Dating Isn’t About Optimization

In a world obsessed with efficiency and "perfect matches," dating has become something more akin to a numbers game. The algorithms, the swipe-lefts, the filters – they’ve all been designed to help us find the "best" possible partner in the shortest amount of time. The problem? We’ve lost sight of what dating is really about: tolerance, compromise, and the messy, human process of getting to know someone.

We’ve all been there – creating the perfect dating profile, crafting the ideal list of must-haves and deal-breakers, and trying to match with someone who checks all the boxes. It’s a common approach, and it’s backed by the logic of efficiency. After all, why spend time on someone who doesn’t meet your criteria, right? Yet, this approach leaves out the one element of human relationships that makes them most meaningful: the ability to tolerate imperfection.

The Illusion of the Perfect Match

The idea of a perfect match is seductive. It promises that if we just wait long enough, swipe enough times, and filter out enough "wrong" people, we’ll find someone who fits all our needs. We’ve been sold on the notion that there’s a soulmate out there, just waiting to fit into our lives seamlessly. But the truth is, even the best relationships require work. They require tolerance.

Tolerance isn't about accepting anything that comes your way without question; it's about learning to embrace the differences, quirks, and flaws of the person standing in front of you. It's about understanding that no one can meet all your needs all the time, and that’s okay. A real relationship is never about optimization – it’s about understanding, patience, and learning to grow together, even when things aren’t perfect.

The Problem With Over-Optimization

When we approach dating like a spreadsheet – filtering out everyone who doesn’t meet our set of criteria – we miss out on the potential to build something real. We might be overlooking people who could be amazing partners simply because they don’t meet our idealized version of perfection. After all, what does a "perfect match" really mean? Someone who likes all the same movies, shares your love of hiking, and agrees on every major life decision? Sure, that sounds nice on paper, but that doesn’t necessarily lead to a meaningful, long-lasting relationship.

Over-optimization in dating can also lead to shallow connections. We might think we’re being picky, but in reality, we’re just limiting ourselves. We’re setting up our expectations so high that no one can possibly meet them. We’re measuring compatibility by the wrong standards, like career success, social media influence, or looks, instead of focusing on the deeper, more important things – like how someone treats you, how they make you feel, and whether you can laugh together when life gets tough.

Learning to Tolerate

Tolerance, in the context of relationships, means understanding that not everyone will check every box on your list. It means accepting that the person across from you may not have the same interests or views as you, but that doesn’t mean they’re not worth investing in. Tolerance doesn’t mean settling – it means being open to the idea that a successful relationship is built on mutual respect, understanding, and the ability to work through challenges together.

In fact, tolerance often leads to deeper connections. When you embrace a person’s imperfections, you start to see them for who they truly are, not just as a collection of desirable traits. It’s in the flaws that the real beauty of a relationship is often found – in the moments of vulnerability, the awkward silences, and the compromises that are made along the way. These are the moments that make relationships authentic and meaningful.

The Reality of Modern Dating

As much as we’d like to believe that modern dating apps offer us a shortcut to finding the ideal partner, the truth is that they often leave us feeling more disconnected than ever. We spend hours scrolling through profiles, swiping left and right, looking for someone who seems just right. But all of this searching often leads to a deeper sense of dissatisfaction because we’re focused on optimization rather than connection.

Instead of obsessing over a checklist of traits or career achievements, try shifting your focus. Start thinking about the person’s character, their values, and how they treat others. Is there mutual respect? Can you laugh together? Can you communicate openly, even when it’s uncomfortable? These are the qualities that truly matter in the long run.

Dating Is a Journey, Not a Formula

In the end, dating isn’t about optimization. It’s about tolerance. It’s about accepting people for who they are, not just for what they can offer you. It’s about letting go of the notion that there’s a perfect match and embracing the beauty of imperfection. When we stop trying to force-fit people into an ideal mold and start allowing them to show up as they truly are, that’s when real connections are made.

So, the next time you swipe, don’t just look for someone who checks all the boxes. Look for someone who makes you feel seen, heard, and valued – even if they don’t fit your "perfect" profile. You might just find that the relationships worth having are the ones that require a little bit of tolerance, patience, and vulnerability. And maybe, just maybe, that’s the kind of connection that lasts.