Codependency & Anxiety

And 5 codependent patterns revealed

By Hilda MollenhoffPublished 4 years ago • Updated 4 years ago • 7 min read

Codependency and Anxiety

The word codependency often gets tossed around in conversation when people are discussing relationships. In my opinion this topic lacks awareness. People who toss that term around probably are not aware that they themselves maybe a codependent. They may not be aware that codependency and anxiety are linked. Codependency has many characteristics and it is complex. It can affect the mental wellness of those who are codependent and cause anxiety.

In this article I discuss the cause of codependency and anxiety and the 5 patterns that are often accepted as normal and may be of surprise.

Codependency Explained

In my experience I often hear people say things like, “I was codependent, but I am not anymore.” Codependency doesn't just go away cause you left a toxic relationship. Its a pattern that was developed and it can be more prevalent in toxic situations. The good news it is healable and becoming aware of the patterns is key. It takes work and healing and loads of love and understanding for yourself.

Two Misconceptions of a Codependent

1. Many people think a codependent is someone who displays needy behavior. This person needs “another” to fulfill their happiness tank. That happiness or love is external and comes from this person. Although partially true, keyword here is partial.

2. The second misconception is that it is only based from romantic relationships. This is not true, they can be with friends, family, and even coworkers.

What is Codependency?

Codependency is an addiction to relationships. That is the quick and dirty.

Codependents tend to take on the role as rescuer, supporter and confidant. Unknowingly codependents enable self destructive behavior in those who may have addictions or other issues. Codependents self sacrifice in the sense of being needed. Its that “need to be needed”.

Codependency often starts in childhood, but not limited to it. The following are types of experiences that could create the patterns of codependency:

Unresolved trauma;
Abuse;
Neglect;
Domestic violence;
Exposure to a parent with substance abuse addiction;
And divorce.

The codependent often tries to “save” another person i.e.. alcoholics or other types of destructive behavior. Their thoughts tend be outside of themselves and their focus is on the need of that other person and not on themselves.

One thing to note here and I believe it is so important is that at some level we are all codependent. Keep in mind we all depend on someone else in one way or another its the “how” that is the defining line here. If someone says to me they are not codependent I call BS! We all are. The meaning of co - joint, common and mutual. Put that in check.

The Link to Anxiety

The link between codependency and anxiety explained. Anxiety is the fear of fear, the fear of the unknown to say it in a nut shell. For codependents there is a constant fear that they may not be able to help the person, or they are not good enough, or some level of control, like a constant need to control the outcome or the person. That's a big one.

With codependents growing up in dysfunctional and or chaotic situations the fear gets programmed early on. Things like abuse, neglect, addictions, and critical parents can be the root cause of those emotional fears.

Fear being the the reason for anxiety are sometimes a self fulfilling prophecy. Its complicated, no one wants a difficult situation but with this old program installed its like we gravitate to partners who will trigger these unhealed wounds. That subconscious feeling of familiar. It feels like love until the patterns emerge. Anxiety alarms going off! That old feeling of (fill in the blank) that fear of what they dread most.

Take neglect for an example. The codependent gets involved with someone who neglects them causing much anxiety for this person. Look further into the codependents history and they were highly neglected as a child. They might not understand the wound as this stuff likes to hangout in the subconscious mind and not understand this pain, the pattern, or even be aware of this blind spot. The tendency is to blame the other person for the cause of their pain, but that same pain follows until it resolved. No matter who it is.

How is Codependency an Addiction?

In addiction there is a choice of substance whether that be sex, drugs, food, shopping, and etc.…. The codependents choice is another person. Its in the action of the need to be needed, putting others before themselves, and taking on roles like caretaker or savior for example. This savior role becoming their purpose and sense of fulfillment in their life. When things go awry the codependent can actually go through withdrawal just like a drug addict. It seems so foreign because the addiction is not a substance and you cant see it, its not tangible.

Their is this unhealthy score keeping that codependents have and it creates much resentment with them. You see their gift of giving comes with the terms of “you must love me more, or need me more, because I was selfless to you”. Something like that. Like the more they give i.e. time, money, lowering boundaries so that they appear more lovable. It is not their fault or yours it is a conditioning that happened and to please keep that in mind.

Codependents are not bad people and this article is not to point them out in a negative light. Needless to say there are going to be good and bad just like in everything. We all have patterns and the intention here is awareness, to help heal codepedency and anxiety, and bring awareness to this. Awareness is the key to change. Knowing and understanding your patterns so you can change amd grow to be who you want to be.

As mentioned earlier there are patterns of a codependent and they may seem normal because most likely we don't know better. So with out further ado here are the five patterns.

The 5 Patterns and Their Characteristics

1. Control Patterns

Offering unsolicited advice even though it was not asked for.
Acting charismatic and charming to demonstrate a caring, empathetic personality.
Holding others emotionally hostage either with anger, indifference, and helplessness.
Lavishing people with gifts and attention in order to control them.
The need to be needed in relationships, otherwise there is no need.
Demanding that their needs be met by others and get angry or resentful if they are not.
Using shame and blame as a way to manipulate situations and to make the other person feel bad.

2. Avoidance Patterns

They believe expressions of emotions is a sign of weakness.
They judge others from everything to how they dress to how they express themselves.
Avoids physical contact and sexual intimacy to keep their distance.
Places, people and things keep them distracted instead of creating real intimacy with people.
They push people away that they grew close to by acting in ways that would cause others to reject them with avoidant and cruel behavior
They are critical and intense and use this to influence others of their views and opinions
They do not communicate how they feel and are indirect in order to avoid being vulnerable

3. Denial Patterns

Not being able to identify how they feel, like feeling numb.
Minimizing on how they actually feel, instead of expressing their truth
Denying the need for help and doing things on their own
Covering up pain with humor, anger or being passive aggressive.
The inability to know when someone is emotionally unavailable.

4. Low Self Esteem Patterns

Difficulty making decisions.
The belief that they are not enough, or good enough, and or lovable.
Have difficulty receiving gifts, recognition, and praise.
Difficulty setting boundaries and keeping them

5. Compliance Patterns

Avoid speaking up in order to seek approval, even against their own values.
Remaining in situations that are toxic for too long.
Using sex as a way to gain love.
Putting other peoples interests before their own or abandoning them all together to free up time.

Healing Codependency

Here is the good news. Codependency is healable and so is anxiety. If you are suffering from anxiety take a look at the relationship, take a look at yourself and become aware. Being a codependent can affect your mental wellbeing and it is so worth healing that. There are so many ways of doing this. There are support groups out there, like the ones for AA but for codependents. I will leave the link here for CODA Canada. I would also like to point out that CODA Canada has excellent reading material to help understand codependency. It is where I learned about the different patterns. I will also leave a few helpful links below and book recommendations.

Hypnotherapy is also another great way to help with resetting those patterns and sifting through the anxiety. Like I mentioned before with patterns being locked away in the subconscious mind it is hard to be aware of them. Hypnotherapy does that. I am a clinical certified hypnotherapist using techniques such as Age Regression to unlock those patterns and set my clients on a path of healing and freedom. Click here for more info www.Hildamollenhoff.com

Remember awareness is key in the path of healing. Much love.