Communication Skills Everyone Needs

The power of a good quip...

Being able to say the right thing in just the right way is a skill. People who are good with words can say things that less eloquent people would never get away with... not without ruining a relationship or getting thrown out on the curb. Believe me, I've had lots of both.

So often, we either hide what we mean from people, mask it behind subtle hints, or blurt it out without paying much attention to delivery. Neither of these options are of much good, but what the hell is in-between?

Well, for starters: a good quip. Sometimes you can soften the blow by adding a touch of comedy.

Case in point: My stepmother, a country girl who hates the big city, thinks out loud as we cruise through downtown Seattle: "Riding in city buses has to be one of the nastiest things ever. All those people..." and she makes a disgusted sound.

Now, I ride the bus a lot. I might have come from the country (and a part of me will always belong to it), but I am a world traveler now. I love the hustle and bustle. I love adventure. And I take the city bus! I have ridden the bus in New York City, Philadelphia, Los Angeles, Amsterdam, and several other cities.

On a bad day, I might have felt slighted by her comment. I might have responded with something equally offensive about country people or made a comment that made her realize that she was talking about an aspect of many people's daily lives with disgust, which is not very loving or respectable. It sounded like she thought she was better than people who rode the bus, of which I am one. She probably thought she was talking about other people. I don't think she knows how often I use public transportation. I definitely could have said something rude to put her in her place, but I love her and I believe her comment wasn't meant with any ill will, especially towards me. I simply replied: "It's not really that bad. I mean, as long as you don't lick the windows or the seats, you're fine!" Which emitted a laugh from her and we moved on easily to another subject.

This was such an easy way to remind her that judging someone else's lifestyle is all too easy, but things that are strange or "gross" by your standards are not always as bad as you think!

Another great example is the way some people look at you or the comments they give when you say that you've purchased a certain item from the thrift store. Something similar could be said to them.

Sometimes, I don't come up with a quip fast enough, or I muster one that's only half what I mean, or I say something out loud that worked better in my head. The more I practice at it, though, the better I get. I never considered myself a funny person, but I realize now that I have my own sense of humor and I just need to get more in tune with that. For example, I like to say "Smooth travels!" when someone is on the way to the bathroom.

Sometimes, I am called upon to make a quip that's... sharper. Actually not a quip or a joke at all. Sometimes, someone says something so ignorant or rude in front of you that your mouth stands open. I am working on responding in those moments, with haste and authenticity. I am reminded of a time someone dear to me made a joke about beating their spouse.

It was not entirely in bad taste. I make jokes like that, too, about my partner hitting me when I make a mistake. I especially like to do it if he's being sharp with me in the grocery store. It makes him squiggle that we are in public. It's one way I like to poke fun at him and remind him to be kind to me. But domestic violence jokes are not always funny. There is an art to that.

This particular joke from someone I care about was in bad taste, because it hit a little too close to home. I know for a fact this person had lost their temper with their spouse a few months earlier. It was something out of character for them, but it was quite scary for the other people involved: the other spouse and their children, besides there also being a family friend there to witness it. It had left a mark on their family, and it had not spoken of since, except in hushed tones or behind closed doors.

This person didn't know that I knew.

I didn't like the joke.

What I said in that moment was, "That wasn't funny." to which they responded, "Yeah, they're not laughing either." Probably trying to lighten the mood again, since I had made it serious and dissed the joke. But I was earnest. At least, I tried to be.

"Wow. Real class of you." I responded. And that was pretty much the end of it; the moment passed. I didn't really have any other words; none that I could think up quickly enough. I thought they would be able to tell that I didn't approve. But not approving, in this instance, was not enough. Their spouse was actually standing there the whole time, also in the room. I wanted to stand up for them. Their pain was being used in a joke, even if unintentional. In my eyes, only a bully does that. I do love the person who made the joke, as I said, but this was not their shining moment.

I know now, in my ripe old age of 28, that life sometimes presents opportunities for you to speak up, and you should take them. I felt this was my responsibility. And I didn't feel like my few snarky words had been enough. For hours and even days afterword, I thought about what I should have said. I wrote down things I could have said. I thought about it a lot. Finally, I landed on something that I think has the impact I was originally hoping for.

What I wished I had said was this:

"You know what makes a bully? Someone who kicks another person when they are down... Someone who makes fun of another person getting hurt... A person I never thought you to be. I think you should apologize for that. And I am really disappointed."

It is direct. It is clear.

Read it again. Notice that it is not unnecessarily mean. It doesn't even contain an insult. It contains a call to action.

...

In other words, I said that they were better than the comment they made and challenged them to make it right, then left the rest up to them.

I made it clear that I did not like the joke at all.

I made it clear what I thought they should do about it.

I did not threaten or insult them, give them an ultimatum, or demand an apology. I guess this is how you talk to someone you care about when they've done something wrong.

Of course, I didn't say any of this at all. I will have to wait for another opportunity, and I will have to be brave.

Growing up in the Western United States, I learned early on that it is important to be polite. I learned that it was necessary to respect people who are older or in a higher position than you. But later, I learned that both of these things are complete and utter bullshit.

You don't have to be polite, but it often makes things easier. Both for the other person and for you. Sometimes it will be very difficult to find just the right words, but you must try. Sometimes you will be very scared that your life will change if you don't do it right, but you still must try. I have learned that is always feels better when you say how you feel. It's not all bad or scary. You'll be proud of yourself after-the-fact, especially once you've gotten better at it.

I have learned, as I said, that sometimes you can be funny about it, and sometimes you need to be more direct. And also that in these situations, your window is small. It only takes a second before the moment is gone. It's best to trust your instinct, do the thing, and deal with the backlash as best you can. You may have to clarify; take a part of it back, say you didn't really mean that but you were really trying to say this. I have learned that especially in those moments, it helps to stay calm and be honest. If the other person feels attacked, gets worked up, and insults you, you have to ignore the urge to return an insult, and make sure you say only what you mean and mean exactly what you say.

I've been pleasantly surprised from time to time by how I am received when I speak my mind. Conversations that I didn't expect to go well have gone swimmingly so. People are sometimes relieved to finally talk to someone who speaks their mind and does so while giving the other person plenty of room to do so, too. I've often felt like the walls themselves took a breath of fresh air, relaxed then that the conversation has turned genuine and no one has to put on airs anymore.

People have also reacted quite poorly to the way I express my thoughts and my decisions to place boundaries. They've called me inconsiderate, selfish... mostly because I wasn't serving their needs. And I don't have to.

Neither do you.

The relationships you hold will have a big impact on the trajectory of your life. We are social animals. We share resources, ideas and companionship. In order for you to be happy and successful in life, your most handy skill will be how you communicate.

On the other hand, it can also be your biggest struggle and your ultimate demise. If you are careless with your words and don't clean them up after, it will not suit you and you will pay for it.

It is a worthy task to find your voice, and you will do well to take to it soon and build on it for the rest of your life.

Remember that to argue well, you must listen.

To find effective words, you must empathize.

To gain respect, you must be honest, intentional and exact.

And above all, know that you can do this.

In your own way, you can express the things you want to see in your life and your world, and you can do it in a way no one else can, because your mind and your heart is unique.

Say hard things, and say them as often as you'd like. You needn't stand by helplessly. Get out here and play the game.

In fact, I dare you.