Crayon Pencils

Do you ever revisit old memories? Things you could have done so much better? I feel that I am dual--that there is a part of me that really cares about people and there is a darker self that just doesn't. I also believe that the things that we are accountable for stay with us forever. Our thoughts become habits, even as young children. One specific memory stays with me and it is something that every once in a while I return to as my beacon for being a good human.

In this memory, I see the look in my classmate's eyes; this stays with me forever. Clear, pretty deep blue eyes in a plain face, a simple dress on her small frame.

It was before Christmas, before Christmas break. Our teacher had organized a small gift exchange with a five-dollar limit. I had bothered my parents about spending the full amount, wearing them down until I spent it. Five dollars was worth a bit more than today's five dollars. All week I turned this upcoming event over and over in my mind. I obsessed about the equally "good" gift I would receive.

That morning, I very carefully wrapped my gift. Honestly, I can’t remember what it was! Perhaps because the outcome was so life changing to a young 8-year old child. We are still malleable at that age. Our humanity, beautiful and horrible, spills out and splashes onto others, messy and uncontrolled. We began to exchange gifts from the names we had drawn earlier in the year.

My classmate gave me a very small plastic envelope of colorful Hello Kitty crayon pencils. In that moment, I don't even remember my words. But I do remember that my demeanor was ungrateful and ugly. Her beautiful eyes were now fixed on me, hurt and confused and embarassed. How unintentional, but deep are children's truths!

My teacher pulled me aside and gave me one of the greatest lessons, very gently, even though I knew she was disappointed in me. My humanness and the knowledge that I had the ability to hurt someone over a small gift like that has stayed with me. I believe my teacher had me apologize and I was very careful to thank my classmate and do it well. I was horrified at myself.

I loved to draw and perhaps when she drew my name she noticed that. I know that there are people on this earth who are naturally giving in that way. People are drawn to them. They notice things about other people and fill those needs. As I have matured, my interests are in helping people develop their professional skills, and I do it well. But good deeds, I believe, are not found in noticing what someone does, but in acknowledging them as people.

Does kindness come naturally to everyone? Is kindness something that can be modeled? Can the human heart be infected with empathy? That day, my teacher repaid my insensitivity with a good deed - kindness and grace, trusting that I would change my behavior and be the type of person who cultivates the habit of good deeds. She could have done the opposite and punished me publicly; but what good would that do? How would this inspire change? She taught me that even ugly acts can be confronted with forgiveness and that everyone should be given an opportunity to change. I received that good deed that day, and it changed my perspective about everything in the small world I inhabited – influencing the person I have become, intentionally empathetic.

I wish I could tell her and my classmate that I strive to do my best in this still, thanks to those beautiful crayon pencils.