Clouds/Filters/Blocks

I am going to outline for you the Big Three Clouds/Filters/Blocks that prevented me from accepting the Reality of Life.

Cloud #1: Attachment & Resistance

My biggest cloud was full of my many attachments; it was a very large Cumulonimbus. Nothing has prevented me from love & happiness more than my attachments. I feel like attachment and resistance go together for me; I was resisting my true nature because I was attached to the past. I started using drugs and alcohol as a young teenage girl and became attached to this way of making it through my life. I was attached to the rescue fantasy; I deeply believed the Universe owed me a rescue (someone else to take care of me) for what I had been through as a child. I had a very clear idea of what I wanted my life to look like from a young age and was very attached to the picture I created in my head; I was attached to the character I wanted to play, who my friends & family would be, who understood me, what I wanted to do for work... all of it. I was so fucking attached and honestly, I believe it’s those attachments that pulled me in and kept me enveloped in a Dark Night for nearly a decade. I didn’t want to be a “sensitive” or a “spiritual” person. I didn’t want to be associated with the “spiritual” community, or the “conspiracy theorist” community, for that matter. I kid you not, I just wanted to be in fashion, marry a rich man, drink martinis for lunch, and have some cocaine for dinner. An escapist's paradise. I did have that kind of life for a while but everything kept falling apart because one, it’s not a sustainable way of living, and two, deep inside that’s not what I really wanted. That dream wasn’t true to who I really am; that was my Trauma’s Dream, My Survival Dream. That kind of life kept me away from intimacy and in a constant state of escape and fantasy. It kept me away from my painful truth and it kept me away from my heart, where all my pain lived. True Dreams come from the Heart.

I used to resist my sensitivity, it’s something I have deeply struggled with in my life. I blamed my sensitivity for all my pain. Sensitivity is what I was humiliated for as a child, it’s what caused me to ask questions that got me “in trouble”, its what has made me feel like I don’t belong, it drove me to addiction… I’ve seen my sensitivity as a problem for as long as I can remember. As a child I was taught being sensitive was something to be ashamed of. I was made fun of whenever I shared my heart, my sweetness, my vulnerability. My mother didn’t even like the sound of my voice… I had to change my voice. I was taught being sensitive was the same thing as being weak and the last thing I wanted was to be weak. So, along with my voice, I hid my soft, sweet, vulnerable nature and became a “tough girl”, a “nothing can hurt me” girl, a “no needs” girl. I built a thick brick wall around my heart and used drugs and alcohol to keep my true feelings hidden away deep inside. We have been sold this idea that Authority is Power and Might is Right but that could not be further from the truth. True Power comes from our Relationship with Life and the greatest strength is softness.

I like how Teal Swan calls the sensitives of the world “The Indicator Species” :

“This world is being destroyed by lack of sensitivity. So it benefits the Universe at this point in time to have beings incarnating who are extra, extra sensitive. If we have a whole society full of sensitive people, we cannot create the society we have created today, which is not conducive to human health, it is not conducive to Universal health, and it is sure as shit not conducive to integration. The sensitive individual represents the future of humanity. I don’t know how many of you have heard of these “indicator species” but if you see an ecosystem, there will be one sensitive species that starts to decline first. You may see no general impact on deer but you may see frogs dying. When that frog dies that’s an indication that the health of the entire system is at risk. Sensitive people on the planet today are the indicator species.” - Teal Swan

“Nothing is so strong as gentleness, and nothing is so gentle as real strength.”

What I’ve learned is that my Heart’s Greatest Desire is to be part of creating a world we don’t need to escape from, a world we all want to be deeply connected to and an integral part of, and I believe creating a new world begins with tending the Wounded Inner Children inside each of us. I feel like where I excel is in working with children. I was a nanny for nearly ten years and through my experiences caring for other people’s children, I learned how to care for my own Inner Children, and I realized we all need this. So I am in the process of creating offerings for the Inner Child inside us all. My Heart is now very, very happy.

Cloud #2: False Programming & The Materialist Filter

Another big cloud in my life was the programming I received around Life in general. Another cumulonimbus cloud. When I was growing up, in school and at home, I got the impression that everything was already figured out, that nothing was left to be discovered. I also got the message that Nature wasn’t alive, animals had no feelings, what you put in your body didn’t make a difference, and the only purpose of life was to get married (or get a job) and have a family. Luckily, I didn’t subscribe to school or home life but still, somehow this idea that there was nothing left to discover got in. When I learned we didn’t know for sure the Origin of Life, I was shocked. What? We don’t even know the Origin of Life and we’re acting like we have it all figured out?? It seemed to me like the most basic question and yet everyone around me was living like they knew everything.

With this kind of faulty foundation, understandably, I was unmotivated.

When I started exploring the world of healing I also found myself unmotivated. Why give up my pain (which I thought was my proof that I had been hurt), why do all this horrid emotional work, why revisit a past I just wanted to forget, why let go of who I thought I was, why why why why…. WHY AM I DOING ALL OF THIS?? IT’S FUCKING HARD, WHAT AM I DOING IT FOR?

I think probably what’s helped me more than anything else along my journey is having a Big Picture View.

Anthroposophy

Of all the structures there are out there in the world to explain existence I am most drawn to Anthroposophy. I feel it provides a very grounded structure for us to play in down here in the 3rd Dimension. Anthroposophy is a Spiritual Science and I believe this is what we need at this time. The New Age, to me, and I know I am not alone in this, feels very ungrounded. I was looking for something concrete to traverse the very complex experience of being a Human Being and found Anthroposophy, which I love. Anthroposophy was created by Rudolph Steiner in the early 20th century. One of the many reasons I deeply admire Steiner’s work is because he has laid out numerous systems, including Waldorf Schools and Biodynamic Farming, which have already been put into play here on Earth with positive results.

The basis for Anthroposophy is EVOLUTION. I love this idea that Earth is a school for our Souls. The Planets, including Earth, are all schools called Planetary Spheres. In each Planetary Sphere, we learn something new and then move on to the next sphere. In each sphere, we become either lighter or more dense depending on what part of the cycle we are on. The Solar System is a school and we are all evolving together. We go through cycles of Descension and Ascension, the downward pull and the upward pull, the Feminine and the Masculine, the Fall and the Rise. This is how we learn and grow (evolve). “THIS MAKES SENSE”, I thought when I first started diving into what the fuck was happening here on Earth. It’s Soul School, baby. Earth is like getting your Soul Doctorate. It’s a tough school. The fact that we are all here during this time is a big deal! I’ve heard Souls are lined up around the Universal Block to get in here right now. It’s a phenomenal time. Humans are leveling up & it’s not something that happens every day. I also always get this message that big times of change, like the one we are in now, are major opportunities to clean up a lot of karma in a short amount of time. Karma is a bitch, as they say. It’s not always pretty.

Currently, we are in an Ascending Cycle, which is why we hear the term “Ascension” all over the place. When we are in an Ascension Cycle we are Spiritualizing Matter, we are becoming lighter, less dense, integrating more of our Spirit into the body, into the physical, into matter. In descension cycles, we become denser, more material, more physical, heavier. We have only been Ascending since The Mystery of Golgotha (The Crucifixion in Christianity) which, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t that long ago. We have a very long way to go. In Anthroposophy, the Mystery of Golgotha was the turning point for the evolution of Humanity. I won’t go into the full details but essentially Jesus Christ was a Master who etherized his blood and when his blood was spilled onto the Earth on this specific place it gifted Humanity a new Ascension pathway. My teacher says he gave us our “I”, our individuality, our ability to connect to Spirit on our own, without a guru or any kind of intermediary. This part of our evolution is all about going inward and connecting with God from within. This is why we also hear so much about becoming your “Divine Self”. This cycle of our evolution is all about becoming our Individual God Selves, fully expressing our Divine Nature and Unique Personification of The Cosmos; each of us is a Divine Expression of The Cosmos. Being a Human Being is very special. We are the Tenth Hierarchy of Angels. We are Angels!!! And right now we are, if we choose to, releasing our pain and traumas, which releases density/lightens us up, so we can bring more of our Angelic Nature into our physical being! It’s so exciting, right?! So Sci-Fi except it’s actually real.

Having a clear idea of what was going on and what I was working toward enabled me to find the motivation I needed to do the inner work.

Cloud #3: Religion & Dogma

The Dreaded Religious Associations with Spirit, Soul, God. I guess all my clouds have been cumulonimbus.

Another part of why I resisted Spirituality for so long was because of the religious associations. I was raised Catholic; I went to a Catholic elementary school, mass every Wednesday, and even though I would pretend to faint in the pew so that I could go hang out in the nurse's office and made up things to say in confession, I still started to believe I was being punished for my hedonistic lifestyle when my life fell apart for the 6th time. I thought I must be being a “bad girl” and that I needed to start living some kind of monk-like life to repent for my sins. What we are surrounded with as children gets in no matter how hard we try and fight it.

What I’ve learned is expressing our Divine Human Nature is not about piety, it’s not religious, it’s not dogmatic. It’s not about self-sacrifice or everyone being best friends and singing “kum ba yah” together in a circle, it’s also not about being a pushover or fake nice or bullshitting in any way, shape, or form. It’s not about pretending ugly things don’t exist in the world, it’s not about pretending we don’t all have shadows, it’s not about pretending at all. In fact, it’s about the total opposite, it’s about being real. It’s about honesty. It’s about being aware of all facets of not only ourselves but of the world we live in. This is what they call a “Polarity Planet”, there are always going to be opposites here. Bliss is not found in the lack of opposites, or in the ignoring of opposites, but in the loving of opposites. To love something is not to enmesh with it, it is not to take it on as your own and it is definitely not to ignore its existence; to love something is to see it as it is, understand it, and appreciate its existence. Love is not only acceptance and appreciation but boundaries. Love is knowing when to say NO to things that do not serve us.

In my last essay, I wrote about how I felt Life had dealt me a Life Sucking Water Bug; how I felt like my insides were liquified and then sucked dry. It wasn’t pretty or romantic or fun. It was awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. At the same time, I recognize why I experienced such a death: because I was living a false narrative of who I was, I was believing things about myself that weren’t true, I was not expressing my true nature & I was trying to hold on to people who weren’t meant for me. Life needed to give me a hard stop so that I could see how out of alignment I had become. I mastered suppression, avoidance & escape at such a young age, my patterning was so engrained, I was so good at numbing & running, that I didn’t even realize I was doing it anymore. It had just become a part of who I was. But it wasn’t me; it was a trauma response. Thank God I got knocked out.

“When we numb the dark, we numb the light.” - Brene Brown

“The path is filled with paradox. This is something that sends the egoic, logical mind wild. A paradox is a situation or statement that seems improbable or impossible since it has opposite facts, characteristics, or elements. A prime example that many find difficult to embrace is that this planet is ascending [into a lighter density] and that it, still currently, largely remains in the control of Dark Forces. This is a plane of polarity and duality. It stretches the mind to embrace both Light & Dark. At this time in the ascension cycle, everything the Dark Forces attempt helps to wake up the light in sleepy masses. This is not the intention of the Dark Forces and perhaps a disturbing paradox for them! On the path we must embrace light and dark, masculine and feminine, logic and intuition, structure/order and creative chaos, ease/grace, and challenging the ego and shadow. There is power in embracing all paradox and all opposite (yet complimentary) energies and attributes. There is power in embracing everything within the psyche.”

"The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”

“Cruelty is a mystery, and the waste of pain. But if we describe a world to compass these things, a world that is a long, brute game, then we bump against another mystery: the inrush of power and light, the canary that sings on the skull. Unless all ages and races of men have been deluded by the same mass hypnotist ( who ? ), there seems to be such a things as beauty, a grace wholly gratuitous.” - Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

I love Gigi Young’s work and if you’re interested in learning more about Anthroposophy I highly recommend following her on YouTube! She’s completely sublime and offers beautiful video series and highly informative lectures. I’m going to end this essay with some words from Gigi shared in her series, In Plain Sight, Episode 12:

The Mind’s Material Filter, The Crisis in Consciousness

“The consciousness can lose its ability to be sensitive to higher energies. Intuition is our connection to Higher Intelligence. It’s being able to perceive and digest more energy spectrums than normal. Intuition is a sensitivity to Spirit.

An example of what happens when you lose your connection with Spirit is you lose pattern recognition. Even though you can see two events that are obviously linked you’re unable to trust they have a common denominator. This happens all the time with “conspiracy theories” that people find uncomfortable. It’s clear it’s not a conspiracy theory but because we’re in this crisis of consciousness people refuse to connect the dots. They refuse to see that things are harmonized, that things are coming from one place. They can’t recognize that there’s the same energy signature on multiple events or that a person is a pervert or that a person is dangerous. Intuition is also an instinct we have for safety. A lot of people who become really great psychics in their life grew up where they were constantly feeling attacked. They grew up in households or in ways where they didn’t feel safe and so what happens is you develop this higher sensitivity. You can sense whether someone is a little sketchy, you can sense when there’s something wrong. Intuition is not just some weird, mystical, crazy thing, it’s a survival thing. When we cut ourselves off from it we become unable to recognize danger as well, we can’t see patterns, and we become sitting ducks because we’re only willing to recognize what shows up right in front of our faces in an obvious way.

The other thing that is happening in this crisis of consciousness is that we’re not able to view our Spirit/Soul in an objective way, say as consciousness. It’s too connected to Religion or Dogmas. You’re not able to have the flexibility of mind or the confidence in your Spirit to look at it, to look at Spirituality, to look at an Esoteric concept without completely shutting down to it. This is a sign that you are in a dogmatic practice. If you have a strong foundation of Spirit you should be able to understand Esoteric principles quite naturally because these are things that are deeply embedded into our Subconscious mind and deep in our cells. Esoterica is nothing new. We all already know this but a lot of us are blocking ourselves from accepting it. Certain portions of the population have not forgotten and that’s what’s going on here.

And of course, the other thing that happens when the mind becomes so literal is that we’re unable to understand our history and our prehistory and think in these long strides. We also have allopathic medicine which does not recognize the Spirit.

In order to create the changes we want to see in society we must raise our consciousness. Everything else is secondary; all elections and politics. We can’t legislate peace, we can’t legislate justice. We have to embody it. We can’t vote it in, not in the corrupt conditions we face now. We have to realize that many of us have cut ourselves off from our Higher Self and as a result, our cognition has reduced and degraded into a materialist, reductionist form and we have to train ourselves back into that Higher Level of Intelligence.”