Dear Holiday Drivers

Oh, Lord, it's the holiday season. I don't have the highest opinion on other drivers to begin with, but these last few weeks of the year, it seems they all get so very much worse. I used to think it was just the high tension I felt around this time that made them worse, but I've actually been in a pretty decent headspace the last few weeks, so… yeah, it's definitely them.

With that in mind, I wanted to pass along a few of what I thought were pretty obvious driving tips that might just keep you alive, will help your fellow drivers not have to burn energy yelling at you, and will let everyone get to their destinations more quickly, and safely.

It's a simple fucking order of execution- you get in the turn lane, then slow down, then turn. 

This should never go in any other order. Ever.

Don't ask me why, but already twice this week (and it's only Tuesday) I've encountered drivers who seemed to think they should come to a near-stop in the middle of the road in order to get in the turn lane before their turn. And there was no reason for it.

Look, the turn lane is there for a reason- it lets you get ready for your turn without holding up the rest of traffic. Kind of defeats the purpose when you decide to slow down traffic anyway, right? Seems silly that I have to tell people this, but there you are.

When turning from a single-lane to a multi-lane, you are LEGALLY OBLIGATED to turn into the closest lane.

I see this every fucking day. I live right off an intersection where there's only one turn lane but it goes into a four-lane (as in two lanes going each way) road. And every fucking day, someone decides, as they're turning left, "Oh, I need to be in the right lane (about a mile down the road); I'm going to go ahead and skip the left lane." Or else some asshole cuts me off when I'm turning left (with the light) and he's turning right (on red) by pulling into the left lane instead.

Friends and neighbors, that law exists for a very good reason- it prevents people from turning in front of oncoming traffic and possibly causing an accident. It also allows freer flows of traffic from multiple sides; when you pull this bonehead move, you're slowing everyone down, and putting your own stupid self at risk. And I'll be honest- if it was just your own moronic ass that could get hurt, I wouldn't care near so much. But you're putting others at risk too. As one of my favorite Facebook hosts likes to say, You need to do better.

For fuck's sake, PUT THE PHONE DOWN.

I don't care if your boss just texted you, or little Jimmy's asking if he can stay at his friend's house for dinner, or the absolute love of your life just texted that she's pregnant with your brother's kid and she's leaving you to run away with your sister-in-law… fucking put the fucking phone down before you kill someone. Or before someone decides to kill you.

I've been in many a near-miss with a dipshit driver who was looking at their phone. I don't know what they're doing, maybe texting, checking the weather, social media, picking a song, watching porn, what the fuck ever. Near every time, these drivers acted like I was in the wrong. Sorry, idiots galore, it's illegal to be doing that shit on your phone while you're driving. And, I assure you, if it weren't for my overall fear of how many people are out there driving without insurance, I'd have let so many of you smash into me and sued until the cows came home.

As I've said, I work out pretty regularly. Getting to my gym isn't that tough, but getting home from there, especially if I'm (as I usually do) swinging by the grocery on the way, can be a bitch. Have to make a left turn on quite possibly the busiest street in town. So you can imagine the usual wait time at the light I have to hit. Now imagine that light turns green, there are eight cars waiting, and I can see the very first car is occupied by some dingus who's looking at their phone and can't see that the light has changed. When they finally do, after we've been honking, they're like, Oh, yay, green light! and take off. Maybe a car or two behind them make it as well, and the other five or six of us have to wait another full rotation.

You'd better be glad we're not in Jersey, because, if we were, some of those drivers wouldn't be honking at you; they'd be getting out, slashing your tires and bashing in your windows. Much love for Jersey drivers.

Here's a heartbreaking story from out east that will hopefully wake someone up.

I'm not saying I'm a perfect driver; I've got a less-than-stellar history, though, thankfully, none of my incidents ever involved another person (at least not where I was at fault), and I haven't had a single incident at all in over eight years. What I am saying is just fucking learn some of the simplest laws out there and follow them, and you can make a difference in a lot of lives this holiday season. Maybe even in your own.