An Open Letter to Him

It's a funny feeling, the one I get when someone just utterly shatters my heart. It's not really a wave. It's not really a slow creep either, though.

It took a moment for me to fully register what happened, and another to fully accept that it wasn't just some temporary fluke. That initial shock hit me like a brick though. And it turned to anger very quickly. And then the floodgates opened and the ugly crying started. The sobbing strangely didn't last too long, though. There were no more tears to fall anyway even though the feeling, the need, to cry didn't go away for quite a while.

And then the numbness hit.

It doesn't matter what I'm doing, how good my mood is, how busy I am. There will inevitably come a moment when it feels like everything just comes to a screeching halt and all I can think about when the world stops turning is you.

Why you left.

Why I wasn't good enough.

Why you treated me the way you did.

Why you chose that moment to do it.

Why you didn't even grace me with an explanation.

No matter what I do, I just can't think of a reason to justify your behavior. No matter what I come up with, I just can't bring myself to believe that you would intentionally do what you did.

And I just sit there, numb. No thoughts. No feelings. Just you, your general presence taking up my entire mind. The smile melts off my face. I can feel my shoulders slump. My whole demeanor changes in that moment. I can't even bring myself to cry. All I want to do is just stop existing.

I want to cry. I want to let the negativity out. I want to be angry. I want to hurt you. I want to be over you. I want to feel like I am in control of my life.

I don't want to feel weak anymore. I don't want to feel like I'm under your thumb, like if you were to come back I'd let you in, again.

You promised me that you would never do anything to ruin a second chance with me. You promised.

I guess it's my fault for believing you. I guess it's my fault for believing you were actually a good person. I guess it's my fault for wanting to see the good in you. I guess it's my fault for ignoring the red flags. I guess it's my fault for being too trusting. I guess it's my fault for being too lonely. I guess it's my fault for taking whatever I could get.

I don't want to sound like a cliche, but I guess the trash did take itself out.

Yet I'm still sitting here crying over a sad love song because of you.

I can't make you love me. That much is clear. But I never expected you to love me. I never asked you to love me. I never asked anything of you except that you don't make me feel stupid for giving you a second chance.

Which you promised you wouldn't do.

And unfortunately, I can't make my heart stop feeling something it does either. So I loved you while you never loved me. I gave you my all for nothing. And I did it knowing that those feelings would never be reciprocated.

I know, you know, we know you weren't down for forever and it's fine.

I know, you know, we know we weren't meant for each other and it's fine.

But if the world was ending

...

Would you love me for the hell of it?

I know you didn't love me. I know I wasn't anything more than just a fun time for you. But I stuck around anyway.

The more time went by, the more I figured I was just along for the ride and if I just found someone else along the way then I'd be ok.

I let myself believe you wouldn't hurt me again.

I thought I'd be ok with things ending. I thought I'd be ok because I'd found peace with you. I thought I'd be ok because you checked off too many of my deal breakers anyway. I thought I'd be ok.

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see

The love you don't feel when you're holding me

Morning will come and I'll do what's right

Just give me till then to give up this fight

And I will give up this fight

I just needed to reach the morning. I just needed to find the "right" time. I just couldn't let go. I was too afraid of losing you.

Look where that got me.

I wanted to be in control. I wanted to find the right time to end things. On my terms. We both knew you didn't want me anyway but you didn't even let me have that. You just walked away one day. No warning. No reason. No goodbye.

But I will still be the one to give up this fight. I may not have been the one to let you go, but I did let my heart go. Maybe it doesn't mean anything to you anymore, but I won't reach out first. I won't try to contact you. I won't try to get answers. I won't try to get your attention. I won't try to get you back. I won't sink low enough to reach out just to tell you what kind of scum you are to me. I won't give you the satisfaction of knowing you hurt me, of knowing you mean more to me than I ever meant to you. I won't try to get my heart back from you. I'll just cut that cord and build myself a new one. I'm tired of trying to pick the pieces back up because of you anyway.

I don't think I spent more than a year actually "with" you, all in all, but the pain I felt the first time you left has gone completely unrivaled. Absolutely wholly unrivaled. It took me over a year to get over you back then. And I wasn't even over you, I was just ok enough to start moving on. It took me more than a year to be able to think about you without that deep cutting sadness. It took me over a year to be able to even look at another guy without immediately comparing him to you. It took me over a year to feel anything other than that overwhelmingly depressive numbness again.

I genuinely hate that you're putting me through that again now.

I hope that one day you read this, though. I hope that you think about me and you wonder how I'm doing. I hope that my memory never fades in your mind. I hope that one day you come across me somewhere and I get to see the look in your eyes when you realize what you let go. I hope every single mistake comes back to haunt you.

Because for once I would like to see karma work her magic.

And honestly, if that makes me a bad person too, I'm ok with that. I should be allowed to want reciprocation. I've taken enough of your bull, I think I deserve to wish half that pain on you in return.