COVID's Little Luck

Wash, rinse, repeat.

Phone, wallet, keys.

Where’s your mask?

What’s your temp?

Did you sanitize?

GIVE ME A BREAK!

Rule of threes.

Senora Caridad Lupe Aponte. Overcame cancer twice only to have lost her life to this.

Raj Japur Samit. Proudly became a citizen five years ago, married just two years, and had his adorable baby boy in January of 2020. He started working for NYC Department of Sanitation just before the birth of his son and caught COVID at the height of it all in May 2020. Who knows how long he waited before he was admitted to the hospital - I just how remember how quickly his life ended after he was put on a the ventilator.

John Doe, who we later identified as Mr. Horatio Anderson (everyone in the neighborhood knew him) - COVID did a number on him too. He lost so much weight that he was unrecognizable. No one in the neighborhood thought he would make it, I guess we were right.

2020 was a year. And being a CNA in Elmhurst Hospital was no walk in the park.

I mean, all things considered with the economy, I guess I should consider myself lucky to still have a job. Luck… then again, is it lucky to have gotten COVID and be asymptomatic after just ending your marriage of five years? I got to keep the apartment that’s 5 minutes away from work and the Apple TV so I guess I’ll say yes.

Being single sucks. Being single at 42 during a pandemic, sucks even harder. Night after night, I come home to a cold bed, lonely drink, Siri (who tells me the same joke over and over), dating apps that frustrate me (I feel like I’m being interrogated more than conversed with), and the same old episodes of the same old shows that I put on repeat because it’s the only consolation I seem to get after a long day of living in a COVID universe. Let’s face it, we’re not living in a world with COVID, we’re living in COVID’s world.

AirPods in, mask on, phone, wallet, keys, check.

“Ay-oh, Alex – my man! Another day of saving lives?”

I can’t help but think to myself, saving lives - if only. I’ve watched more people die than I’ve ever hoped to see in my lifetime.

“That’s the plan, Stan!”

“Aight macho, don’t forget to wear your mask now!”

Don’t forget to wear my mask. I need a change of pace. I wish instead of being reminded to wear my mask someone would remind me to wear a smile.

I throw a peace sign and nod my head in my neighbor’s direction, he means well. Everyone means well, I’m just so sick of hearing about these masks.

It’s all so unreal. I went from changing bedpans and chucks on a daily to wrapping bodies and disposing personal belongings. This is my life. I go home alone. I go to work and I work with dead bodies of people who died alone. I have spent the last year working and living, alone. See a trend here? Maybe tonight I’ll go home and watch Dexter.

Let’s see what I find today. Growing up, I spent a lot of time watching Mister Rogers. “Look for the helpers”, his momma said. But I want to do what his momma taught him, “Be the helper”. Every time I bag a body, I feel like a kid who’s solving a crime. Sometimes I feel like Inspector Gadget. Maybe I’ll find something. Maybe they left something behind for me to give to a loved one or a clue that leads to some deep, dark secret or revelation. There’s got to be a rainbow after all these storms. Followed by a pot of gold, and more importantly, people – with no masks.

Ah. A love note. These cut through me like the first cut of a teenagers first heartbreak.

If something happens, remember this. Remember today. Remember this last year. Remember how much I love you. How happy you’ve made me. How in just under a year, you’ve made a lifetime of my dreams come true. It’s going to hurt. It’ll hurt a lot. But there was nothing you could do. But know that you did a lot to make me hurt a lot less than I should have, than I could have. Eventually, this pain, this learning to live through life without me, it will hurt less for you. You’ll remember me, remember us, and it won’t hurt as much anymore. Instead, it’ll be a soft pain, and fluttering butterflies in your stomach, and you’ll simply miss me like you miss summer rains or winter flurries. You’ll miss me like you used to miss me on the days when we didn’t see each other. When that happens my love, just shut your eyes for a second, pop in your headphones and put on our playlist. Hit shuffle and let a random song play and your memories run wild. Smile. Cry. Laugh. I may not be sitting there with you, but I will always be with you. I love you wolfie.

I can’t even get someone to have a decent conversation with me over Match.com and wolfie just lost what could’ve been the love of his life. These days, you try talking to someone over a dating app and they ask you everything about anything, other than you. It’s like we’ve just sit down for dinner and you’ve started chewing the meat and I haven’t even swallowed my first sip of water! Damn, Svetlana Orens. If you left me an address, I would’ve found a way to get this message to your wolfie. I’m sorry you had to die alone. That wolfie is one lucky guy. Or girl.

Body 1 done. 2… 3… 4… 5. Hmmm. This looks familiar. Why does she look so familiar?

Something fell. A little black book. It’s a tiny photo peeking out that arrests me. Big brown eyes and a wide smile. It’s George! That’s George and Susana! They own the bodega that I used to go to growing up. But what is this book? Why is that photo in there? I can’t help but take a peek.

My love. It’s no secret that I’m dying – so I need you to remember these things and to promise to do the following:

Be strong. Be loving. Be fearless. Live. Live like you want to live, not like you want to die BUT do not be afraid of dying. Push the limits and follow your passion.

I wish you were here. I’d kiss you slowly. If I could see you one last time before I die, I would ask you to kiss me like a curious child. Laugh into my mouth. Inhale my excitement. Kiss me until I moan and swallow it until you can taste my butterflies in your stomach. Hold my face in your hands until I melt into them. Put your hands in my hair and pull me closer by the waist. Let’s be teenagers now. Kiss me like you want to take our tongues out on a night on the town, as if our tongues are going dancing for the night. Let’s underage drink and drink too much and get drunk off of kisses and be sloppy but promise me this – let’s take our time. Let’s take our time, because this is the end for me and I have no other place I need to be and after this, well, this is the last place I want to remember being. Here, with you, dying, in your kiss. Kiss me like I’m the first and last glass of wine that you’re ever going to taste. Let’s be old and senile together now and kiss me and make me forget to count… how to speak. Kiss me until every answer to every question you, or anyone may ask me is your name. Kissing you like it’s all I ever wanted, not wanting anything else, or waiting for anything else. Kiss me my love and put me to bed. Put me to sleep one last time and meet me in my dreams once again. Your lips will always be the only ones my mouth remembers.

I have to find George. I have to give him this book.

I run over to the bodega just off of Forley street where I grew up and there’s Uncle George. His eyes. Swollen, red, sad. They must’ve just notified him. I hope this book gets me a hug and not a hit. I’ve taken a lot of chancletas to the head growing up so it’s all good.

“Hi, Uncle George, I’m really sorry to be bothering you right now but…”

I guess I should be happy he grabbed me and hugged me instead of choked me right?

“Did you see her before she died? Were you taking care of her? Did she say anything to you? Was she alone? Did she hurt? Tell me she wasn’t hurting. I just need to know she wasn’t hurting - I can’t live with myself if I know she was hurting and nobody was helping her.”

“Sir. Sir. I wasn’t with her when it happened but I know the nurses have been working non-stop. I can’t tell you what happened but I did take care of her after and I did find something that I think she wanted you to have.”

“Alex. This book. It has our wedding vows and the photo we took from our honeymoon. We were supposed to go back there next year and celebrate our 50th anniversary together.”

“Fifty years. Wow. I can’t even get 50 dates with someone. That’s incredible. Uncle George, I’m sorry I looked in the book but I’m glad that I did because… well, I think she left you a message in there.”

“Alex – I’m happy you looked. My heart can’t handle reading what Susana may have written in there for me, I just can’t believe I still have another piece of her with me. You don’t know what this means to me. Do me a favor - just wait here a moment.”

I feel like a kid waiting for Uncle George to come out with an ice cream bar and soda for me. Preferably a WWE Superstar Ice Cream bar and a Mexican Coca Cola. Instead, he hands me an envelope… like I’m a gangster coming to pick up “the rent”.

“Umm Uncle George? I don’t understand. What’s going on here?”

“Alex. Take this. This was the money we had set aside to go on our trip next year. Take it. Go somewhere. Do something. Find love. I don’t need to go back there and experience my honeymoon again. I have it right here in my pocket now, in this little black book, thanks to you. Take the $20,000, it’s the money we would’ve spent on our trip – take the trip for us. Come back and tell me about it.”

“Uncle George… that is way too genero…”

“Alex, I insist. If you want to make it up to me find love. Take your lover somewhere, buy a little black book and write about it and take some photos too. Then one day, come back and share it with me. That’s all that I ask in return. That you take the money and do something worthwhile with someone worthwhile. And Alex, don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Don’t be afraid to be daring, be wild, be dangerous, or fly. Some men are not meant to be tamed. Learn from your divorce. You’ve been alone and now you have your second chance in life. Live it up. Find someone who wants to live it up with you.”

I’ve never hugged a man so tightly in my life. Maybe I am lucky after all.

“Hey Alex!”

“What’s up, Stan!?”

“Smile! Another day in the books!”

Ha! Smile. I guess, my luck is turning – I wondered when that would happen.