Cliff, Lucy and Love in General

Halfway across, I stopped to let a pickup full of household stuff rattle by, and because, after rolling off the tailgate, a fat teddy bear bounced into sitting position and stared at my shins.

I was crossing to the Café Buzz for grilled cheese. I deserved it. I had been working out and was proud of that, considering the heart- twisting end of a six-year relationship three weeks before. Miguel and I agreed that living together had been a mistake.

We planned a trip to the Bahamas for Spring, and I was disappointed about losing that. On our first trip, I suggested that we visit some of the sparsely populated and uninhabited islands off the mainland. Miguel promised we could do it next time. Who cared? Right. Keep telling yourself that, Kat. At thirty-two, single had not been my plan.

The black bear sat opposite me and continued to stare. It was a cute toy with a tan muzzle and close-set eyes. Its thick black fur hung slightly loose in the middle from years of love.

At home I brushed the remaining road dust off the bear. There was a small Velcro closure on its back. I opened it and some stuffing came out. As I pushed it back, my hand touched something smooth. I took out a small black notebook as worn as the bear. On its pages, there were two distinct types of handwriting. I smiled to realize they were love notes.

Most entries were unsigned, but the names were Cliff and Lucy. Lucy’s entries were difficult to read, but the notes were heartfelt, and this was a forever love. I felt a sting of sadness.

Inside the cover was an address label above which someone had written

‘This book belongs to Lovebirds.’ The label read ‘Mr. and Mrs. Clifford Rendic’ and the address.

There was no phone listing, but it was less than an hour away and curiosity inspired me to go. Two days later, I loaded the bear and the book into a bag and headed North.

A woman my age answered the door with a Swiffer in her hand. “Hello.”

“Hello,” I returned. “I am looking for Clifford and Lucy Rendic.” Maybe I should have mailed it. I clutched the handles of the bag in front of me.

“Cliff is here. Does he expect you?”

“He doesn’t know me. I found something of his...theirs.”

“Wait here.” The woman disappeared around a corner.

I imagined Clifford handsome and strong like Miguel, and Lucy delicate and beautiful.

“Come in.” The woman returned, startling me out of my thoughts as she opened the door wider.

A hallway with pink carpeting and ornate wallpaper opened into an oversized sitting room that was spotless and tastefully decorated ten years before I was born. An elderly man in a recliner touched a control and the chair rose to help him stand. Once to his feet and still holding the arm of the chair, he reached out the other frail, boney hand in greeting. His eyes were sky blue and his skin pale. A few wisps of bright white hair lay on top of his head.

“How do you do, young lady? Cliff Rendic. It’s delightful to have a visitor since I don’t have my Lucy.” His smile faded. “She was the social one. How can I help you?”

I shook his hand and he motioned me to the loveseat to his right. As he lowered himself to sitting, I thought how sad that the love of his life had passed on.

“I found something I believe is yours.” I reached into the bag and lifted out the bear. Cliff’s eyes grew wide.

“That’s Lucy’s bear.” He held out his hands to take it. “It is hers,” he continued, pulling it toward him, and glancing at me. “There is the red heart on the back of one ear.” He folded the ear over so I could see. She embroidered it there years ago. Where on Earth did you get it? I assumed it went with her.”

“Went with her?” I asked.

“She moved to a nursing home recently. Our grandson transported her things and I thought this had gone with her.” He lowered his eyes. “Lucy has dementia. I have help with the housework, but…” He paused. “Lucy needed much more. She would get up in the middle of the night. I worried that I wouldn’t hear her, and she would get hurt or worse. When she fell, I had to admit she wasn’t safe here.” His eyes filled with tears and he looked down again, closing his arms around the bear.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket, wiped his nose, put the cloth away again and looked up. “I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But…Kat did you say? You didn’t come to hear about my sorrows.”

“It’s okay.” I reached into the bag again and offered him the book. “This was inside the bear. Your address was on the back.”

Cliff’s mouth dropped open and I thought he had stopped breathing. He reached out tentatively. “Could it be?” His voice trailed off, and he was suddenly elsewhere. He turned the book over in his hands, sliding his palm over the smooth back cover, then opened it, pushing back each page with a gentle finger. He whispered “oh” and “wow” and “it’s a miracle” as he scanned the pages. When Cliff looked up, I explained finding the bear and he explained the book.

“Lucy and I will be married seventy years this May,” he began. Every day since our wedding day, each of us wrote a note to the other. Just to make the other feel loved. We saved them all.” He pushed the button on his control and the chair hummed to standing. Cliff grasped a nearby cane and excused himself. When he returned, the woman who had answered the door was behind him, carrying a box. He motioned with the cane and she set it on the floor. He thanked her before she disappeared again. “Here are some of the others,” Cliff said. “There are hundreds more.” He gazed fondly at the box.

Once seated, he sighed. “Over the last year, Lucy got further and further away. She didn’t remember where she had put the book. I assured her that it was okay. We could start another one, but she would get angry and say, ‘oh forget it’ and walk away. Her behavior is part of the disease, but it is hard to see her so different. She looks like Lucy, but she is not Lucy inside. It’s the longest goodbye.” He paused and leafed through the pages again. “This is the last one we’ll ever have. I thought I would never see it again but here it is.” He sandwiched it between his hands and looked at me. “It is a blessing and a magnificent gift that you have given me, Kat. I’m so grateful. Lucy would be too.”

We talked for another hour, exchanging email addresses and my snail mail address. Finally, I said I should be going. “It was nice to meet you, Cliff.”

“And you, my dear. Please take care.”

As I drove away, I could not help thinking about Miguel. I thought we would be that couple in love forever and tried to imagine him as an old man, which unexpectedly made me giggle. I discovered that I no longer cared as much if Miguel was going to the Bahamas, even if he was going with someone else. Something in me had changed. I guessed that with more distance, I had a wider-angle lens. Maybe it was meeting Cliff. I still would not want to see Miguel, but it did hurt a little less.

Days later, I pulled the mail out of my box at the post office, snapped the door closed, and noticed a pink envelope from Cliff in the pile. Maybe he visited his dear Lucy. I hoped he was well. I opened the card in the car. It had a doll holding a colorful bouquet on the front and read ‘Thanks So Much.’ When I opened it, something fluttered to the floor on the passenger side. I left it a moment and read his words:

Dear Kat,

You can’t know what your beautiful gift of bringing our book home has meant. It lets me keep a little more of Lucy with me. I went to visit last week and they say she is getting accustomed to her new environment. It’s hard to say if she knew me, but she seemed to recognize the bear, or at least enjoy it. She is safe and cared for, but it was hard to leave her.

If you are tempted not to accept my gift, please don’t break my heart. There is not so much of it left these days. I want you to use it for something you absolutely love. Love is the name of the game you know.

Warmest wishes,

Cliff

I reached for the paper and turned it over. It was a check for twenty thousand dollars. Twenty thousand dollars. I had never received such a large gift and shouldn’t have accepted it, but Cliff had been clear. The best thing to do would be exactly as instructed. Use it for something I would love. I knew exactly what to do.

At 10,000 feet, I could see only water in every shade of blue and green. Our twenty-seat plane touched down on an airstrip in the out islands of the Bahamas. When I stepped into the blinding sunshine and onto the tarmac, I saw sparkling turquoise water and white sand in three directions.

Dean, my host, greeted me in his thick Caribbean accent and drove me by golfcart to a villa ten minutes away. There are no cars on the island, so people travel by golf cart. There were four colorful villas that all faced the beach. A small restaurant and bar stood next door.

Regret could not survive here. Every moment of sunshine dissolved another bit of care. Inside, I dropped my suitcase on the bed, changed into a sundress and flip flops, combed my hair and walked to the bar. I chose a seat at a high table on the dock. Nurse sharks, that looked like enormous catfish, lounged in the sand under the shallow water. One Mango daquiri later, not a shred of a care survived. I felt good about myself in a way I never had. More confident somehow and calm. The sounds of the water and gulls carried me away until something made me look toward the bar.

A man stared at me. He held eye contact after I noticed. When I did not look away, he started in my direction, drink in hand.

“Hi.” He set his drink on my table. “Do you mind company?” He was friendly and had a gentle vibe.

“Okay,” I said, surprising myself.

He introduced himself as Anthony. “It’s beautiful here, isn’t it?”

He was older than me with wavy auburn hair that flashed streaks of red in the sun. When he removed his sunglasses, I noticed his blue eyes.

“Yes.” I said, “and peaceful.”

He told me that only eighty people live on the island, or Cay, pronounced ‘key,’ as they are called. Anthony knew the cay and its occupants well, especially those who worked at the villas. When he invited me to tour of the rest of the island the following day, I accepted.

That night, I lay in bed with the warm breeze moving the curtains and the sounds of the ocean rocking me to sleep. I thought of my plans with Anthony. There were a lot of nice people in the world. It might turn into something. It might not. Either way, it was okay. Loving myself completely felt like the right kind of love for now.