Dear Gianna

Q: "I work in a large company, and among my colleagues, there is one with whom I had a secret affair that lasted a few months. I knew he was married, but I wasn’t looking for anything serious with him, so I didn’t give it much importance. Unfortunately, his wife—who works in the same company but in a different department—found out and made a scene. I don’t feel guilty. I’m not the one in a committed relationship; he is the one who vowed fidelity to his wife, not me. So why have I been judged and even distanced by some colleagues if I’m single and have done nothing wrong?"

A: The age-old question: whose fault is it when someone cheats? Is it only the cheater’s, or does the lover also bear responsibility? Opinions on this matter vary, and I have my own, though I don’t claim it to be the absolute truth.

First of all, an important clarification: in my view, it makes no difference whether the cheater is a man or a woman. I’ve heard many women talk about female solidarity, saying that women shouldn’t "steal" each other’s husbands or act as "temptresses." I completely disagree with this interpretation. The gender of the cheater is irrelevant. I will speak about people, regardless of whether they are men or women.

Technically, what you say is correct: you never promised fidelity to anyone; he promised fidelity to his wife. He is the one who broke his word, not you. According to the definition of "betrayal"—which is "the violation of a moral or legal obligation or a given word"—you haven’t done anything wrong.

But does this absolve you from being complicit in the betrayal? In life, unless we have made a promise to someone, do we have no responsibility towards others?

In every situation, we have a choice. We are free to decide how to act. Sartre famously said, "Man is condemned to be free," meaning that we are entirely responsible for our own choices. There is no single, universal, and indisputable moral code—everything is subject to doubt and reconsideration. The issue of choice is also central to Kierkegaard’s philosophy, according to which an individual becomes who they are as a result of their choices.

In this situation, you were faced with a choice, and you chose the path of personal gratification: you wanted an affair, and you prioritised your own desires over the moral implications.

This does not mean you should be condemned, but you ask why some people hold you responsible.

I completely agree with Albert Einstein when he said, "The world is in greater danger from those who tolerate or encourage evil than from those who do evil."

Imagine witnessing someone being scammed on a bus—let's say a person is tricked into giving money to a con artist. If you do nothing, I wouldn’t consider you a person of noble spirit. Of course, it’s not your fault that the person was vulnerable to being scammed, and you didn’t promise to protect them from deceit. But morally, would you feel you had done the right thing by staying silent?

How you behave in every situation, the choices you make at every moment, determine who you are. If you are indifferent to the suffering of others, you are not an altruistic person. If you don’t put yourself in someone else’s shoes and try to spare them pain, you are not an empathetic person. If you feel no pity when faced with another’s suffering, you are not a compassionate person.

You have the freedom to choose how to behave in every situation, but you must accept that your choices define your essence. Let me explain what I mean by returning to Sartre: according to the philosopher, human nature does not exist—there is only subjectivity and individuality. "Man is nothing else but what he makes of himself," he wrote. We are the architects of our own destiny, responsible for every choice we make, both for ourselves and for others—not only because our choices have consequences for others but also because they set an example of behaviour.

Your choice—to have an affair—had a consequence: your lover’s wife suffered. And even though you had made no promises to her, by choosing to take an action that caused another person pain, you have defined yourself as someone lacking compassion, lacking empathy, and indifferent to the feelings of others.

He failed as a husband. In this situation, you failed to show empathy and compassion.

This might be why others are judging you, as they may feel that you lacked compassion for another human being, especially one who was hurt by your actions. Of course, we shouldn't forget that the main person who caused the suffering remains the husband, as he is the one who made a commitment to his wife.

In the future, continue making your own choices—you are in charge of them. If you choose to act with altruism and love for others, that’s great. If not, that’s also fine—it’s your life, live it as you wish. But be aware that in situations like this, it is impossible to say, "I have no responsibility."

I suggest these books:

- The Road Less Traveled

- Existentialism and Humanism

- The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love