Dear Gerve'

The judge removed his piercing eyes from me and focused his attention on the divorce decree before him. After a few moments of silence his voice echoed through the courtroom.

"Do you wish to return to your maiden name?"

"Yes, Your Honor." I said nervously.

I wasn't sure why this moment was causing me so much anxiety. I was excited to be there, I had been waiting for this day for months, years really. I guess after being with the same person day in and day out for 10 years and then all of sudden finding yourself alone with a child to raise causes your heart rate to increase and places that you didn't know could sweat start sweating. But I was happy. My best friend had come to support me, I looked fabulous standing there in my cream pencil skirt, matching blazer and peach lace camisole. My makeup was flawless and my hair was freshly styled, pinned up on one side. I was getting what I had prayed for, for so long. So why did I feel on the verge of a panic attack?

"Ms. Duboise..."

I heard my name being called. It was faint and muffled and for some reason I couldn't reply. My mouth was refusing to work, my palms were sweaty, I could hear my heart beating in my head and it was so loud. Why was it so loud?

"Ms. Gerve' Duboise"...

It seems like yesterday that I was standing there in that courtroom. It's been quite a while now... two years or so. I would think going through that horrible experience would teach me some type of lesson. I think I missed it though. Because here I am again standing at the end of yet another relationship.

I had met him about a month after my divorce was final. It was my birthday as a matter of fact. I was sitting at home, bored and alone. My daughter had gone to stay with her dad for the weekend. I was scrolling through my phone when a notification from one of those dating apps popped up. I had a new message. Intrigued, I opened the app to see who had messaged me and what exactly they had to say. I had seen some pretty strange messages from some pretty strange people. But this message was different.

"Hi. I see that we are in the same area. How was your day?"

Wow! I thought... a perfectly normal message. I messaged him back and we struck up multiple conversations over a few days when he gave me his phone number and requested that I texted him if I felt comfortable moving our communication off of the app. Of course, I texted and we exchanged photos and talked about our families. We got along famously and decided to meet each other in person.

We chose a neutral location on Saturday morning. A local coffee shop, that had a decent amount of traffic but not so much that it was distracting. It was the perfect setting for our first in person conversation. It was very well lit... loads of sunlight beaming through floor to ceiling windows. Casting just enough light on his face to see the honey brown flecks in his eyes. He was very nicely dressed and he smelled good. He wore glasses, had a close-cut beard and a gap between his front two teeth.

We talked for about an hour, he paid for my coffee, walked me to my car, and gave me the warmest hug I've ever had from a practical stranger. Things went pretty well... before I knew it, I was being invited over for the holidays with his family. I started spending entire weekends at his place. His house was amazing for a forty something bachelor without children. It was a 3 bedroom 3 bath split level with a 2-car garage and completely finished basement. I was not really impressed, just pleasantly surprised. We had similar taste. I would have chosen the same style home and that felt like some sort of sign from the universe that this is where I was supposed to be.

But after a while something felt off. Something just wasn't right. He spent less and less time talking to me, even when I was present in his home. We'd be there together for 2 or 3 days and all we talked about was what we were going to watch on TV. Then it was can you do me a favor here and do me a favor there. Then it was why don't you cook for me or can you help with the laundry? I started to feel like a personal assistant, or like I was a part of a job readiness program. He had no problem taking me around everybody he knew and making it sound like we were the perfect couple. He would introduce me as his "sugar momma". At first it was cute, but then it really irritated my entire insides. It took him longer and longer to return my texts and after a while he just stopped replying to me at all.

I didn't understand at all. What happened? What did I do? Maybe I should have cooked for him more, I don't know, we weren't married, just dating... so what the hell!?

I called him one afternoon to discuss what was happening with us. He answered and said he was "just finishing up eating" and would call me right back. Hours went by and no call. So, I texted again... "Are you still eating?" his reply was... "No, just about to lay down and call you." Three hours later, still no call.

I was completely done at this point. I had been through too much before and I had a child to raise. I didn't have time for this. So, I sent a nice and long text that ended...

"I can't do this anymore... Don't worry about calling me back."

Immediately following that lengthy text message, I felt relief, a sense of calm that I had never felt before following a breakup. I figured I had time to relish in the moment and settle into my return to singledom, again. He never replied to my text messages in a timely fashion. Why would this time be any different? My thought was interrupted by the sound of my text notification... Tick tick.

The sound that normally would evoke feelings of excitement and wonder was now causing my under arms to sweat. He couldn't have read it that fast. And he definitely couldn't have read it and replied that fast... right? I unlocked my phone and hesitantly looked to see who was texting me. It was him.

"There you go again... Per your request, I won't call you back. Do you want to drop off my garage opener or do you want me to come get it? Actually, just drop it off at an address around the corner from you. 8045 Ivy Chapel Lane."

He didn't push back... there was no argument. He was letting me go, just like that.

I didn't understand. I was so confused. Was he trying to push me away? Did I just give him what he wanted? He wanted to me to leave him, but why?

A few months later I received a call from his mother. She started off the conversation very pleasant, as she had always done before. But then her tone changed and her voice began to quiver. She told me that her son, the man I once loved and left had passed away. Her voice began to fade away and tears rolled down my face.

"Gerve' "

"Yes ma'am." I replied.

"I have something for you. Can you come by the house tomorrow evening?" she said.

I went to her home the next evening, as requested. She greeted me with a warm hug that reminded me so much of that handsome man with the honey brown flecks in his eyes. She escorted me to the living room and asked me to sit down. She handed me a thick envelope and asked me to open it.

Inside the envelope were three bound stacks of papers, a small black book, a leather pouch and a hand written letter. I immediately burst into tears and told her that I couldn't read any of these things and pleaded with her to just tell me what it all was.

She told me that her son had given that envelope to her before he passed and instructed her to give it to me once he was gone. In a nutshell, he had left me his house, his Mercedes, and all the money he had managed to save. He had put fifty thousand dollars in a trust for my daughter to go towards her college education, there was information for an account that contained another fifty thousand dollars that was strictly for the care of his parents to make sure they had everything they needed, and a check for twenty thousand dollars written to me for whatever my heart desired.

Inside the leather pouch, there were two sets of keys. One set to the house and the other to his car. The small book, at first glance, I believed was a journal so I left it in the envelope to read later. The hand written note simply said...

Dear Gerve',

I hope you know how much you meant to me. Please forgive me for pushing you away. I couldn't let you see me like this. Remember me always. I will love you beyond forever.

Colin

What happened after that is all a blur. Somehow, I made it back to my apartment. I placed the thick envelope on the leather couch he had purchased as a gift for me the previous Valentine's day. I got in the shower and tried to wash the entire day away. When the water ran cold, I pulled myself up from the floor, turned off the water and reached for my towel. I pulled the towel to my face and sobbed for what felt like hours.

I put on the nightgown that I had worn the last time I was at his house and remembered a time when we were there together, happy. I walked into the living room and grabbed the envelope. I removed the little black notebook and sat on the floor next to the couch. I opened the book and the first page was dated, November 12, 2018 and it read...

Dear Gerve'

Today I met you for the first time. We had coffee at that shop with all the windows...

I stopped reading and turned through the next couple pages. It was kept like a journal, but for every day that he saw me there was letter. At the top of each page was a date followed by... Dear Gerve'.