Dear Shame...

Dear Shame,

I see you

Like a shadow monster rearing up behind

every

good

thing

overshadowing my joy and my light

I feel you

Deep in the pit of my belly

and sometimes rising up into my chest and throat

and flushing my face

I hear you

In all of the messages that say

I’ll never be good enough

I don’t deserve

Just stay small so no one can hurt you

I know where you come from.

You’ve been around a very long time.

But like a comfy old blanket that has become threadbare

and is falling apart

It’s time to let you go

Time to transform you into something more useful

and effective

I’ve been so fucking angry at you

for so long

I’ve held onto you

despite knowing that you are not good for me

Like holding onto a destructive lover

who tells me that he is my protector

And, yet

hurts me more deeply than anyone else in my life

ever could

In fact

I think I have twisted you so deeply

into every fiber of my being

that I’m not quite sure what will happen if I let you go

Isn’t our greatest fear not that we are in adequate

but that we are powerful beyond measure?

At least according to Marianne Williamson

Who am I without you?

My dark twin flame

I think my greatest fear

is that I don’t know the answer to that question

Despite that

I have become acutely aware

that the pain of living with you

has become greater

than the fear of releasing you

Actually,

I don’t want to release you at all

I want to devour you

I want to eat you

and digest you

To feel you in my belly

in a different way

To keep the useful nutritious parts of you

The ones that were originally designed to keep me safe from pain

and I want to shit out the rest

The unnecessary, toxic bullshit that permeates my being

I am so terrified to do this my dark shadow lover

I’m so scared that I am not strong enough to ignore your pleas

to come back into my life, my body, my psyche

That you will beg and plead and that I will acquiesce

That I will ignore my own intuition and open my doors to you

But I’ve done it before

With a REAL lover

I can do it with you too

I just have to decide that I’m ready

That I can handle seeing my own light

and letting joy and pleasure permeate my body

mind

and spirit

That I am ready to surround myself with loving support

With healthy people

who can handle my light

who love my light

who encourage my light

So that I can breathe through the ones that can’t

with presence, awareness and strength

I am deciding

that I AM ready

That the risk is worth it

That I want

and deserve

an abundant life

filled with joy

and pleasure

AND pain

I want it all

and

I get a fucking have it all

You

Shame

Do not get to tell me otherwise

Your venom falls on deaf ears

I don’t hear you anymore

You have nothing useful or productive to say

I can love you

AND

set boundaries with you

I can love you

AND

release you at the same time

I relinquish any and all contracts

agreements

and commitments to you

I take back my own sovereignty

choice

and sense of peace from you

I dissolve your power over me

NOW

Of my own free will

I drink you and eat you to transform you

You are mine

You are part of me

But you do not own me

Never again!

I am whole.

I am safe.

I am aware.

I am a brilliant light.

I am free!