Day 2 of 3 questions (7/5)

Yesterday's answers to the questions are hard... mostly because I can't share too much (detail-wise) out of safety concerns and privacy issues. But, I can share my background a bit more.

What did you learn about yourself?

So, safety plans are a permanent fixture in my life. For some obvious reasons, like my disability, but some not-so-well-known reasons too. Up until lately I had a terrible time following my safety plans.

All of the professionals say to trust the system, but when one has been through some of the stuff that I have been through? That is just really hard to do.

Trust does not come easy to me as I remember quite vividly a nurse choosing to break the law and how petrified I was to report it - even years later.

Trust does not come easy to me as I remember a psychiatrist telling me that I was a danger to society simply because I was schizophrenic.

Trust does not come easy to me as I remember how little I know about the system and how I was taught that the system is geared towards giving protection to the criminals, not to the innocents.

That being said, yesterday I was faced with a choice on whether or not to follow the safety plan. I chose to follow the safety plan.

That means that now, the system is in control of the outcome, not me.

For better or for worse, what is done is done and it wasn't my call to make.

It was simply my decision whether or not to follow the plan that I chose to ignore so many times before.

I am glad that when push came to shove, this time... this time I followed the safety plan. :-)

What exhausted you yesterday?

Following the safety plan was exhausting.

Maybe that will improve with practice, but as of yesterday? It was just emotionally exhausting, physically exhausting, and mentally exhausting.

I was always taught to not trust the system growing up and in my early adult years, the system did not necessarily prove my paternal figure wrong as a psychiatrist and social worker decided to betray my limited trust in those professions.

Since then, I have learned that not everyone in those professions are trustworthy... nor are they all untrustworthy. They are human after all.

The difficulty for me comes into play when I trust them with protecting the ones that I have come to realize that I can't protect alone.

Trusting Doctors, nurses, social workers, therapists, etc. to do their jobs while still acknowledging that they are only human and may not do everything right... is scary.

Letting go of control of the outcome of their choices? That is also scary and hard work for me. It is exhausting.

Letting go has never been my strongest point, but apparently God is sending me plenty of practice.

All I can do is keep following the plans laid out in front of me by people much smarter than I... and trust that He will not let the system fail the ones that I couldn't protect on my own.

What energized you yesterday?

The little things are what energized me yesterday.

Good friends who I trust with the details of what happens in my life.

Laughter after a hard day.

Hugging those who I care deeply for.

A campfire with s'mores (despite wood that didn't really want to burn).

It just continues to remind me that the little things in life are what truly matter to me in the long run.

The little things add up to be bigger things in the long run. :-)