Covid Killed My Soulmate

Covid is a nasty virus that has caused us all to have to alter our lives in some way. It has been annoying, and inconvenient. At least that was how I felt until Jeff died from it.

Sure it had effected me the same way it effected our entire world. Lockdowns, curfews, quarantine have all become honestly just part of our daily lives for the last year. Headaches of homeschooling, hilarious toilet paper memes and in some cases testing just part of our every day lives with temperture checks and masks.

But I never really felt a true effect until Jeff.

Jeff was my high school sweetheart and one of my best friends for almost 30 years. At one point in my life I called him my soulmate thinking that the term defined true love and it can for some people but it was different for us. Let me explain...

I was 16 the first time I laid eyes on him. There was an instant connection between us. At the time we defined it as love at first site and to feel so connected at such a young age ..well it totally sucked! Not when things were good between us but we broke up a lot! That connection that always drew us together was the most difficult thing to understand when you are young. Add in hormones, teenage worries it was literarily a recipe for disaster!

We drove our families, our friends completely crazy every time we were together, every time we broke up. Either I was happy in what my friend called “Jeffland” or I was miserable. She and I would go do something so I would get Jeff off my mind and she would be stuck with me all day taking about him. His dad once said to my mom, “Oh my God are we going to do this AGAIN?”, one of the 27 times we got back together again.

Jeff and I were honestly, great friends. When we didn’t let love get in the way, we pushed each other to be better. We helped each other see the light and we didn’t accept less then the best in each other. That is what a soulmate is supposed to do for you. They get you. They are simply your person. You can tell them anything but don’t expect they will let you live in self pity land long! That isn’t their job. They will listen. They will advise you. They will cry for you and save you from your darkest funk. But they have expectations for you that you need to meet too!

To give you an example I once told Jeff I was confused and I didn’t know what to do. He said,”Rubish Jess. You are the smartest girl I know. You know exactly what you need to do in every situation. Right now you are simply refusing to do what is best for you! You always know what you should do, now are you going to get off your ass and do it? Or whine when you don’t get what you deserve?”. He was right. He knew and I knew it. I hate making decisions especially hard ones and sometimes I just needed him to slap me into action.

I did the same for him. We were the kind of close that could not talk for years and pick up right where we left off.

To say I was devastated when he died from Covid doesn’t even explain it. How could I be me without my sounding board? How does one half of a bonded pair go on without the other? It was different for me then his wife and daughter. He never told me he was sick and I suddenly just knew he was gone. I went looking for his obituary hoping I was wrong and I found it. I had no warning. No chnce to say Goodbye I was simpy just alone.

You don’t truly get Covid until it sneaks up on a healthy, careful person and takes them from you. You can’t not really. The fear I feel that someone else I care about will die from it can at times consume me. If I could I would put every one I know into some kind of protective bubble so I know they are safe.

It has been almost 2 months since Jeff died. Some days are easier. Some days I cry almost all day. I am out of sorts. Now every day I feel like I have something to tell him but I can’t. I can’t dream about him anymore either. He used to invade my dreams and now he just seems to be missing.

Finally I decided I would write to him when I miss him or I have a story to share as if he could still read it. I tell myself to suck it up when I know I am not being the person he would expect me to be. It is the best way I can still honor my soulmate now that he is gone

That connection that made me crazy as a teenager it was the greatest gift I was ever given and I will be thankful for that forever!

In the meantime I am taking applications for someone who isn’t afraid to tell me to suck or up. Just don’t expect to fill Jeff’s shoes he was a once in a lifetime!