Dear Life

Hello Life,

I have once again survived another year of insanity, 2020. lets start with the auditioned I attended for "The Voice", technically almost died from chasing my dream. Not to say I was the only person, but the second I had doubts about my talents, I should have turned around and went home. Too many signs that this was gonna get bad, and it did.

After standing outside for almost 2 or 3 hours of nonstop conversations and singing from others, being stood up by my now ex best friend ( and no she is not getting a second chance), Then go through the brutal anticipation of getting a good listener to hear my talented range, but to no avail. They tell me at the end that I am not what they are looking for.......... Wonderful, I almost froze to death trying to prove how they wont be disappointed, silly, silly me. Then I was betrayed by best friend #1 ( yes there is more than one) by accusation I dare not repeat to too many people , lost an aunt and cousin, but at least I got to sing in the same building as Dave Chappelle. I'm talking about the Kennedy Center in D.C, of course not at the same time, I had missed him by a whole year. But it was close enough for me to appreciate one of my favorite comedian. But after fateful day in March, everything just stopped. I was no longer participating with my Karaoke team, I was no longer outside everyday, and I had to be extra cautious if I wanted to step outside. wear a mask, stay 6 feet away from each, avoid getting into an argument with self entitled people, and pray everyday that my government doesn't push the nuke button because they refuse to fix earthly problem among others issues that is going on with the world. I was officially stuck, no where to go, hardly anyone to talk to because again, 2020.

But believe it or not, 2020 is not the year that broke me. After all the shenanigans that had literally been dump all at once, 2021................. bust through my damn door like I owed it money for Rent-A-Center. Actually it was more like 2020 2.0. The beginning of the year was some what decent, I had a car but that 20 year old glory finally said "i quit", and I sent her on her way (sorry her name was huneybunch and yes I spelled it like that on purpose), Then slowly start living my life again, I was outside, but my anxiety is always on 9000. Wondering who the next "karen" I have to cuss out, I wasn't as social as I was though, something really had kelp me from speaking to other people like I use to......oh right, I have Bipolar Disorder, some people just don't take that too kindly, not even my own government. They belittle people like me, African American woman who has a mental disability, Ha! she is useless, let her die somewhere, or at least that's what I think is going on. I cant work because of my mental state but, a lot of people believe that I can work because I am capable of other things like take care of myself, and my hygiene. I am basically a person that recognizes her mental illness, but because of that I am not considered disabled to some people.

Oh my goodness, I went off topic, my humbleness apologies. Anyway, Shit really hit the fan after my Birthday. The summer of 2021, is the year that broke (yea I know the year isn't over with yet). Now, remember when I said that there is more than one ex best friend? Meet ex best friend #2. I thought ExBF#1 was the worst. I only known her for two and a half years, and despite how she set me up for the worst case scenario, she was easy to get over. ExBF#2 on the other hand, 17 freaking years of friendship. ( Yes I am old, but not old enough to call me a senior citizen, although I beg the differ) sorry going off topic again. Anyway, #2 has a history of playing the victim in situations where she needed to take responsibility and accountability, but she was a master at manipulating what she wants in her life without paying for it. And she got my dumb ass. Its too many stories to tell in this entry, so i will only share my favorite part of this epic betrayal fail.

One night, I was about to start my "time of the month", and i had saved 7 pads because I knew that I would need them for the next couple of days and on top of that, I was planing to get more pads on payday, (yea times are tough), and when I saw the warning signs, I went to my bathroom closet and all I saw was one pad............ONE. Where the hell are my pads?. I know I have bipolar disorder and I know I have manic episode where I completely black out, but I know for sure I didn't use 6 pads for no reason. I had to use my one, then I had to put the puzzle together. I remembered that SHE, #2, came on hers a week before I did, even questioning the schedule of my own after I said to her that I was gonna be on right behind hers, the manipulation I was talking about. ( That made no scene, why would she question YOUR body..... I.K.R) It darned on me that she used my pads without telling me that she used the pads, was not going to replace MY pads; however, she made sure that she ordered a pizza and a soda for everyone. I Have never ever eating a pizza sooo angry, I could feel the cheese melting in my soul and not in a good way. I immediately had to plot to get her kicked out, and when I did, all the secrets spilled out. No, I'm not gonna be petty and spill the details in this story, as much as I want to.

There is a valuable lesson to be learned here. After I discovered all of ExBF#2 dirty and quite hurtful secrets, I told myself, Why? Yea she betrayed me and broke my heart in the worst way, but destroy her life? NAW, that's not me, I have no right to destroy a life like that, and I will allow time to heal and except that things change, even Best Friends too. I'm Gonna end my rant with a quote I always keep in mind. And just know that having the power to destroy lives, doesn't mean you use that power to your own advantages. Taking responsibility for myself, has been a very, very, very up and down adventure, Like my Bipolar conditions, and more importantly, LET IT GO.

"Our Deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure" -Marianne Williamson