year old ?woman? But I didn’t know WHY I could relate to you so well. How you poured your emotions and feelings into songs. How you describe your songs to be snapshots of a particular moment or feeling or experience. How I feel like all my memories are like that too.

I’ve been thinking, and since I was little, the only thing I wasn’t copying or doing because other people were doing it was singing and dancing and acting. I did it every day. Whether people were watching or not. But soon, in my society, in my own home, I was othered. My mom told me to stop. My family told me to stop. My friends told me to stop. Sometimes with words, but mostly by non-verbal cues. I pick those up really quickly. It’s called hypervigilance and it’s really exhausting too. So I stopped. All of it. It made me stand out and I was so, so vulnerable. But I didn’t stop acting. I’ve had to act my whole life, just without direction.

Then I found you and your music. I still remember the first time I heard your voice. I downloaded your songs illegally. SORRY! I didn’t know that’s not how you’re supposed to do it back then! Now I pay for my streaming, I promise.

I have been lying all my life. Not directly because lying is physically very difficult for me and I often have a meltdown if I try to do that. But I’ve found my ways around it. I hide and swerve and jump in and out of my consciousness to keep from telling the truth.

The truth that I am autistic. That I am different in soooooo many ways. Where I grew up, it is still very unacceptable to be different. But here in the UK, and even in the US, I see some people trying to go backwards. Trying to reinstate othering. I know you’re doing your personal best to fight it. You’ve given me the courage to do it too.

But can we talk first about the internalised hatred? The internalised homophobia, the internationalised gender-phobia and the internalised ableism? I had so much of all of that, which is why it took so long to see my queer, non-binary, autistic self.

I didn’t plan to be this way. To be so harsh on myself. It is what was taught, rather forced, down my throat. Me, without all that, is actually a pretty chill person. I have a dog who acts a lot like a cat, a Japanese Shiba Inu. I think she’d agree.

You see how information in my head has no real order? Everything is equally important for me to impart upon you because really, I have no clue.

I love your attention to detail and your unconventional genius. You’re highly intelligent. These aren’t up for debate, these are facts. You are a beautiful human.

I know that the struggles I have watched you go through must only be the tip of the ice-burg as most of it is felt inside and not in front of cameras. So thank you for having some of that be public, so people like me could learn from you. Learn to push back and say NO! You don’t control who I am, you don’t control how I sing and you don’t control how much money I make and when.

I’ve also watched you struggle with friends. I know you must have some good people in your life, I do too. But for some reason, I still find it so hard to be close to people, especially people raised to be girls. They’ve never seemed to like me too much growing up.

Now, I’m not ever sure. I can’t tell anymore. But it’s okay, I know that I love them. That to me is enough knowledge.

Romantically, I’m not going to lie, I had some trouble because of you. Not because you did anything wrong, but because as you were learning how to love, I was learning with you. Through your songs. And some of them broke my heart a couple of times. I guess I needed that too. I idealised a lot of what you were describing in your older music, and I’m so SO glad we have learned (through your new music) how to be complete people without needing someone else to complete us (but it’s still lovely to be loved).

My dog’s name is Kyoto btw.

I’m feeling a bit overstimulated now, so I’ll have to return to writing this.

Hi, I’m back. It’s a couple days later.

I’m wearing a night shirt that is very on point for the colour scheme of your album Lover. I’m listening to it right now.

Yeah, I am autistic for sure. It is now official. All I can think about is the people who don’t have that agency. I am an international student in this country and currently, it would be impossible for me to get diagnosed under the NHS because my visa runs out before they would even be able to give me an appointment with a psychiatrist. So my family were kind enough to support me through a private diagnosis. It was hella expensive. And all they really did was diagnose me (there are not many resources at all for late-diagnosed adults) and you are kinda on your own. I am looking for a therapist who knows what autism looks like when it is not a white boy, aka all the other people in the world 🙄 seriously, we exist.

There’s so much sadness inside me that’s not mine. Does that make sense? It feels borrowed. Like, it’s from a younger me. But it’s no longer serving present me. It’s weighing so heavy. I just want to let go. So I’m going to therapy. Yes, thank you. I do know how great that is (because a positive response should be the only response to someone going to therapy).

Today: 28th May 2021

It has been a while since I added to this letter. Sometimes I start things and forget. Then I start doing others things. Forget those too. It’s symptomatic of ADHD.

I chose to write this letter to you, as I have done with many unsent letters in the past because there have been so many times in my life where I could not talk to anyone about my experience. So I talked to you. I wrote to you. I know you won’t mind ♥️

You have been a Special Interest of mine since that first illegal download of that first song. I was hooked. Still am!

Here is a picture I took of you from the nosebleeds, performing on your piano at the Reputation Tour in Wembley Stadium, the only time I have seen you in concert. My sister bought tickets for me and someone I no longer speak to. Being near you was strange. Because I could not contain my joy. But also, you were so far I didn’t want to let myself believe it was true. I don’t know how I feel about repeating this experience or if it will even be possible for me now that I know I am autistic. I don’t think I can ever put myself through the terror of sitting in the nosebleeds and squinting down at you with my (at the time) incorrect prescription contact lenses.

But I lie because I would 100% do it again. Now my stomach is queasy thinking about lies.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for helping me be me. I love you.

I’m going to end this letter now. I turned 25 yesterday and I did not think that was going to happen. I did not plan to make it to 25, I did not think I had the strength or the courage or the willpower. But I found the motivation. I just wanted to share that it is possible to push through even the worst beliefs you hold about yourself. One truly does have all the power. We love Beyonce and she says: “I’m a human being and I fall in love and sometimes I don’t have control of every situation.” Control is not power. Love is. If it’s not then I’m not sure what power is.

There has always been an invisible string tying you to my love of music. There always will be.

Love, Navail 💛