Counseling

I had always been told that I could try counseling but knowing that my mom was skeptical it was something that was put on the back burner. She’s expressed to me that she was afraid to have us speak to someone at a young age unsure of how we might come away from it; possibly growing up and playing the victim, having pity or feeling sorry for ourselves especially when it came to the difficulties of the relationship we had with our father. She also worried about the possible suggestions of taking medications to help cope with any issues we had. Looking back on it now, I do get the worries that she had with her being a single parent raising three girls. But the older I got, I struggled even more.

Since I was about 8 years old, I’ve faced many difficult obstacles that continue to have an effect on me at the age of 21. My whole life I’ve been on this wild emotional roller coaster having both negative and positive experiences and at times wishing things would completely end. I was trapped in a toxic cycle of abuse, going through several moments in my life where I’ve felt hopeless, stuck, and constantly reliving the pains of two past relationships in my life - that being with my father and the other with an ex-boyfriend. These traumas have left scars and it is extremely frustrating to know that these experiences festered my internal being.

I’ve had a lot build-up within me that stems from the on and off relationship I’ve had with my father. I’ve been a victim of his psychological abuse since I was a child. Growing up, his absence was upsetting and confusing. I don’t recall ever having my father with us 24 hours a day 7 days a week and he never fully supported us financially either. Throughout both middle and high school whenever my father would walk out of the house, I’d get angry with him because I so badly wanted him in my life. I wanted him to stay and to stop randomly showing up whenever it was convenient for him. I’d throw tantrums, scream till I could feel the veins pop out of my neck, punch and kick the walls and would cry for hours until eventually falling asleep. I knew that from my behaviors, I was potentially creating an unsafe home environment for my mother and sisters. Overtime I became so exhausted by my ways that I started to keep everything bottled up inside of me.

By this time, I was 16 years old and so deeply yearning for someone to talk to, preferably seeking that attention from a guy. Eventually, I had found my new best friend and very quickly fell madly in love with him. He was my first love and the person I shared all of my emotions. He always listened and was very comforting. His charm and intelligence are what my young spirit was so attracted to. I was getting ready to soon go to college, I was gaining independence, maturing as a woman and I was dating someone 3 years older than me who had already been working government jobs as well as going to school, and basically caring for themselves since age 19. I looked up to him for guidance and aspired to continue working as hard he did.

But it wasn’t too far down the line, that he began to betray me. I had put all of my trust in him and as an emotional person I’d often go into depth in sharing my feelings. Inevitably, he would later use what I shared with him against me in the arguments we would have. I gave my power away which ended up silencing my voice leaving me to feel like my opinion didn’t matter. The relationship no longer made me feel safe and I felt like I was being treated like his daughter as I obeyed every-thing he’d preach to me. He became very intimidating and would quickly shut me down with his deep voice and persuasive intellect especially if my view on something didn’t make sense to him.

He once told me that I was emotionally unstable.

He once said that my full natural afro made up of, kinky curls were “thick and nasty” and from this I truly felt unsupported as a black woman who was dating this black man.

He once said and I quote “you are a self-absorbed narcissist like your father”.

I didn’t cook much but I wanted to learn; One time we were cooking, and he left the kitchen for a moment and told me to cut the chicken breasts. I had never cut chicken before and didn’t want to butcher it so I asked him if he could teach me and he told me that I should know how to cut chicken. This discouraged me even more and still to this day I fear cooking in front of others because I’m afraid of failure.

We’d play fight and he’d show me tricks he learned from doing karate as a kid. At first, of course we were having fun but then it wasn’t so fun after I was getting hurt. He’d punch me in my arm and I’d say “okay dude that actually really hurt”, his response would be “that didn’t even hurt you, I wasn’t even hitting you with my full force” – I’d tell him time and time again “you can’t feel what I feel so how you gonna tell me?!”.

He took me for a driving lesson once, but it didn’t go too well. He taught me some basic things I should know about the car and my job as the driver and about 15 minutes later I was already on the main road with other cars! I told him I wasn’t ready and wanted to drive in the parking lot, but he insisted that I go on the main road because that’s how he learned. I told him everyone doesn’t learn the same way and that I was absolutely scared out of my mind. Panic quickly took over me and I knew that I needed to pay attention to everything that was going on around me. I was freaking out and wanted to stop but knew that I’d have to wait for the next parking lot down the road. As I was driving, he kept yelling things that I should be doing because driving would be “simple” if I were to follow his directions. I knew I needed repetition and time to practice these skills. I knew I didn’t have a good grasp on what I was doing while on the road, which was a stupid risk that I took. Now I am 21 years old and without my license, but I really wish to work at this and be driving soon, but because my first experience wasn’t successful my anxieties take over me and I immediately doubt myself.

We had been together for 3 years and towards the end of the relationship I knew that my confidence in who I was becoming frightened him. I found the courage to really listen to what my heart was feeling and my strong intuitions to be the one to end the relationship. Even with all of the abuse, it was heartbreaking to leave but I knew that had I stayed I’d continue to suffer. What hurt me the most was when I was outside of the relationship and able to reflect, I could see similar characteristics that he shared with my father. I was losing myself in the relationship and it didn’t feel good. I felt alone, quiet and scared and was unsure of what my future would look like.

I realized that my self-worth was valuable, and I didn’t wish to give up on fulfilling my own dreams and aspirations. This person had been stealing my happiness for so long.

A few weeks after I had broken up with him, he begged to take me out to lunch so that we could talk about things. A part of me didn’t want to because I had no intention of trying to work things out but the other part of me still had love for him and so we met up to talk. He really wanted to get back together and right then and there said that he wanted to impregnate me. I told him that he was absolutely crazy for even saying that and I was even more disgusted by him. That same day as we were driving back into the city, he asked how I was doing. I was seeing someone new and expressed how very happy I was with this person. He didn’t like that, and he backslapped me leaving my top lip to swell. In shock, I immediately touched my lip and could taste a little bit of blood. Enraged and in the heat of the moment as he was driving, I punched him in the face, cursed him out and told him that after he dropped me off to never speak to me again. A few days later, as if this incident didn’t happen, he wanted to check in with me, completely neglecting my anger.

For about a year after our break up, we tried to work on a friendship, but it just wasn’t working. The same controlling and toxic tendencies were present, and I knew by continuing to have him in my life he’d only be holding me back from fully moving on.

I had always dealt with these issues on my own because I felt that I couldn’t go to anyone. I believed that I needed to deal with this by myself. This decision turned out to be damaging and it became this toxic cycle of me letting out my frustrations by crying, sulking in my emotions and staying quiet and to myself. I was helpless. I eventually realized that I needed help to learn how I could cope with this pent-up energy or at least have the tools to try to do so.

I am eternally grateful for the protection that was granted over me during these troubling times; I believe that to have been an angel who held my hand through it all.

My father is a narcissist, he’s unreliable, untrustworthy, irresponsible and by his actions he’s always made me feel unloved. He is also a very smart man and is good at renovating homes and doing construction work which is how he makes his money. My dad is also very funny but would sometimes clown around or make a joke out of something at the wrong time for an excessive amount of time. Being as young as 6 and 8 years old when it came to our personal family situations, my dad would coach my younger sister and me to lie to our mother about our whereabouts or about anything he didn’t want her to find out. Lying became a bad habit that I’d often do, and my mother always told us growing up “You can tell a small lie here and there but when you lie to hurt someone that’s not good, that’s evil”.

To a certain extent I am glad that he didn’t have much say in the decisions being made about me because he’d usually say no or would try to postpone things leaving us in limbo. I don’t know if I’d still be a successful dance artist if he had stayed around.

In my freshman year of college, I came home from spring break and a lot of things were weighing heavily on my mind. Unfortunately, home started to become a place that made it hard for me to want to come back to because I always feared that my father would unexpectedly walk in those doors trying to disturb our peace. One day, I decided that I needed to unload some of my frustrations and have a conversation with him. My mother told me that she’d be right in the other room if I needed her expressing that he might not take it so well. My words and emotions towards him went in one ear and out the other which didn’t surprise me, but it still hurt. He disregarded everything I said and completely turned the tables bringing up irrelevant things. It ended in chaos as my mother went into protection mode. She and my dad were screaming and yelling at one another and of course I was shredding into tears wanting the arguing to just stop and wishing for him to leave.

In my junior year of college, I tried to again to work on having a relationship with my father. I was a bit hurt of the fact that my mom’s boyfriend had recently seen me perform when my father hadn’t been to any of my performances since attending college. And in that same year, my best friend’s father passed away and my current boyfriend had lost his father a few years ago and so with this I thought, okay, well maybe I should at least try with my father since he’s still here but I knew I’d end up getting my heart broken again. I took that risk anyways. We went out to lunch and dinner with his girlfriend and on my 21st birthday they both bought me some really nice gifts, but conversations between us didn’t feel honest or genuine. After a while I was getting exhausted putting on a show trying to make him look good especially in front of his friends, he still wasn’t really there for me in the ways that I needed him. What really needed to happen in order for us to move on was for he and I to have a real conversation on my feelings, but I knew it wouldn’t mean anything to him.

In July of 2019, I went away from home for 3 weeks to Massachusetts to study at Jacob’s Pillow Contemporary Dance Program. That summer intensive was a place for me to maintain my dance training and in an environment surrounded by nature. It was just what I needed to slow down from the fast pace life I was used to. I had lots of quiet time to think and to find peace within myself. A day after I came back home, I was at my grandmother’s house and I heard my father’s voice coming from the porch. I ran into a room where he couldn’t find me. I really didn’t want to see him but when I finally showed my face which was heavy and sulky, he was per usual clowning around. I couldn’t stand to be around him or take him seriously as he never took me seriously. I wasn’t going to waste another breath trying to explain to him how his actions have so greatly affected me because I knew how he’d respond. My reflections gave me a sense of peace after being away that when I came back, I no longer wanted to put up with his bull crap anymore. Moments after, I spoke with my mom about needing help but this cry for help was unfortunately unsuccessful.

Having my father in my presence brings me so much anger and anxiety and I was sick of giving my love to him knowing that I wouldn’t receive it back in genuine ways. I decided to keep him at a distance and since then I haven’t seen or spoken to him in 7 months.

Growing up whenever I’d go to a family member and I spoke about my father, I always felt that I got lectured on how I couldn’t change who he is or his actions, but I can choose how to best live my life in greatness with the cards I’ve been dealt. I do not bash or blame them for this, as I am genuinely grateful for their efforts, knowing that everyone may not have all the answers to everything. My heart holds so much love and care for my biggest support team who have always tried their absolute best to make it through troubling times.

Very recently I have been revealing to my mother and grandmother the struggles I’ve experienced being both in and out of my past relationship. Since being at college I really held onto my independence and never even mentioned a thing that I was going through with him. I so badly needed their comforting arms to just hold me but was too afraid and reflecting on it now I think I was protecting my ex-boyfriend in a certain way.

Tired of feeling like I’ve failed over and over again I’ve been learning to not hold myself back from receiving outside knowledge on how I can to properly take care of myself. I have gained different strengths within me to ask for help in learning how to create a healthy healing process which so far has been a successful journey.

With the inevitable stresses of being in my senior year of college currently obtaining my B.F.A in dance at The Juilliard School, I made it a goal for myself that this would be my year of continuous growth in coming into my own as a person and an artist. I knew that I wanted and needed to step out into the world with confidence, feeling secure within myself as it was finally time for me to audition for various dance companies around the world hoping to land a job with the company of my dreams. I took it into my own hands to build a relationship with one of my dance faculty members Risa Steinberg as well as the Director of the Dance Division, Alicia Graf Mack. I was often in situations where I absolutely needed to check in and talk with someone. I have found these women to be great listeners, trustworthy, and supportive. I have gained respect for these individuals because as much as they too have a lot going on in their lives’ they willingly make themselves available with open arms to whomever needs.

My frustrations had a greater effect on my internal health and well-being and I was beginning to lose my mind. As a dancer and performing artist I usually spend several hours during the day training and staying physically active but there came a point where I felt like I was just existing.

My thoughts and worries completely took over me making it difficult for me to perform well in my classes because in these moments. I became so unaware of my body. I’d experience my head feeling like it was floating with an overload of thoughts leaving the rest of my body disconnected from the entire world. Observing the dangers of this unawareness I’d get so upset thinking I could never stop failing myself. Spending the majority of my day in the dance studios was a temporary distraction but after a strenuous scheduled day I’d come home and be sitting with my thoughts again. I’d go to sleep with a lot of things on my mind without properly debriefing, making it difficult for me to get the rest that I needed – going into my sleep listening to one of my favorite songs during his time called My One and Only Love by John Coltrane helped ease my tension.

There have been times where I’ve felt numb and lifeless and couldn’t even cry anymore. On the weekends when I was less physically active, I could go a day without eating just because I didn’t have an appetite. I knew that this wasn’t healthy and that this habit would make things go bad very quickly. If I wasn’t going to get up and help myself no one else was going to do that for me.

In late December of 2019 I decided to call counseling services provided by The Juilliard School Health Services, but they hadn’t never returned my message. I assumed that they were busy and full and so I failed to follow up with them. Later in February 2020 I was really struggling and was a ticking time bomb. I had finally opened up to my mother and grandmother about my anxieties and my ex-relationship that was still weighing over me. It was very necessary that I was getting all of these emotions because I had certain triggers, anxiety attacks and nightmares that constantly disturbed my peace and I was overwhelmed by it all. I really wished I had them to save and to hold me in those moments I was so alone in my past relationship.

I went into the walk-in hours and spoke to the Counseling Director William Buse, PhD, LCSW in person and he apologized for not returning my message from back in December as it had probably gotten lost. I gave him a bit of insight on why I’d like to seek counseling which was about the issues I’ve had with these men in my life. He expressed that we are going to get you someone to talk to hopefully by the following week but going forth I think you may greatly benefit from seeing a female counselor. I thanked him and appreciated his perspective and told him that I was desperate to talk to anyone at this point. He gave my information to one of the female counselors with my preferred date and time of meeting and I had my first session with this counselor the following week. After speaking with Bill I thanked him so much and was nearly in tears because I was relieved that I was finally allowing myself to let go of pre-existing judgements.

I’ve learned that asking for help isn’t a bad thing as I had always been used to trying to figure out things on my own and felt that I needed to handle everything by myself. I used to be so afraid to ask for help because I felt that I’d be hurting or exhausting my loved ones in being so emotional and expressive in sharing things that had been eating at me. I have recently been seeking counseling as well as reaching out to people who can better assist me with different situations. Having weekly sessions connecting with my counselor, the lovely Rosa, has been so liberating for me in addition to checking in with her during this time in quarantine due to COVID-19 that have brought on a new set of challenges. It is such a relief to hear myself talk aloud whereas in my head I sometimes can’t make sense of everything.

*Building a connection and feeling comfortable with your therapist or counselor is so very important for the continuation of one’s healing process.

Realizing that I am not the first, only or the last person to be going through these things in my life, what makes my story unique is that it is mine. This is my life: I am so blessed and privileged that I get to have the biggest say on how I wish to live it.

This is my story and I get to share it, learn from it and heal from it.