Dating advice for the Dumb..

Here's how it usually goes, you aren't looking for anything and then you find this amazing creature. If she is the kind of woman you want, she is going to be a little oblivous, it's not because of you, her world is probably just so complicated she isn't thinking anyone notices her. She is probably deep in thought about how to fix it all.

How do you get her attention..I know because I am that girl. She isn't ignoring you, she doesn't doesn't think anyone notices her, or ever listens to her. So she is trying to figure it all out herself. She probably has a million male friends, she isn't sleeping with.

The best thing you can do, be the guy that she needs. She needs someone who will support her dreams. You aren't friendzoning yourself. For a friend, she will take a phone call at 0200 and protect their life. For the man who she loves she will protect everything he holds dear, his babies, his whole world.

So she said you were cute or sweet. Cute doesn't mean much to her. Sweet will stop her world in it's tracks. She needs the man who will fight her battles where she can't and won't ask. The man who won't be silent when she is hurting. Maybe he can't replace everything or undo every thing that ever happened to her but you sure as hell want to. If she offers to buy you coffee, or return the kindness you have shown her..that is her way of telling you matter. She will open a door for you, ask about your day and want to be part of your whole world.

What she needs is someone to tell her she matters, to show her you aren't the guy that destroyed her life. If she is making progress towards her dreams, do something for her. Even if it is kills you, she needs yo hear how your world changed the moment you saw her. How you have to make her a part of everything you hold dear.

So she's smart. It is nothing you need to be afraid of. She could be a genius but that heart of hers..and she probably has a mouth that can cut you to the core when you hurt her. It doesn't mean she would ever do anything to hurt you, it means you pushed one button too many. Give her a day or two and bring her a Starbucks. I have literally told lawyers to get out of my office as a probation officer merely just meaning I didn't have time to deal with the 5 minute conversation you are going to make into 30 minutes because you just want to talk to her. That lawyer left a message on my Iphone at midnight that I didn't listen to for two days because I had so much going on. That message was "Are you mad at me? What did I do ..I'm sorry." When I heard that message my heart sank. This was my friend. I hadn't meant to dismiss him. I literally if he would have listened to the tone in my voice he would have heard the smile in it. I had to make sure we were okay. I had no idea like I always do he was in love with me. I didn't know that for a very long time..He was always work bestie. I always had his back in court to keep his cases for being kicked out on a technicality of an address. To this day, despite needing his help more than anything, him turning his back on me except for a single Facebook message over a year ago..I could destroy his life for it. I can't. For several reasons, I loved him, any man I have ever loved I can't bear to hurt. Even in the worst moments of my life I can't do anything but protect their secrets, their lives because they were the men I always went to when I couldn't solve something. They just did. I would figure it out later. I was always their confidante, their best friend and they could never bear for me to hurt, they couldn't even stand to hear the tone I get in my voice when my heart hurts. It was never on purpose they just knew I don't cry over anything except when I can't bear the pain anymore. I have heard them cry when we stopped talking, not because I choose this but as much as loved them I could not stand the thought of them destroying everything for me even if they didn't care or hadn't thought about it.

That strong woman, she needs you to notice her. To say hi, to not make her feel like all she is good for is to take care of you. When she feels like that she pulls away. Not in a power move, but because she can't bear to be the one who hurt you. She would rather pull away than hurt you anymore.

She needs you to fight for her. You don't have to protect her, except from physical harm. You have to trust her, you don't know what she is dealing with alone and she isn't going to tell you. You will see her do anything to protect you from her pain. You want to make it better, spoil her. Maybe it is taking her to dinner when she isn't expecting it, or going with her to get her nails done and not letting her pay for it. When she says thank you, she is saying-oh my isn't he so sweet. You can't make her decisions for her. She is always going to seem more complicated than she really is to you. She will do anything, anything to protect her family and friends and the struggle she has inside you will never see.

She doesn't need a surrogate father, she's a grown woman. She needs a partner not another obstacle. She will never stop trying to make the world safe for your daughters. She will make sure you are taken care of - that's her way of saying I love you. She needs to be reminded what she is worth, that you couldn't live without her. Yes, she may not realize that you are trying to say, she won't let you make her into someone she isn't. She can't because she is who she is for better or worse. She needs to hear she is your world. She needs you to know her, to pay attention to what makes her world spin. If she starts to shut down, something is wrong. She will hide every piece of what is making it hurt, because she doesn't want you to hurt.

You have to trust her. She knows what and who can help her. You can't hide her away from other guys, she isn't trying to go home with them, she just needs them to help right the world.

She will seem like the most complicated creature you have ever met. She isn't. She has a complicated world she has to navigate. Don't test her heart in the process. It's one more thing, one more burden , one more puzzle to solve when all she has time for is finding answers.

She knows you better than you think, she's the unicorn. She has this amazing heart and it will always rule her choices. Buy her a book that will be something she never forgets. Give her something she won't do for herself.

Guys .. the more you care the dumber you get. That's when you fuck it up. It is possible for her to be strong independent woman and still need you. She needs you to be strong when she is weak, to be her rock, not make her crumble. She will never put you in a mini van, she will always tell you when she is wrong- don't rub it in. I have seen so many men instantly turn into the dumbest motherfuckers on earth the minute a woman lets a man in her life. She might think you are sweeter than her coffee, but when you go silent..she is mentally filling in a conversation- and it's never something good. She is assuming and imagining the worst. The quieter you get in your stubbornness the more she is going to hurt from the silence. She will always need to hear you call her baby girl, when you stop she notices. And it will break her heart into pieces. She will try to get you to tell her but at a certain point she will just let you be. Know that her silence is not acceptance, it's her not knowing what to do, how to get you to tell her so it can be fixed.

The best advice I can give you. Don't hurt her to begin with. If you do..fix what you broke. If you can't figure out how to fix it, don't just pretend you didn't break it. If you always make her be the one to start anything, conversations, signs of affection, she will feel like she is a chore. If you touch her she can feel if you love her or if you just want to have sex with her. If you talk down to her, that becomes her inner voice. If you break her heart into pieces all she can think of is how to leave.

Real men love deeply. Real men fix what other men broke, they don't stand by and watch her hurt. They don't push her buttons. They don't twist her heart into a million pieces. They sweep up the pieces and glue them back together. They stand up for her where no man has. They back her play, because she has every ones best interest at heart. They turn on the ones that didn't do and make her dreams come true. They don't take away privileges they keep their word. They don't let her carry the burden.

I am just going to say this .. so you will have to get over it. Hurt her and she will never forget. Do what hasn't been done. She will always have a choice, she will always try, encourage her, help her. More pain is not motivation, she needs you to be the man who won't do to her what has been done. If you appreciate her, she will trust you. She will always have your back. Turn on her and you become like everyone else. She probably won't tell you..but I will you are an asshole. She doesn't need that. She needs you to love her fiercely and make sure she has everything she needs and every way to do what she needs to , even if you don't like it. How you lose her is distance, silence and causing her turmoil. You will never find a woman who will be your biggest fan, if you have her back and do for her. A woman like that, she will rage thunderstorms in her heart and be as vicious as needed to protect you. Don't make it harder. Don't take away everything she holds dear, because then you are just another person who who won't help her.

In August of 2020, I had to stand up for the man who essentially put me in Brookhaven to end up getting raped. I hate him with a passion of a thousand suns, I also despise the man who has for years threatened his life, my father. That day, a man I don't know but for a connection on LinkedIn told me I had to do what I already knew I had to. This amazing man, a federal agent apologized to me. Not because I had done something wrong but because I had to do something no woman should have to do.. try to get someone to protect the man who helped destroy my entire life and because of his corruption and playing God got me raped and turned in the man who left me literally in the street rather than even send me money to get home.

This man I will never meet probably but his typed words, were the only thing he could give me, his compassion in the face of the hardest thing I ever had to do without anyone to protect me , even the police who refused to even take a police report. My step-father passed away when I was 18, my own father and every man I have ever respected enough to wish I was his daughter have all for two years turned their back on me. This man supported me when he could nothing to help, but tell me I was doing the right thing and how to do it. That man, I know nothing about but his name, what he does and that he made time for a woman he doesn't know. I often look at that message, because that man, was the person no one has been for two years in my life, a reminder that even the strong need someone to tell them they care. A reminder that there is can be strength and compassion without judgement. I may not have a father who loves me, or even has a single concern about my well being, I may have had everyone I ever trusted not say a word, I may have had police officers even refuse to interview me about being raped, but know this..that man took five minutes out of his day to be a man who didn't make it harder. The woman who you destroy doesn't trust you. She needs you to swallow your pride, be the man that doesn't play games and break her heart because she has enough to deal with being turned away by every man and woman she ever trusted.

If she leaves because you hurt her, she will never come back and you will be the reason. If you can live with that, just leave her alone. She will never forget the hurt or the rejection. You will always be another man who didn't and who pressured her until she broke. Be the guy who does what no one else has do something to make it easier. Otherwise just keep your mouth shut. Be the man who, holds her without her asking, who helps her get justice, that takes something off of her, that supports her not just with words, but helps her build an empire, and the reward will always be her undying devotion. Make it harder, alienate her and she will forever look at you see one more person who didn't. She can be the the best thing you ever lucked into or you can be the man who breaks her. If you decide to be another one that breaks her she will never recover from it, and for the love of God don't smother her, she was born to stand out, she is one in a bazillion. For that woman you do anything, and if you don't know what to do fucking use your words and ask. Otherwise go ahead and date every woman who is going to destroy your world.

Not being a bitch here guys, but stop being fucking stupid. If you want her act like it. She's not your daughter. You have remember that she is someone's daughter too even if he threw her away. Be brave enough to tend to her wounds and rally the troops so she always feels safe. If you are angry, don't be angry at her, tell someone who hurt her exactly what they did and don't mince words. Don't be the straw that breaks the camel's back.