cry for help

June 16th, 2022

Your name here,

So that 's it. I admit it. I’m broken again. I don’t mean to put the blame on you but it wasn’t me who threatened our relationship. Not verbally at least.

Today I had way too much time to think, and the thoughts were loud and draining. I remembered moments from our past together. Moments that left cracks in me. Writing about it feels comfortable. It lets me organize my thoughts and slowly quiet them down.

I could recite some of the moments to you and you’d be impressed by my memory. But then again, I never do quite seem to impress you. I wonder what you would say if someone asked you to describe your partner. But those moments I’ve been thinking of don’t matter as much now. I have indeed forgiven you and moved on. Though I must confess it wasn’t easy.

The past two weeks with you have reminded me of how difficult it was to forgive. I thought I had gotten over all the things you said a couple of weeks ago. But apparently not. I’m laying here typing this open letter that you won’t put nearly enough appreciation into. This is what I want to focus on right now. Appreciation. You have admitted I am a good partner, and you don’t have suggestions on how to improve this relationship. That you were urging for the feeling of a new romance and that our stability made you feel old. You regretted what you said, and apologized the day after, which I truly appreciate. But this apology doesn’t take away the fact that we did almost reach the point of leaving each other.

Losing me never scared you. And we recovered fast from that talk. You always had a sense of guarantee that I would never leave - I’m the one to blame for this. I was too easy, from the very start. I couldn't help it, I was head over heels. I’d do anything to be with you at the time. And a big part of me still feels this way. That’s why I haven’t gotten myself to actually leave you. But my guarantee of a future together has now been revoked. All this time I thought I was providing us a healthy sense of security in one another, but in reality it only led you to misappreciation.

The burden of making this relationship work also sits on your shoulders. If you want to have the kind of relationship you envision with someone else, you have to put in the effort. The problem we have right now is not in me, or it’s not there because I’m also there. I put in the effort.

Your ideal relationship is corrupted. And even if you were with someone else, you’d face the same problems. As you did with your ex. Of course, every relationship is different and none other could quite compare to what we have. And I don’t mean this in a positive way. I mean literally. It’s hard to compare relationships.

I wish you could see my best qualities. But the characteristics you value in a person are different from mine. You were interested in me for reasons I never thought one would fall for. But these reasons are not strong enough to make this love last. You have to open your eyes to the other many aspects of me and our relationship that should be appreciated.

You said you never had to fight for me and that’s true. I fought for you instead. And you were doubting us from the very first date. Maybe I was too fast or maybe you should have taken a different decision almost four years ago. But I have played my part to the best of my abilities. And we both know you can try harder. Give me more attention. Fight for me. Try to please me. Confess your love to me and remind me why we’re together. Speak my love language. Be a hopeless romantic. Appreciate me.

I hope these thoughts will dry out soon and that I'll be able to forgive once more. But until then, grab your best arms cause you need to fight.

- Ms Rodwell