Dear Ex-Husband

YOU ARE A REMINDER! The unpleasant memory of a relationship I should have been cautious, patient and observant. My heart indulged in the beautiful tones of your voice, I allowed myself to get caught up. Caught up in the tales of fixing you, helping you, and loving you. I thought my love would heal you. I thought it would change you and make you nicer. The mood swings did not make things better. I allowed you to beat me with your sorrows, and I took it upon myself instead of walking away. I thought if I stayed and ‘proved’ myself to you. THAT YOU WOULD LOVE ME. BUT you did not. I do not blame you.. That is not something I wanted to do. I destroyed myself to love you, to give you strength. I hid behind a smile to prove that I was strong. But I was weak. When you would disappear. It left me with pieces I had to glue back together. I blocked out all the screaming I endured and pain to prove that I was happy. I lived in misery.

I think you picked me because I was trusting, innocent, and I did not understand how broken you were. I deserve better. We all deserve better. BUT I deserve love, respect, patience, kindness, passion, depth, and acceptance. I feel you wanted to do all those things, but you were unaware and stuck in your own darkness to focus on me. I do not think you could give. You only took. I lived a lie. It was not worth it. No one deserves to stay stuck in a relationship that is toxic. You’ll never see how toxic life is until you really breathe the fresh air. The saddest thing is to say goodbye. But sometimes it is healthy to do so. I held so much hate for you and denied myself closure. I have come to this reflection. I put all of my love into you, but not myself. And that is my fault.

I cannot live in the past. I have to learn from it. We all have to learn from it. Infatuation lives in illusion. Love can survive reality. I am glad I had you as an example of what not to look for. You left when I thought you would stay. You left when I needed you the most. I do not have obscene words for you. I honestly want to thank you. Thank you for teaching me a life lesson. Thank you for making me realize my worth as a person, as a woman. Thank you for making me strong. Thank you for leaving and helping me find myself.

Everything is a challenge. Challenges are encouraging. I have manifested on these terms on endless occasions. When I created the message it became bitter. But I can’t be spiteful forever. When you have not absolved those who have harmed you in the past, you twist your favor against the destiny. When you forgive, you can turn forward effortlessly. I discovered a time to ache. I recognized that sadness. Now, I surrender it. It’s a process. Weeping is a part of being mortal. I do not miss you. Suffering happens. I am content we have both proceeded on and understood from each other. I beseech you are successful in your direction. MY hope for you is that life becomes all you seek. That the dreams you manifest remain big and the uncertainties are minor. You should never bear further than you can control. I wish you fruitful vigor and contentment. I will not be resentful. I will not tolerate you to have that privilege. I cannot contribute to myself to loathe you. It was a pleasure knowing you.