Dear Patriarchy

Dear society, Dear boys, Dear little girls who still have hopes and dreams, Dear women, Dear politicians, Dear anyone & everyone.

Ever since I was a little girl I was totally boy crazy. Growing up my mom would drop me off at my grandparents house before elementary school. My aunt was getting ready for high school in the mornings and I sat next to her getting ready, responding to all the boys she was texting:) so fun. So here from kindergarten I was already thinking about all the boys I wanted to text and date and tell fun stories about. I was wide eyed and hopeful. Like any little girl I couldn’t wait to grow up & have fun, and fall in love. In high school I wanted freedom and fun and I thought I would gain that from living crazy and wild. I had no sense of self preservation. It was so fun. Until it wasn’t.

Our culture of media and openness and comparison tries to convince us girls to be the “chill girl” or the “fun girl” the “wanted by boys, girl” This weighs on us. In order to be the “chill girl” you gotta learn to gaslight yourself. You’re feelings were hurt? Chill. Don’t let them know it got to you. You’re passionate about something different? Chill. Don’t be so out there & extra. You think no means no? Chill. It doesn’t. Don’t be dramatic. To be the fun girl you gotta learn to say yes to everything. You’re scared? Ignore your intuition and send it anyway. You don’t want to do this? Chill. Lower your standards or you’re boring and dramatic. Send it anyway. Don’t say no.

Even with while trying to avoid the pressures of society, how do you live in this world without being affected by it’s poison?

I was affected. By experience after experience. I learned that my naive hope and belief in finding love and happiness wasn’t just a sure thing.

‘Boys will be boys.’ We all grew up on that phrase. It excuses rowdy behavior, Making messes, fighting. It excuses avoiding responsibilities and causing damage. It excuses objectifying women and treating them as inferior. But chill. Remember boys will be boys.

As a young girl I heard “your husband won’t want an already chewed piece of gum” “a crumbled piece of paper” “a lollipop passed around the room”

As a young boy my brother never sat through any lesson even remotely similar. In fact if he didn’t want sex or to participate in objectifying girls he was obviously gay or a girl. (Both insults given in a derogatory sense)

Boys are not shot down when discussing the bodies of the girls they go to school with.

I’ve been taught in multiple settings, safety tips to avoid getting kidnapped or assaulted. How to hold my keys in the parking lot. How to walk with confidence and purpose, usually on the phone with someone. Self defense tips.

What are boys taught to do to avoid rape?

It’s taught so frequently yet we don’t believe it’s common?

Boys are taught they have be confident and dominating. (Which often translates to “take what you want, no matter what you have to do to get it.”) In the movies people don’t ask questions, they just go for it. And everyone is fine with it; happy about it actually.

Through experience after experience I still held onto the hope of that little girl who’d watch her aunt get ready for dates.

The dreamer in me wanting a beautiful, bright, star- strewn future. Then I hit another rock in my path. This one killed the hope that little girl was holding onto entirely. I’ll be looking for flint to start that fire with for a while. It killed a lot of parts of me. Truly I’ve been changed.

A boy took my childhood hopes and dreams and turned them into pain. He made a choice that I had no say in. He made a choice against my protests. He took away my choice so now everyone says it’s my choice how I’ll respond going forward. That’s some BS. It’s still not always my choice. They say I can choose to fight this and stand up for myself through reporting him. But there’s no choice in that. It’s a bunch of men asking victim blaming questions and telling me they’re still reviewing the case now 7 months later. They say I can choose my mindset and attitude, how I’ll let it affect me, but how can I choose when I have no choice over the triggers or ptsd flashbacks. I have no choice about the literal brain damage caused by the trauma. The brain damage that uses up serotonin too fast so I physically can’t feel happiness or peace on my own. It’s not my choice that now I don’t know how to have trust or security in even my friendships. It’s not my choice when life crashes down on me over and over. It’s not my choice to feel extreme anxiety and loneliness in the same social situations that used to fuel me with so much life and joy. It’s not my choice that I changed from an extrovert who thrived off of meeting new people and spending time in groups, staying active; to someone who has to fight to keep eye contact or continue a conversation past “hello.” To someone who would rather stay home with my few people rather than go out almost anywhere. It’s not my choice to feel nervous around every boy because I feel I can’t trust any of them. My choices didn’t lead to ANY of these consequences. Don’t get me wrong, I am choosing to fight. I am choosing to try and teach accountability. I am choosing to do everything I can to keep from collapsing, from drowning. I am choosing to help other people who’ve had so many of their choices and livelihood taken away. But let’s not mistake this for something as simple as choosing to have a good attitude through a tough situation.

Now I’ve been opened up to this whole world of outright sexism and injustice. A world where there are more laws to protect perpetrators then victims. A world where boys are so worried about being accused rather than about doing something that could hurt another person. A world where a man who raped his step daughter for months is getting the chance to get out of prison early to live with other children. A world where an entire family covers up for their relative after he sexually abused his daughter (who’s also their relative but apparently not worth protecting) A world where a girl is afraid to come forward about her assault because she doesn’t know how much title ix will protect her from honor code at school. A world where only 7 out of 1000 victims ever see justice. A world where a boy doesn’t even notice that the girl who’s body he’s using is crying. A world where we’re told we were asking for it in almost every situation even though by definition you can’t ask for rape. A world where if I look pretty, boys are nice to me, but if I don’t, boys are nice to my friends & yet either way they’ll still use us whether we want it or not bc they can. Boys will be boys. A world where a girl was told her case couldn’t be accepted because there wasn’t enough evidence even though she called him with the police and he admitted to hurting her. A world where they won’t accept my case because there’s not enough evidence, even though they won’t do any investigation. A world where people are getting commission to enforce parking tickets but we’re “grossly“ understaffed & underfunded for anything to do with victims of abuse, assault or rape. This is my world. This is our world. This is unacceptable and yet it just is.

Society failed me and I believe society failed my rapist as well. Our culture groomed him. It taught him. And now this legal system validates him. He doesn’t have consequences so what he did must not be wrong. Clearly I’m the crazy, dramatic one.

I’ve sat through countless lessons about self defense and protecting myself, however never once have I been taught anything about asking for, or giving consent. Girls have all been taught tons of ways to avoid being raped but boys are not being taught to avoid raping.

Literally. Fuck. The. Patriarchy.