Clarity

Decisions. It always comes down to decisions. My entire life I had been avoiding them at every turn, every step of the way. The questions continuously come and go like those oh-so predictable seasons, over and over and over.

“Are you okay?” they ask.

“Are you sure?” they plead.

“What if we try…” they hope.

For years, this pattern had continued. I sat back in my gray world and watched as time crept along, silent, beautiful, and always deadly. Time is the feral cat; light on her feet waiting for her moment to pounce. We are the rats. Every one of us. Living life scurrying from one meal to another, until we become what we were searching for all along. It is not as dark and dismal life as it seems. Sometimes us rats are fat, gorging on leftover treasures. Sometimes we live happily in our little rat colonies hidden away for years. Sometimes we are led away from the group with promise of something larger. Sometimes we find it, sometimes we don’t. All we know is we must keep going, keep searching. Which is why at this crucial point I no longer can float by on broken promises and neglected determinations. The cat is catching up. And so, here I am today holding on to hope that if I watch out this window just a bit longer, something will come to me. Wrong, or right? Rebellion, or grace? It is too soon to tell.

It is a perfect day - the kind shown in movies, almost too wonderful to be real. It feels like the last out being called during a close baseball game, the crowd roaring with delight at the underdog’s win. Or two soon-to-be lovers first eyeing each other from across the park and knowing deep in their hearts something special is about to begin. It is the kind of day that forces you to notice it. The breeze is light and gentle, the greenery waltzing. Birds carry on delighted conversations between the pines. As I am looking out past the fingerprint smudged windowpane, through the trees, the skies are so clear and blue it almost feels as if the ocean had decided to trade places with it for just one day. I think back some weeks ago to a visit at a local hardware shop. I had been searching for paint samples and fell in love with a color I had intended to use on my nightstand – “Aztec Skies” I believe it was called. That is exactly the sky’s mood today. That creamy, slightly muted turquoise. Breathtaking. It is the kind of day everything and everyone seem to vibrate with life and energy. It is a day unlike many of the others. It is a day to start over, bathe in all the colors, and decide.

Time continues to pass. For how long, I am not sure. As I sit and observe nature thriving in her own moment, my mind wanders. It travels over the trees, through the meadows, into the streams. It flows anywhere and everywhere all at once, soaking in its own existence. But now as the skies deepen their blue, a flutter of wings has caught my eye. On the branch nearest my window sits a great owl. With pale feathers and strong beak, there he perches in all his night bird glory. His curious dark eyes are watching me, and my heartbeat starts to dance in faster time. His head tilts to one side in question. I do the same.

"Hello there, friend," I say. “A bit early in the day for you, isn’t it?” The owl nods his greeting back then shuffles his feet closer to the window.

"I’m merely late for yesterday," he returns.

"It’s been a gorgeous day. I still haven't been able to solve my problem, though, even with all of the waiting and watching," I explain with a soft sigh.

"But haven't you?” He tips his head inquisitively once again and continues, “The answer is in today. The life, the mood, the trees, the wind. Or are you still asleep in the gray dream?"

"I don't understand. You told me to watch, and I have. Still no answers have come," I say, confused. Admittedly the day has been one of the best in a long time, the quiet existence of it all. Every part of nature doing what she does best - surviving and blooming and growing and living. I feel as if I have been asleep for centuries and awakened to find a new world. A wonderful world of lightness and hope that only seems to grow clearer as the day passes. "Perhaps...perhaps I have been watching but not really seeing," I say thoughtfully.

"Perhaps you are right. Look with your heart and drink it all in with your soul. Is it not an answer in itself?" His question lingers. “You’re feeling again.” The owl's eyes peer into the deepest parts of my mind. I look back, the fog of uncertainty slowly lifting. My friend speaks truth into my mind. I dare closer and closer to the edge of my choice, needing only a slight push to cross over.

I hear footsteps approach in the hall behind me, light and quick. Step step step step. They are purposeful steps and I know what they seek. I’ve been waiting. A tap on the doorway turns my head to see her standing there. Her hair is pulled back into a tight bun, features sharp. Impatience written clearly across her face.

"Have you taken today's medication?" She asks. "Remember what the doctor said," she pleads.

And now my moment has come. I look to the owl for guidance, and keeping eye contact, he nods. There it is - my last little push.

"Yes, I have." My reply brings a smile to her face, softening the features.

"It will be different this time. I can feel it," she hopes. She turns and step step step steps musically back down the hallway. What a lovely rhythm.

Indeed, this time it will be different. This time I will feel it all. The light, the dark, the Aztec Sky blues. For this time, my friend has facilitated my freedom, and I trust in his wisdom. Electricity running through me in jolts of happiness, I turn back to the owl. My eyes stay on his, as I slowly step down from the windowsill where I am perched. A few steps to the other side of the room, through the doorway, into the bathroom. I drop what is hidden inside my hand into the toilet and turn the handle. Around and around those little capsules go, until they sink beneath the waves and out of sight.

I walk back to my window and press my hands against the cool glass. The owl smiles his approval, then lifts his great beating wings and takes off into the darkening heavens. I watch him go until he is no more than just a tiny blotch in an otherwise clear sky. I breathe in deeply, enjoying the newfound openness in my lungs and clarity in my mind.

See you soon, friend.